lipstick in my pocket

longing for no more hope

2011-01-13T10:15:00.005-06:00

I Corinthians 13:13, "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I recently sat through a sermon on the idea of a past blog on I Corinthians 13. The preacher replaced "love" for "God" and took it further and asked us to place our name in replace for the word "love." So the passage would read like this: "Suzanne is patient. Suzanne is kind. Suzanne isn't envious. Suzanne doesn't boast..." You get the picture. Makes me pretty humble to really examine whether my name belongs in there or not and in most cases... it did not.

Lately I have thought about the concept of "hope." We have a close friend of the family whose step daughter has recently been diagnosed with leukemia. I spoke with our friend briefly and the one thing that stood out to me in our conversation was when she talked about the other families they have met at the hospital. The families who do not have Jesus. That they seem hopeless and don't seem to have any place to turn. Imagine going through a situation where you didn't have God to rely on.

Imagine a world without hope. What is hope... Webster defines it "to cherish a desire with anticipation;" "to desire with expectation or obtainment;" "to expect with confidence/trust." It is used as both a noun and a verb.

At some point in our being, we will no longer need Hope or Faith. Colossians 1:27 reads, "Christ in you, the hope of glory." Hope is given to us to keep us focused on things to come... to keep us focused on seeing our Savior. Faith is believing, but both faith and hope are for us only here on earth, however, love is forever.

We need to live for love... for faith will be fulfilled ...and hope... hope will be a reality when we are reunited with our Savior. Today's focus is on love. Once we are in His presence, we no longer need to hope. Our hope is fulfilled and we are left with only love... which is the greatest of these three. And since "God is love" ~ oh, the heavenly bliss!

what He does for us

2010-08-27T09:37:00.007-05:00

Romans 12:3 (the Message) "I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him."

Let me just start with.... WOAH! What a ride the last few months have been. I'll try to catch up to my life on the blog soon. Life has been an incredible whirlwind ~ and that statement alone is an understatement!

This morning I'm reading in Romans 12. I recommend you take a minute and read it. It's full of great thoughts and ways we must place our life at the feet of God. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans%2012&version=MSG

My study this morning goes hand in hand trying to create God in my box... in my image... in my little life. How I try to fit Him in a box to fit in all areas ~ sometimes He fits better in some areas than other areas. We are told in the first few verses of Romans 12 to take our ordinary life... our sleeping, our eating, going-to-work, walking around and place every area at the feet of God as an offering. If we are not whole heartedly giving everything breath we have to God for Him to guide we are giving Him nothing. I know I find myself becoming so well-adjusted to my every day life that I forget to bow my head just to say thank you. I forget to give God the praise for the successes and the failures. I forget to give everything over to Him. Verse 2 of Romans 12 says that if I continue to fix my attention on God I'll be changed from the inside out. It's at that time I can recognize exactly what He wants for me and I can respond to it appropriately.

Just this week I changed jobs within the company I work for. I initiated this move for many reasons, but mainly because I was losing focus of why I was doing what I was doing. My motives changed. My heart changed and I was dreading coming to work every morning. I recognized this a few months ago and realized that it was time for a change. I felt like God was telling me to start a new chapter in my career. This week I've noticed a change in my attitude at home and work. It's amazing when you take the appropriate steps and really listen to what God wants for me and answering that call.

Every morning in our routine taking Natalie to school, I hold her hand and pray with her in the car. My prayer includes lifting our family up in prayer. We go through each member and pray for healing, strength, health and peace. Everyday we lift up Mimi and Pawpaw. We lift up Kim and Jim. We lift up BJ and Jerrie. We lift up Michelle and Mikey. We lift up Jeremy. We lift up Sissy and Bubba and AJ. We lift up my work. Among other things we specifically lift Natalie up and claim protection over her for the day. I pray for her teachers, her friends, classmates and the school building. I specifically pray for parts of her body. I claim protection over her tongue that she uses her words for encouragement and not to tear down even to those who are not nice to her. We pray for her feet to take her to the right place at the right time. We pray for her hands to be used to glorify God and to do the right things.

Just as our tongue, feet and hands make up our bodies, our roles and functions as individuals make up the body of Christ. I love how our bodies are representations of the body of Christ. Each of us have a role and function within the kingdom of God.

Verses 4-6 of Romans 12 it talks about the various parts of the human body in comparison of the body of Christ. "Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of His body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't."

Just as my job became a dreadful walk every day, I have to look at my spiritual walk and be sure that I don't become an empty body burning out and just going through the motions. Verse 9-13 says it beautifully: "Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for deal life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourself fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality."

Some times I struggle with thinking someone "owes" me something. If they've done something to me or said something that my have hurt me. The last part of Romans 12 hit home for sure. Verses 14-21, "Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath." Oh, man... I'm guilty of that one. "Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy..." That seems easy enough. "...share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody. Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone..." So many times I judge "beauty" from the outside in. "...If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."" WOW! that put me in my seat.

20-21, "Our scripture tells us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good."

Lord, thank you for laying Romans 12 out for me today. I truly needed to hear what you had in store for me. Thank you for my little Natalie. Thank you for the babies you have placed in my care. Thank you for my supportive family and my loving husband. Please continue to use me in all aspects of life. Help me keep You lifted up and keep you as the primary focus in life. We give you the praise and glory in Jesus' precious name!

into His

2010-04-09T08:37:00.003-05:00

The other night I was reading and these words hit my heart: "Maybe it's time to stop placing four-dimensional limits on God. Maybe it's time to stop putting God in a box the size of your cebral cortex. Maybe it's time to stop creating God in your image and let Him create you in His."

How big is your God? Chris Tomlin and Louie Giglio talk about the indescribable God. How He is bigger than the universe and can fit it all in the palm of His hand. I love the way they explain God's size. I cannot do it justice and often tend to underestimate the "bigness" of my God. So many times I try to make Him fit into my situation or fit into my life when I'm not even a spec on the map. But... for some odd, indescribable reason, He cares and longs for me... yes, little ole me.

I love God's explanation of Himself when He was responding to Job's cry. Job 11: 7 "Do you think you can explain the mystery of God? Do you think you can diagram God Almighty? God is far higher than you can imagine, far deeper than you can comprehend, Stretching farther than earth's horizons, far wider than the endless ocean..."

Wow! How would I describe God? Ooooph ~ that's the problem. I have got to stop trying to create God in my image, my imagination, my description... and let Him continue to work me into His image. I cannot do God justice by putting boundaries on His greatness. I cannot do God justice by trying to explain His mightiness. If He can calm a storm with three simple words ~ "peace be still;" flood the world for forty days... He pretty much is out of the grasp of my imagination of exactly how powerful He truly is.

The changing seasons shows me a glimpse of how much beauty and power my God has. Autumn is my favorite time of year. I think I love fall because I don't handle the heat of the summer very well and by the end of summer, I'm longing for some relief. The colors in Northwest Arkansas arrange from greens, yellows, oranges, reds, deep purple and browns. It's as though God pulled out the paint brushes and went to work ~ creating a masterpiece. BUT... there's really something truly amazing about Springtime.

The last couple of weeks, I have sat at my desk at work, and watched out the window and see the field of cattle what once was dormant field of brown grass turning into a lush pasture of green. A beautiful pair of finches have taken up residence in the tree six feet from my desk. I've been blessed to watch them pick out real estate and single handedly bring in one twig at a time building a nest suitable for a quickly growing family. I love watching the male perched in the tree beside their new home inspecting his work, bringing in food and taking care of his soon to be family. The cows are grazing their new summer fields. They were moved from winter pastures last week and have finally settled in to their new surroundings. Life is happening all around me. The daffodils are making their appearances all over town. The dogwood tree in the backyard is in full bloom... life.

His beauty is all around us. Spring is so refreshing ~ it's a new start. It's a fresh breath of air. It's a renewing of the spirit ~ into His spirit. But having an eye for all of this beauty around I still cannot fathom the full holiness of God. I cannot wrap my mind around how to completely define Him. I see His work all around me, but that only proves there is so much more that I cannot see of Him. I think I have made my God too small. Do I fear Him? Do I fear Him enough? What exactly do I know about Him... about Holy? ...Just the glimpse of Him brings my humble heart crumbling ...I cannot imagine knowing His wholeness ~ I may never know. I know only a glimpse of what He might be. ...all I can say is ~ wow.

There's a song that I often hear that reminds me exactly how BIG my God really is. Addison Road has a beautiful song call, "What Do I Know of Holy."

Here are the lyrics & video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xS-bRarAZ2g

What Do I Know of Holy

Words and Music by Jenny Simmons and Alli Rogers

I’ve made you promises a thousand times • I’ve tried to hear from heaven • But I talk the whole time • I think I made you too small • I’ve never feared you at all, no • If you touched my face would I know you • Looked into my eyes could I behold you

What do I know of you • Who spoke me into motion • Where have I even stood • But the shore along your ocean • Are you fire, are you fury • Are you sacred, are you beautiful • So what do I know • What do I know of holy

I guess I thought that I had you figured out • I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about • How you were mighty to save • But those were only empty words on a page • Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be • The slightest hint of you brought me down to my knees

What do I know of Holy • What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame • And a God who gave life its name • What do I know of Holy • Of the One who the angels praise • All creation knows your name • On earth and heaven above • What do I know of this love • © 2007 Simple Tense Songs / Alli Rogers Publishing / ASCAP. Administered by Simpleville Music Inc. All rights reserved.

Pretty humbling... I guess it's truly time to stop creating God in my image and let Him create me into His.

Oh Lord, thank you for your mighty hand! Thank you for your holiness. Cleanse me... Use me... make me holy. Make me into what you want me to be, Lord. Thank you for the beauty around me. Help to not use what I know of you as empty words, but as an impact to those around me. You are beautiful, You are sacred... teach me. Thank you for the wounds that have healed my shame. I thank You and praise You in Jesus, precious name.

gives and takes away

2010-03-10T23:45:00.002-06:00

God has been laying a lot on my heart lately. I'm just finding it difficult to sit down and share those thoughts lately. I'm going to try better. :) The last few weeks I've seen God work in ways I've never dreamed possible in my life.

I recently went back and read the book of Job. I admire this man almost more than any other man (besides Christ) mentioned in the Bible. Here is a man who had everything at his fingertips. Here's a man who was faithful and sacrificially offered everything to God for his own self as well as for his children. What I find remarkably amazing about Job's story is how God sacrificed Job to Satan. Job 1:8, "Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil." Satan replies with speculation that God has his protective hedge around Job. Verse 9-10, "Does Job fear God for nothing?" Satan replied. "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face." Verse 12 shows me how God truly knows a mans heart. God never once doubted Job's love for Him... I want to be there... I want God to know that no matter what He places in my path, I will not turn from Him and never curse Him to His face. ...but in my heart, I'm truly not sure I'm there yet. God told Satan, verse 12, "very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger." So Satan presented himself to God a few times regarding Job. Each visit God gave Satan a little more power over Jobs life. Each visit God said do not kill the man, but no matter you do to him, Job will not curse me.

Here is Job, minding his own business, loved God with all his heart and soul. After Job lost everything, including most of his family and his health, Job still claimed that God was power of the universe and would not curse God. Never once did he lose his faith in God. However, he cried for a fair trial. I have to be honest here, I'm not sure I would be that strong. Here's a man who's laying in his own filth and his friends and relatives are so ashamed and disgusted they won't acknowledge him or speak to him. I'm pretty sure at this point, I would have some kind of bitterness built up. Now, Job had every right to be fed up with God... Job often asks how could God be silent with him and not hear his cries. He didn't understand why God would put him through this since he knew in his heart that he did nothing to deserve this. His poor, ignorant friends trying to convince Job he has done something wrong and to just admit it, but Job knew in his heart that he did nothing to deserve this. Job questions God fairness... which I think was fair of Job.

I have to stop right here and examine God's response a little bit because this is where it completely blows me away. I ignorantly start questioning God especially with the pressures around me to justify life. Job could have just taken his life... he could have just given up especially with his wife telling him to curse God and die... with his friends telling him you are obviously a sinner, curse God and take your punishment of death... Job was never persuaded even though he listened to all of them and their ignorance... Job begins to put up his defense in trying to understand why God has left him. Just as I've done many times, He becomes a God who fits in my life... a God of convenience... a God who I expect to do what I want Him to do. I place borders on what my God can do and how my God can intervene and I try to guide my God instead of allowing Him to guide me. Is this right? no, but I would be lying if I said I haven't done this. Job never lost His love for God. He questioned why he thought he deserved this treatment, but never cursed God.

I was covered in chills reading the last couple of chapters of Job. After a long silence and Job lying in his own filth... demanding God to answer him and claiming God was out of his reach. God asks him the first question... Job 38, "Where were you when I created the earth? Tell me, since you know so much. Who decides on the size? Certainly you'll know that!" Woo! I get fired up with hearing the actual words of God! Wow! His power explodes in chapter 38-39. I suggest you take a minute to read what God says. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job+38&version=MSG

Powerful! I have to admire Job for trying to understand why God was allowing these things to happen to him. He knew he had not done wrong and did not deserve to be going through what he was enduring. This verse alone, puts God's power and size in perspective. There are many times in my life that I ask God why. There are many times I take the pity party and say "whoa is me, poor, pitiful me!" It's in those times I know that I haven't turned over the situation to God.

I love Job's response when God asked him what he had to say for himself now. Job 40:3-5, "I'm speechless, in awe—words fail me. I should never have opened my mouth! I've talked too much, way too much. I'm ready to shut up and listen." This is a great reminder for me. It's in the quiet times that I feel God's presence more than ever! Oh, man... I would be speechless too. I know there are times I talk way too much!

I think we all know how the story ends. God blessed Job tremendously. Job 42:12-16, "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. And he also had seven sons and three daughters.... Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job's daughters... After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. And so he died, old and full of years."

I constantly find excuses to stay in my comfort zone. My hearts' desire is to not be tied to one location... to live a life that is dispensable ~ to go where He needs me to go. My obstacles? debt, a house, etc. The other morning on the way to school, Natalie and I had a beautiful conversation. She was talking about the man on the other side of the radio. We had attended a homecoming of a friend and their adopted son. While we were there, we ran into one of the radio morning show hosts, Mark. She said she thought his voice didn't really match what she pictured him to look like in her mind. This was a perfect opportunity to explain how God views us. How he doesn't take value in what we have, but what our hearts look like. In Job's situation, he had everything, then had nothing. ...then God blessed him twice fold. But from a child's perspective, she instantly compares herself with her peers. Do I have what they have? Is what I have better? Our conversation focused around God looking at our heart. I said, "when I die, can I take this car with me?" She responded, "well, no." We carried the conversation through the house, job, stuff we've accumulated. I said, "What we have is God's to begin with. He gave us this stuff and at any time He could chose to take it away."

I laughed at her response, "Momma, why would God want to burn down our house?" Okay, maybe that was a little too harsh for a seven year old, but with a little explaining, I think she grasped the picture. I don't want God to burn down our house, but in reality, we can't take it with us when we die... "it's just stuff." Just as Job talks about treating people well, feeding the hungry, giving shelter to the poor, clothing the homeless, I talked to Natalie about helping others and how God longs for us to love one another ~ to help one another.

I believe everyone will have valleys and mountaintops of emotions in life. Job definitely experienced both in his long life. I can look at certain areas of my life when I hit rock bottom and I sat there like a stubborn baby waiting for someone or something to pick me up. Times when I didn't care about things... A time when I didn't experience God's joy. There have been areas of my life where I've just placed certain issues on the back burner... I guess I just haven't trusted God to take care of those areas. Maybe not that I didn't trust God, but that I wasn't ready to expose and admit my weaknesses and my faults. Even though I know my faults are there, it's easier to ignore some of the mistakes we make in our past than to really dig them up and confront them face to face.

So my day came a few weeks ago when I cried out to God. I look back at that night only a few weeks ago with a smile because I can just see my heavenly father smiling and possibly laughing at my attempt to address this issue in my heart. When I humbled myself and cried out, it was like the heavens opened up and God was standing there with a big ole bucket of goodness to pour on me! He has showered me so much over the last year with an incredible joy and peace and love that I've never completely grasped on to, but a few weeks ago I finally... whole hearted... turned over a situation to God that I had been hanging on to for far too long. I told Him I was ready for Him to work that area in my life and simply said, "You know the desires of my heart and if this is what you want for me, I'm ready." ...as simple as that ~ God began to move in my life. Within a couple of days doors began to close and doors began to open and I never dreamed some of the things were even possible. The weight was lifted off my shoulders, the excitement was there... and I was able to see what God had in store for me. What He has shown me in the last few weeks makes me want to shout His goodness from the rooftops! I've never paid so much attention to every detail of how God works. I've always known He does, but I'm completely overwhelmed by what He has done for me. He has taken care of my every need even down to the finances and right next to it, stacked up with my every want and right beside that, He has blessed me with things that only my heart knew and desired. He has shown healing. He has provided ways. He has even given me things I wouldn't think of asking for because He loves me. Because He wants those things for me. Because He knows the desires of my heart. And to think if He cares so much for the things I wouldn't bother Him for... the things that are not necessities... the things that only He knows... He must truly love me!

My daily prayer is asking God to never let me go.... even if I'm standing with a pocket full of nothing just as Job did. I pray that my God is enough for me because even if I lost everything I have, God still sits on the throne! ~ it's that mind frame that I pray God gives me. He's still working in me ~ thank you God!

When I finally reached the point of full surrender... I cannot even write words that describe it. I stopped crying "Lord, Help me!" and began to cry "Lord, Thank You!"

I want to share a song with you. Kutless is a Christian music group who has a song out there called, I'm Still Yours. This song reminds me of Job. It's a sweet, sweet song. (Kutless; It Is Well: A Worship Album by Kutless; I'm Still Yours.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjSvml7iWeQ

(If the link doesn't work ~ copy and paste it into another browser.)

If You washed away my vanity • If You took away my words • If all my world was swept away • Would You be enough for me? • Would my beating heart still sing?
If I lost it all would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away...
If You take it all this life You've given still my heart will sing to You!
When my life is not what I expected the plans I made have failed • When there's nothing left to steal me away • Will You be enough for me? • Will my broken heart still sing?
Even if You take it all away You'll never let me go. Take it all away, but I still know... That I'm Yours...

Oh Lord, You are enough for me! Thank you for your immeasurable blessings! I'm so excited about what You have in store for us! Lord, keep my hands lifted. If you take it all... I pray my heart will still sing to you! Thank you for the beautiful spring weather. Your mercies show brightly through the newness of life outside! Thank you for your protective hedge around me and my family and friends. I ask You to bless those who read this. Touch their hearts and shower them with a glimpse of you precious goodness. Thank you for allowing me to be Natalie's mother. What an honor it is to be her mom! What a thrill it is to see her grow in You. Thank you for giving her such a sweet, sweet spirit and pursuing a relationship with her! I thank you and ask these things in your son's precious, glorious name!

introductions

2010-02-12T08:47:00.011-06:00

Have you ever attended a speech by a well, renown speaker, where it is appropriate to have a big, bold introduction? Okay, an example might be "Monday night football." I can still here the voice from the television from when I was a kid. "Are you ready for some football? Monday Night Football!" Okay, maybe not quite like that, but at some point in life each of us have to introduce ourselves either to another or to a group. So... how do you introduce yourself? Depending upon the audience, some would claim titles, experiences, successes, achievements, etc. while other's would introduce themselves by who they know. "I'm such-in-such's friend, neighbor, coworker, etc." Wednesday night's women's study has grown from about ten people to over thirty. We wear name badges and typically each week we go around the room and introduce ourselves and all answer the same question that week. Questions such as, where were you born? or what's your favorite color? Just to share a little bit of yourself with the group. ...an introduction. I really liked a story a lady told me about her friend. This lady was well known in her community and was interviewed in the local newspaper. One of the questions were, "What do you do?" I would have answered the question, "I'm a graphic designer for a Christian division of one of the largest greeting card companies in the world." That sounds pretty good on paper. That title/introduction makes me look pretty good...no? I wish I would have thought of this and would have been as bold as this lady, but I can't take credit. She answered it, "I am a disciple of Christ. Within that, I sit on the city council and I enjoy working in real estate." WOW! That statement humbled me quickly. :)

Wednesday at church we are studying the book, Bad Girls of the Bible, by Liz Curtis Higgs. I was hesitant to read this book at first, but surprised at how much I am enjoying it. I guess I thought I would be able to relate too well to the ladies discussed in her book... Eve, Delilah, the Samaritan woman at the well, who remains nameless... you know, the conniving ones. Our discussion Wednesday night was incredible.

We talked about the nameless Samaritan woman at the well mentioned in John 4. Here was a Jewish man talking to a Samaritan woman. I tried to imagine being the woman at the well. What if Jesus is standing right in front of me. Would I be able to recognize Him? I know of the Messiah, I know of the Christ, but if I saw Him... would I know it was Him? Job said in 9:13 (MSG), Somehow, though he moves right in front of me, I don't see him; quietly but surely he's active, and I miss it.

I have a small plaque that I purchased at a fair in my kitchen window. It's a daily reminder to keep my spirit and actions in check. It reads: "How would you introduce yourself to God?"

How would I introduce myself to God? I asked that question at our table Wednesday. I heard a few people say, "Hi, God, I'm your child." For some reason, this particular response struck me as odd. I almost felt embarrassed thinking of answering this way. I guess I thought God would already know who I was, yet it's going to depend upon Him ultimately if "I'm His child."

Setting the stage at the well with Jesus and the Samaritan woman: in this time and age, women were not suppose to talk to men in public alone that's why in one of the verses Jesus politely asks her to go get her husband (which both of them knew she did not have). This is where this "bad woman" shines through. By Jesus' statement, I would conclude she didn't have high morals, but this is not the point I'm trying to get at. Also, Samaritans were not typically suppose to associate with Jews. So, in theory, there were a lot of laws/rules in place that show these two people should not to be having a conversation. There have been times when I have tried to avoid conversation. Maybe I'm in line at a local grocery store and the lady behind me sparks up a conversation. I'll be honest with you, I sometimes avoid eye contact with people so I don't have to converse. I know that's wrong, but that's my introverted side. I imagine this Samaritan woman being a bit caught off guard when Jesus started talking to her. For one, according to the "rules," he shouldn't have been talking to her. So I imagine, there she is, at Jacob's well to quench her thirst not there to strike up conversation.... just as I am at the grocery store...to buy groceries. What would be my reaction? Would I introduce myself? No, probably not, but I might bring up the weather or just curiously answer her question or respond to her comment. I don't think I would snob her off.

Now, Jesus asked the woman to give him a drink. She is caught off guard and returns with a question. "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" ahhh... the conversation is opened. :) This is prime time for Jesus to answer with, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water." Okay, I believe Jesus just told her who He really was, but I don't thinks she picked up on that. Physically speaking, the woman responds that it's impossible to pull water from this well since there is nothing to draw from. She even questions Jesus' authority. Again, Jesus responds with an offer, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again but whoever drinks the water I will give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." The Samaritan woman intellectually tells Jesus she sees He must be a prophet and tells him that our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but that Jews claim worship is in Jerusalem. I think she was trying to show Jesus that she wasn't ignorant. I think she may have also been trying to shift the "blame" of wrong doings after Jesus brought up the fact that she has had five husbands and the man she now haves is not her husband. I know if someone started pulling my skeletons out of the closet I'd be back peddling too. I can see this woman getting a little sassy, maybe even swinging her head saying "uh hu, listen here mister."

I love Jesus' response... "Believe me, woman," Ha! I can just see him giggling under His breath seeing her get all worked up. "a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans (there's that little pun "You Samaritans") worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know." Okay... I see Jesus laying out the facts. "for salvation is from the Jews. (v23) Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth." Here's where she's trying to show her intellect again, (v25) "I know that Messiah (called Christ) is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us." ...So there! She told Him! Hehehehehe!

I love verse 26. "Then Jesus declared, "I who speak to you am he."" I bet she was saying to herself "OH Crap! I just looked like a fool!" And I can just see Jesus' sweet face, politely smiling in all His peace and glory. No wonder we don't know her name. teehee!

Now, that, my friend is an introduction. :)

Oh, Lord, keep me humble. Thank you for being the Messiah... the Christ! As Natalie always says in her prayers, thank you for the world you have given me to walk around ~ so much is said in that statement alone! In Jesus, precious name!

cursing my darkness

2010-01-25T20:22:00.002-06:00

...be the Light don't bring the dark.

Man, last Friday I was grumpy. I worked long hours last week and I was ready for the weekend. At my desk, I had my headphones on and was plugging away getting work done, and didn't feel like interacting with anyone or anything. I was finding it difficult to be the light. I'm pretty sure I actually brought the darkness with me that day.

I recently finished reading Mark Batterson's book In the Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day. I would highly recommend it if you are looking for something to read. I started another one of his books the other night, Wild Goose Chase. I think God is telling me to run. But where? I'm not sure.

Tonight while reading, I'm really starting to question if I'm doing what God has called me to do. Scary thought ~ hu? Yah ~ tell me about it. I'm trying to figure it all out... trying to understand what it is He wants me to do. I just know what I'm currently doing could be ending a chapter and a new one is about to begin. You know when you're reading a really good book and you just can't wait to get to the end because you know there's something profound that you're dying to figure out, but you have to finish reading the beginning and middle to get the full impact of the ending. That's the best I can describe this chapter in my life right now.

I started thinking about my bad day I had last Friday... How many people did I burn out their light that day too? Is that how I want to be remembered? ...as the grumpy, plump chick who grumbles to herself in the corner? AUGH! I often think about what people would put on my tombstone should I pass away. Ever have that thought? How will you be remembered? What few, simple words would sum up you life on a stone?

I was reading tonight and came across a reference of a bold missionary, A.W. Milne, who set a one way trip to minister to a tribe of headhunters in New Hebrides. Story says that all other missionaries to this tribe had been martyred, but for some reason, this particular man ministered to the headhunters for thirty-five years yet still never returned home. When the tribe buried the missionary, they wrote the following epitaph on his tombstone: "When he came there was no light. When he left there was no darkness." WOW! ...beautiful.

Jesus came as the Light. John was sent as a light, just as John 1:8-9 says that "he came only as witness to the Light. The true Light that gives light to every man was coming into the world." He has sent us to be His light not the darkness.

Oh, Lord, thank you for being the Light. Thank you for the grace you offer me so many times a day. Help me to daily die in the flesh so I can shine brightly for You. Help me to be sensitive to the darkness so I can avoid dragging it along with me. Thank you for the smile on my face and the skip in my step. In Jesus' precious name.

lost my sole

2009-12-10T09:07:00.005-06:00

For the last couple of weeks, I've been searching for a story in my heart. I've been asking God if He has something for me to say to lay it on my heart and make it clear to me. I have never considered myself a writer at all. And I have a hard time writing if I'm not seeking Him whole heartedly. I cannot write ~ I've tried on my own and I sit there and stare at a blank screen, but if I ask God to guide my heart I feel I have something to say. He knows I'm not doing this blog for me, but for all His glory, so I don't want to post anything that I don't feel like God is all over it. I know I have a touch of creativity ~ God has given me that talent, but I am not a writer. However, lately I feel like I have writers block. I have about 15 "stories" in my draft folder, but none are ready to be posted. I don't feel like they are complete. This morning, I asked God if He wants me to continue this blog to give me something to write about. Well, wouldn't you know... He has planted something on my heart and in my step ~ sorta speak.

The other night Natalie and I attended an open house for my friend and neighbors' new salon in town. We entered the door prize drawings as we arrived, walked around, grabbed a piece of pizza and chatted with a few friends we knew. The drawings for the door prizes began. I really had my heart set on the grand prize which was a Chi flat iron... the best on the market right now.

In the midst of the clatter, "Natalie Holt" was called out from the front of the salon. She was sitting with my sister at the time her name was drawn, so she scuffled through the crowd to find me. She acted a bit embarrassed but I encouraged her to go up and claim her prize. She looked at me with those big eyes, shaking her head "no," and waving me on to come with her. So, I shuffled her back to the front where she for some reason, started resisting my nudge. We were both wearing boots that evening and just as we were nearing the front of the salon, she stopped her feet right under me, forcing me to drop her to the ground, stumble over her, skipping and hopping a couple of feet in my boots until I grabbed on to a nine year old boy where I caught my balance. Natalie hit the floor, however, I managed to refrain from completely falling. I curtsied and introduced myself as "ms. grace" to the crowd as I made Natalie gather her winnings. Natalie went home with shower gel and lotion. I went home with a wounded ego.

There are times that I feel really alone and experience fear... physically and spiritually. Sometimes I feel lost. I am actually embarrassed to admit I have those feelings, but I do have them. God has given us the ability to be sensitive and emotional. Sometimes I feel God doesn't hear my cry. I feel there's a void between my heart and the big open sky thus the feelings of "writers block". I know there are going to be times that I don't feel God in everything, but that doesn't change the fact that He is right here in everything. I know He goes with me. He is in me. Everything good in me is Him. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." I know my God is with me... He promised He wouldn't leave me. I just long to wrap the emotion around Him and feel him deep in my soul... to feel the burning, stirring and longing.

It wasn't until this morning that I realized I was not seeking and longing with all my heart and soul. I wore the boots I wore the other night to the salon and it wasn't until I had arrived at work and was putting my lunch in the break room that I truly realized I was lost. Sometimes things change without actually realizing it until its already done. When I hit the polished concrete floor in the break room, I went slipping and sliding like I was walking on ice. I caught my balance and examined the bottom of my boots. There's the problem... the sole of my left boot heel was completely missing. I had lost my sole! ...probably at the salon when I so gracefully skated to the front. On carpet or anything not slippery, I cannot feel that I lost the sole on my left foot, but I subconsciously know that it's not there, so I'm walking a little more gentle today... a little more effort to compose grace. When I walked around the building, my left boot sounds like a "clink" while the right sounds like "clank." Luckily, I currently have no meetings to attend today, so I can sit at my desk for the majority of the day. LOL

I chuckled all the way back to my desk while I said thanks to God for giving me a story to write. God has quite a sense of humor when it comes to getting my attention. I don't want to subconsciously "lose" my soul. I don't want to walk around when my heart has changed without even realizing it. I must constantly be on guard and not let things on this earth get me down. With God and I, I don't always see His little hints, so most of the time it requires me falling on my butt with a good laugh to come back to spirituality! Yes, I lost my sole, but not my soul. Every step I take today, I will definitely be reminded of God's grace because it's going to take a LOT of grace to walk around in this broken boot all day!

Lord, thank you for the sunshine today ~ what a beautiful view outside! Thank you for giving me laughter and allowing me to sense Your presence. Please continue to use me as your daughter and your servant. Take me places You want me to go. Thanks for your grace for if it were not for your grace and mercy, I would not be here today. You are such an awesome God! In your precious son, Jesus', name!

letter of the heart

2009-12-03T22:08:00.002-06:00

II Corinthians 3:2-3 says, "You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not in ink, but with the Spirit of the the living God."

This week I had the sweetest blessing in the world! My dad and friend of the family came down and laid tile in my bathroom and hung the paneling on the walls. I bought this house almost three years ago and little by little trying to fix it up. It seems like when I have the money, I don't have the time. And when I have the time... I don't have the money. ...'tis life. The bathroom is coming along nicely! I finished the molding and baseboards today. I've already purchased a new counter top, but am waiting to purchase the sink. Soon it will be complete... little by little.

I saw my father exhaust himself on this project. He wasn't suppose to do much, but you can't stop him from doing something he has his mind set on. I breaks my heart to see him get frustrated with himself because daily he is realizing he cannot do the things he used to be able to do. His whole life he has supplied for the family; help neighbors; tended the yard; worked on the cars and house.. never stopped or slowed down. He told me this week that my tile floor was the last project he was going to conquer. He realized that he just doesn't have the stability to tackle another large project. I didn't ask him to help me on the bathroom. He insisted and wanted to bless me. ...and I'm ever grateful!

The life style Paul is talking about is unapologetic. It's a life filled of ministry. It's a servant hearted life. It's a selfless life; a clean and righteous life. The letter is the life each of us live. It's how people see us and it's who we are when no one is looking. Am I writing a beautiful letter?

When Paul talks about the letters of the heart, I immediately think of my daddy. He's always been a giver and still is. He wants to help whenever able with friends, church, family... no matter the cost ~ no matter if he ends up in bed for several days. I see his generous lifestyle and the letter on his sweet heart is so beautifully written. ...and I'm eternally grateful and blessed to call him daddy!

Daddy ~ thank you for all the work you have done for me. I love you to infinity and beyond!

Lord, Thank you for my daddy! Thank you for giving him to me and being the servant hearted example I need. Touch his body and give him strength and endurance. Warm his soul this winter and bless him ten times more than he has blessed me. You are such a gracious God! In Jesus' precious name.

focus

2009-11-13T21:30:00.002-06:00

Today I had the privilege to go on a field trip with Natalie and her class. We traveled a couple of towns over to watch a play. Twenty-one first graders are a lot of kids. The teacher led the line while I brought up the tail making sure all 21 first graders were following directions and accounted for. Let me just say, after those four hours, I came home exhausted. The best description I can think of for 21 first graders on a field trip is "herding cats." I can't recall how many times I said "let's go," "you need to listen," "keep your hands to yourself" or "shhhh, pay attention to the teacher" and also "stay in line." I was constantly redirecting their attention on what they should be doing and who they should be paying attention to. There was so much going on that everything "else" was the distraction.

In the same way, every day, all around me, I'm constantly shifting my attention to something I feel is more important. At work, it's what fire is burning the hottest and making the most flame and clatter. I jump from obstacle to the next just trying to stay afloat. I run to the ball field, to church, to gymnastics, to work, to school... without taking a breath. So chaotic, I have no time to sit still. Most days I feel like God is trying to tell me something and most days I feel like I've missed something. Almost every day, I feel like He is just trying to say, "shhhhhh, be quiet ~ focus." But I continue to abruptly interrupt Him with my schedule and everything "else" going on around me.

I've been studying the book of James. Sometimes my urgency to find out what God has planned for me, to see "big picture" and to understand everything right now, right this second... eliminates the soft, quiet times God really craves to experience with me. I don't take the time to really stop and listen to what's being said... and not only are my ears not hearing, but my eyes are not looking for His treasures. I can't seem to tame the tongue so I can open my ears. And more importantly, as James refers to in chapter 3, if I do see and hear and do not use those thing which I've seen and heard, what good is that?

I experience deja vu quite a bit. You know those times when you're in a situation that you feel like you been there before. So many times, I wonder if it's Him ~ I wonder if it's His way of showing me something right then and there. I get giddy like a child in a candy store imagining it's God penetrating the world around me to feel His presence in a new way. Like I've said before, I don't hear a big booming voice, I don't see a bright shining light. I see Him in my every day life, and speaks to me through the bible and I know it's Him by the Truth, by love and by His beauty of whatever it may be.

I heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago and it took me three days to finally figure out who sang it and the title. It touched my heart so much and put a smile on my face. You can look it up on youtube.com. Mandisa wrote a beautiful song called, "God Speaking."

Have you ever heard a love song that set your spirit free?
Have you ever watched a sunrise and felt you could not breathe?
What if it's Him. What if it's God speaking.
Have you ever cried a tear that you could not explain?
Have you ever met a stranger who already knew your name?
What if it's Him. What if it's God speaking
Who knows how He'll get a hold of us; get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to; to tell us "I love you"
and the song goes on...

Today, a friend of mine posted a cute saying on his status. He was driving on his way to work this morning and saw a church bulletin board that caught his attention. It read, "Jesus knows me, this I love!" ~ perfect!

There's not a day that goes by that I don't say these exact words to Natalie... "You know what?" She will respond with, "what?" I reply with, "I love you!" Sometimes she'll guess "I love you!" but every time she responds, "I KNEW you were going to say that!" Which is perfect. I don't want a day to go by that she doesn't hear those words from me!

God is the same way. He tells me every day that He loves me. He gives me everything around me to show me how much he loves me, but if my eyes and ears are not focused on hearing and seeing Him, I could just miss it. Shhhhhh.. listen.

In James 3, James talks about taming the tongue. He references a bit in the mouth of a horse and how that bit controls the whole horse ~ where the horse is led, which direction to turn, and when to stop. The bit also prevents the horse from eating much and makes it difficult to neigh (speak) and difficult to bite. In verse five, James says, "the words out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything-or destroy it." What's the bit in my mouth? What am I letting lead me?

The Message version of James 1:22-27 "Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like. But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action. Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."

Listen, focus... He's speaking.

Oh, Lord, help me to have ears to hear You. My ears cannot be open if my mouth is open. Help me control my tongue. Use me, do whatever you need to do to use me. Thank you for telling me you love me in everything! Help me to focus only on You. In Jesus' precious name.

hope like a rabbit

2009-11-11T22:17:00.001-06:00

Natalie wrote a poem the other day... loved it!

Can you hope like a.....rabbit
Can you hop up and down!
Can you flip rawnd and rawnd intil you fall down!

Nope, those are not my typos :) She's just in first grade and spelling her words as best they sound. She is so creative. Yes, I'm a proud momma!

I love misspelled words that actually bring on a new meaning than what was intended. I've always thought that God makes us all creative and at some point, somewhere along the way, if not encouraged, it becomes "schooled" out of us. I recently read a book that contradicted these exact thoughts. The author says that, "we are born with or without talent; it is a gift from God." I'm still torn about whether we are born without it. My heart wants to think that we are all "created" in His image... and my God is the ultimate "creator." Genesis 1, "In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth.... ...Then God said, Let us make man in our image, in our likeness..."

In Natalie's little poem, I wonder what "hope" looks like to a rabbit. I know with Natalie's little bunny, any time we open the back door, she stands up on her back legs and looks to see if we are coming over to her cage to visit. The only thing that is really expected of us as rabbit owners is food and water. "Flower," Natalie's rabbit, has become part of of our little family. We've had her for a few months and try to handle her every day so she stays familiar with us and stays gentle. She's the type of bunny that actually seems to likes people. I think she likes her alone time, but is fine with kids petting and loving on her for a little while and even gives kisses when asked of her. Although her life consists of a cage and a young girls' hugs and squeezes and the occasional treats, I still can't help but wonder what a rabbit hopes for... or any animal for that matter. I asked Natalie if I could keep her writing and take it to work with me. :) She granted me permission. I feel honored to have this perfect little letter to remind me of Psalm 150:6, "Let everything that has breath (even rabbits) praise the Lord!" and have hope.

Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Oh, Lord, You're beautiful! Thank you for helping me understand what hope really means. Thank you for giving us something to hope for. It is You my heart longs for. Thank you for my family, for the gentleness and sweet spirit you have given Natalie. Thank you for continuing to do your beautiful work in her. I give you praise in Jesus' precious name!

lunchtime missionary

2009-11-10T23:55:00.001-06:00

Natalie's teacher emailed me a few months ago. Her email went something like this... "Suzanne, I just wanted to email you and tell you what Natalie did in class today. We have been studying the laws of the land this week. I asked the class if anyone knew any of the laws. Natalie raised her hand and proudly said, "I know the ten commandments." I asked if she would like to share with the class. She stood up and rattled off the ten commandments. What a little missionary she is! Just thought you would want to know."

Proud momma right here... let me tell ya! We had just studied in my Sunday school class a simple way to remember the ten commandments. I guess it worked. I love the fact that children do not separate "God" and "State" or school for that matter. I love it that at age seven God, school, sports, church, work, play is all wrapped up in "living" and find it sad that we as a system, teach them to separate these things in their life instead of working them all in unity.

Natalie takes her lunch every day. I get up, start the daily routine... which includes packing her lunch. She carries a soft, fabric lunchbox with a clear pocket on the front. At our local Christian bookstore, I pick up the little business cards size cards with the little devotions. You know the Sunday school cards: "Keep Your Chin UP!" "God LOVES You." So, each day, I place a new daily card in her lunchbox pocket. For a while I would see these cards come back home or in her backpack. About three weeks into the school year, I realized once I packed the cards in the lunchbox pocket, it never returned home and I never saw it again. So, one day, out of curiosity, I asked Natalie if she enjoyed getting the little devotions in her lunchbox. Shes brightened up and said she loves ones with kittens and puppies on them.

Each Wednesday, I've been trying to surprise Natalie at school to spend lunch with her and her classmates. I started this a couple weeks ago. It gives me a chance to get to know the kids in her classroom and those she calls her friends. I have found that the kids love it when adults sit at their table. Each of them want to tell you about their day, their favorite foods, friends, families... their lives. I try to be very attentive and listen carefully to all of them, but in all honesty, sometimes I just hear a lot of little voices.

The first Wednesday I showed up to surprise her for lunch, I immediately noticed Natalie's card was already taken out of her lunchbox. So, I asked her, "What did you do with your card?" All of a sudden all the kids in her class sitting around us who heard me ask her started saying, "Natalie gave me one! I have one that Natalie gave me! Mines at my desk." I looked over at Natalie and grinned. She just shrugged her shoulders like, "what? I shared them!"

WOW! What a testimony to me! I love seeing God working in her little life with her classmates. She has no idea the impact she is having on those children's and possibly parents' lives. She is the little lunchtime missionary!

Lord, thank you for my little Natalie! Thank you for pursuing her heart. Thank you for keeping her safe. Continue to work in her life to keep her a walking missionary for you! Keep up the good work, Lord, I'm enjoying watching her grow in You so much! You are so gracious to me! In Jesus' spotless name.

that was easy

2009-11-09T22:15:00.003-06:00

Every Monday morning, our local radio station plays a game called, "the easy button." You know the commercials from the office supply store "that was easy." The radio station announces they are going to play the easy button and if you're the fifth caller to call in when you hear the blurb, you win a prize for the day. This morning, Natalie snatched up the phone, waited in anticipation for the button, then pressed the green button to call.

"It's ringing mom! Someone answered, mom! They're talking... I think we won!" she screeched as she tossed me the phone.

Yep, we won... thanks to her speedy little fingers. Our gain totaled up to, one Kutless worship CD and a promo water bottle (oh, and one complimentary pen and pencil that I snatched off the receptionist desk when I picked up Natalie's winnings). Just back in September, the same radio station drew her name out of the hat for the birthday bash and she won a $15 gift certificate for a local restaurant.

So... soccer season is nearing the end. Along with the madness of a busy last few months; tonight we played our second game in the soccer tournament. We won last Thursday, which automatically qualified us to play tonight... and we won... again. Forth game in a row they've won; which I think is ironic since we didn't win a single game until half way through the season. So we play tomorrow night for the championship of the fall soccer season.

Some times being a single mom means sacrificing some personal choices. Some times it means being on a tight schedule ~ not always by choice. A few weeks ago Natalie had to be at a soccer game at 5:30, a book fair to attend by 6pm and I had a parent/teacher conference at 5:15. At 4:30 I started to feel panicky as I scooped up my items to head out from a days work. My mind ran through the check list... be here, stop there, grab that... cleets, shin guards, uniform, snacks... and checking them twice then it hit me ~ now how am I suppose to be in three places at once? I posted something on my facebook wall to the affect ..."soccer game at 5:30, parent teacher conference at 5:15, book fair by 6.... does anyone know where I can find the cloning formula or the placement of the easy button?" Although hoops were jumped through and some how we accomplished our tasks for the evening... some tasks we arrived early, some on time, some we were running late; just the thought of having an "easy button" helped.

The next morning when I arrived at work, someone had placed an "easy button" on my desk. I've used it a few times, but haven't really seen the magical affects from it yet. hehehehe Someone was trying to help out. And although a little pun, it is still appreciated.

I reeeally wish my "easy button" rattled off Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" ...now that is easy! Knowing that with God in charge ~ I can move that mountain. No one ever promised this life would be easy. And there's no magical "easy button" to push in emergency situations. But... the thought that God is in charge makes the thought of life a little less difficult. My "easy button" in life could easily become the direct line I have with the Father... prayer. Now.. that was easy.

Lord, thanks for the strength you give me. Oh, Lord, you know I'm not perfect.. thanks, for well, working on me. Thanks for not giving up on me and not allowing me to give up. Thanks for the direct line and for allowing me to be in Your presence with just one small request. Thanks for the accomplishments you allowed me to fulfill today. Thanks for keeping us safe and walking with me. It's in your precious sons' name.

to run

2009-11-08T23:03:00.003-06:00

Last week we had a tragedy in the town we live. It's a small town so a tragedy such as this, affects all of us. A young man in high school decided to take his life after his girlfriend broke up with him. At sixteen years old, he decided life wasn't worth living anymore; that his race was just too much to run any further. Rumors have it that he was part of a church family here in town; that he was involved with sports; and was loved by everyone around. Obviously, I can't help but think there was a deeper pain that no one noticed. There was a void... It seems we go through stages in our life when we begin losing those people closest around us. We all know this is the circle of life. We all know there is a time to die, but when those times come ~ expected or not, we grieve each in our own way. What was once there, is no longer and our emotions tell us there's a void. I can't help but think of Mandisas' song, "Voice of a Savior." One line in the song "you are I are not that different, we got a void and we're just trying to fill it up. Something that will give a little peace...all we want is a hand to reach to, open arms to run to. We'd give anything to hear a voice of a Savior." Whatever that "savior" looks like ~ bottom of a bottle, needle in an arm, money in a pocket, in anothers arms, victory, some place no one else has gone. But at the end of the day... it's still in the same place ~ right in the middle of Jesus' arms ~ something to call savior... something to save me from this world.

A couple of weeks ago, I lost a very dear aunt. She was my father's last living sibling. Over a couple of phone calls and a few IM chats, I could tell that my dad was taking the loss pretty hard. My dad is the middle of five children; two younger brother twins who had already passed on; an older brother and his oldest, his sister who just passed. I packed up and traveled with some of my family two states over to attend my aunt's funeral. I learned on this trip that my dad was one of six, but he had lost a brother at around nine months old along with his mother having multiple miscarriages.

At the end of day two, I wrapped my arms around my dad and asked him, "you doing okay? You look pretty tired."

He reply, "I'm just sad. I just lost my only sister."

I've never lost a sibling, but I saw the loss in his eyes. I felt his loss with him. The funeral was nice; a lot of older country church hymns. Her oldest grandson, my second cousin, spoke for a while of the memories he had built with his grandmother over the years. He seemed to gleam when he talked about his own kids building and cherished the memories they had with Vera as well... baking, quilting, her love of bingo, always building memories. She lived a full life with her family as the center of her attention. The legacy she left behind was her family and the love she taught them and undoubtedly showed them.

From my cousins' speech, I couldn't help but think about Paul's journey and the letter he wrote the Philippi church. Several times Paul refers to life as a race. In those days, Rome could relate to physical, athletic games; it was their culture. Still today, the metaphor of a race is ran by all of us. Paul knew his life was nearing the end. Timothy's letters were the last letters preparing Timothy to take on the baton; to continue the work that he had began and carry it through. Aunt Vera had left a baton of love, family, laughter, and of beauty to her family.

A lady brought a writing into our Wednesday night class that she found on a website that gave me a new perspective of how that baton is to be passed. "As Bishop Michael Baughen depicts, 'The relay runner is pounding around the track, using every ounce of energy, heading for the hand-over point. Ahead of him is the next runner in the relay, feet beginning to move in anticipation, eyes on the runner coming towards him, his hand now outstretched to take the baton at the appropriate moment and then to run and run, while the man he took the baton from collapses breathless on to the grass. Paul is pounding towards the end. His 'time of departure has come' and Paul is urging Timothy to take the baton from him and to run with commitment and determination."

My baton of life was crafted by my forefathers; passed down from generation to generation. As in most families, through each generation the baton is sometimes easy to carry, but sometimes the baton is worn or broken or just needs to be dusted off and refined. My parents took the baton at a very young age and continue to run the race of life to the fullest; standing by each other with God as their primary focus. Through the years, they have polished this baton and through their lives they have made their baton breath-takingly beautiful. The baton, although, I know will be fumbled in my hands at times, one day it will be held with pride and little refining and hopefully with God's help, I will continue to hold it firmly so it will ready to pass on to Natalie when that times comes. My parents have done a great job preparing me for the baton. I know my feet are waiting with anticipation to grab it and continue the race for Christs' sake.

Although, as in Paul's situation, we don't typically pass the baton on until we are ready to pass on, I should keep in mind that I shouldn't be wait for the passing of my loved ones to grab the baton. It's my responsibility to carry my own baton... to continue the work that has already began; to prepare my Natalie to be ready to accept the baton at a moments' notice. Paul could see the end of his race and knew his reward was waiting for him.

I can't help but ask myself, am I running the race of life in such a way to gain the prize? Will I be remembered in such a way that is pleasing from one generation to the next? I hope so. Probably not after a couple of generations, but I'm okay with that. So I can't help but ask, how's your daily race going? Are you stretching each day towards the finish line? Are you preparing another young Timothy to pass the baton to when you finish your race of life? Will they be fully prepared to accept it with a firm grip and to run when that time comes?

Lord, thank you for crafting such a beautiful baton my parents carry. Thank you for the legacy my parents have given us already. Thank you for the time I had on this earth with my sweet, Aunt Vera. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your kingdom. I understand You don't need me, but I'm grateful You allow me to be a part of Your will. Continue to work in me, refine me, sculpt me, chisel me until You are satisfied with what you see. Grant those extra peace during this time of loss. Show them the best place to run is in the comfort of your arms. In Jesus precious, loving name.

forgive it

2009-10-26T22:27:00.001-05:00

I recently received a junk email. You know the "friend" emails or the "tag, you're hugged ~ pass it on" emails... Typically, I skim through them quickly and file most of them in the deleted folder, but for some reason, this particular email jumped off the screen. I think it was the floating balloons that caught my attention... It read: "Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it..." and it goes on.

I stumbled over the line, "Forget about the one's who don't [treat you right]" several times. I'm not suppose to forget about the ones who don't treat me right. It's been nailed into me so much to love your neighbor as yourself; and I've always been taught that Christ instructs us to love our neighbor just as He has loved me. And if there is rivalry, to pray for our brother. Matthew 18:12-20 tells me to go to my brother and resolve whatever issue is between us and if you can listen to one another, you have gained a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest. Verses 18-20 keep me in check. I'm instructed to take this seriously because what I say to one another in prayer is eternal and where two are more are gathered because of God, He is there as well.

The Message has a great passage for Matthew chapter five. In verse 43-47 it states, "You're familiar with the old written law, "love your friend." and its' unwritten companion, "hate your enemy." I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best-the sun to warm and the rain to nourish-to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anyone can dot that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that." I love how verse 48 is summed up in the Message. It reads, "In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. (hehehe! I love that!) You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you." Could He be more forward? Awesome!

Luke 6:39-41 was a recent study at church. I felt it was right in line with what is on my heart. The Message, verse 41-42: "It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this I-know-better-than-you mentality again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your own part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."

It's so easy for me to judge those around me; to think I'm better than that or that's beneath me... But Jesus clearly tells us not to judge our neighbor for I have no idea what their heart is going through ~ only God can see the heart. I remember a time my mother went through when I was younger. She was confronted by a lady in our church instructing my mother to be more involved with the church. The lady claimed that God told her that she needed to tell my mom this and that. I remember my mother looking at that lady and telling her if God needed her to know these things, that He would tell her these things Himself. This little story reminds me of the parable in Luke 6: 41-42, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brothers eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" This clearly tells me that I have no right to judge, especially when I know I can't even get it right.

Now, I believe God talks to each us in our own special way. I believe He works with me and allows me to see things for me. I can't answer for anyone else. I don't have the ability to tell someone "you're doing it wrong or you need to change that" because each of us are walking our own path with God. I have not been put on this earth to judge my neighbor, but I am to love them unconditionally. My mother followed up her conversation with this lady with this simple statement: "Why don't you walk in my shoes for a mile and see if you still feel the same way." My mother was not on a victim; it was not a "woe is me" party. She was defending the fact that she was a busy mother of four. Setting timers, bells and whistles to remind her to pick one daughter up from school while drop another one off for basketball practice. Then off to take another to piano lessons while the other one needed to be at the church for a bake sale. Only to pick up the one from basketball practice and drop her off at the softball fields as she changed uniforms in the car on the way. Meanwhile, the bake sale just ended and the other one is ready to be picked up from piano. ...You get the picture ~ she was a busy mom. She did an excellent job raising us girls along with Daddy who faithfully dropped us off at school every morning on his way to work to supply for the family. I'm grateful for them being such a vital part of my life.

If I were to title this chapter in my life, I would have to call it, "The Tired Years" and I know it's only going to get worse in the next couple of years, but there's no better way to describe it. Running Natalie to soccer practice, games, gymnastics, school, church... Oh.. yah, I have a more than 40 hour a week job. There are times that I am flat out tired. The other day Natalie and I were in the kitchen. We carved the pumpkin, made pumpkin bread and was cleaning up the kitchen when she asked me, "am I in your way?" I admit, I was tired and a little grumpy. To my surprise, instead of saying yes-move, I heard myself reply "no, you're in my life." She is my life. Yes, there are times I hurdle over her because every time I turn around she's right there. She keeps me so busy... and tired., but there's not a day goes by that I don't count it a blessing she is in my life. .

What I'm getting at is ~ if I am this busy, I imagine most everyone else is busy too and are all walking different miles in different shoes. It's in those times that I am tired, that I think about how my life is easy compared to others. James 1. Paraphrased: "Consider it sheer gifts when tests and challenges come your way because it's pressure from all sides that faith is forced into the open to show its true colors." I don't know what my neighbor is going through. I don't know the burdens of their heart. If they have done me wrong and I chose to forget about them, they could be doomed for eternity. And if I choose not to forgive them... I am doomed for eternity. Yes ~ you read that correctly. If I do not forgive someone who has done me wrong, I am dooming myself. And even more importantly, if I do not resolve that issue, I may be allowing them to be doomed. It's a big pill to swallow, but the best gift you can give someone is forgiveness. And the best gift you can give yourself... is forgiveness.

So... let me rewrite this email: Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Pray for those who don't and believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance to reconcile differences, grab it and thank God for changing you and for giving you a soft heart. Noone promised this life would be easy, but some did say it would be worth it. Stay strong and forgive just as God has forgiven us.

Lord, thank you for forgiving me. It's by your grace, I can call you my Lord. Help me to have a tender heart for others. Help me to be quick to forgive and even quicker to forget. Thank you for your countless blessings in my life including my sweet Natalie. Thank you for using her as a teaching tool for me and for graciously pursing her little heart. Thank you for showing her your love and peace and for already using her as part of your mission. You are an amazing God! In Jesus' precious name.

allow me

2009-09-30T21:02:00.000-05:00

In the last verse of Mark 8, Jesus tells us that if we are ashamed of him and the gospel, upon his return, He too will be ashamed of me. I think in my younger years, this statement was harder to overcome than today. Today, I am proud of the fact that the God of the universe admires and loves me beyond belief, but it has taken faith and trials to bring me to this point in my relationship with God.

Lately, I've been trying to help Natalie understand how and why we shouldn't be ashamed of the ultimate God of the universe. Up until a few weeks ago, Natalie would not publicly pray. I never forced it on her, but continually encourage and ask her if she would like to pray. So, the other day, I asked if she would like to pray over the meal. To my surprise, she said, "yes, I would." The two of us held each others hand, bowed our heads and turned our thoughts toward God and for the first time, I listened to the words being launched to God by my daughter in her small voice. I was so proud of her. She thanked our Heavenly Father for the day, for keeping us safe, for the food and asked Him to bless the food to the nourishment of our bodies and all these things were asked and thought of "in Jesus' name." I commended her for her prayer and thanked her. She could tell I was proud of her.

A few weeks ago, she and I had a discussion about perception and how God loves us, but if we are ashamed to talk to Him or share things we know about Him with other people, then He is going to be ashamed of us too. But if we are zealous in our sharing the news, God too is going to have favor toward us.

I think that discussion may have triggered her thinking. Over the last couple of weeks she has wanted to pray over every meal. I imagine God getting tickled and smiling down at her, with her sweet little voice and tender, young spirit. I'm reminded of the verse that Matthew 10:32 whoever acknowledges me, I will also acknowledge him before my father.

This morning while jumping through our morning routine, Natalie at the breakfast table, myself at the ironing board, we were listening to a local radio station. A comment was made upon the thought that when we are in difficult situations we shift our focus to God and ask for His help and strength to get us through another day. I looked over at Natalie as she asked, "Mom, do we do that?" I smiled and said, "Yes, I do. Do you ask God to help you?" She gave me that look like you're the momma, you're suppose to take care of those things for us.

I asked her when she's in difficult times if she asked God to help her; if she forgot to do homework or if someone gave her a hard time at recess or someone said something not nice to her. I explained to her how God hears our thoughts and looks at our heart and that it's okay to take a few minutes in a quiet, silent prayer asking God for help and strength. I could see her little wheels churning on that comment.

Job 11:7-9 ~ Job asks us, "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? God is far higher than you can imagine, far deeper than you can comprehend, stretching farther than earth's horizons, far wider than the endless ocean." I cannot put into words how mighty and amazing and endless my God is, but I ask myself how can I be ashamed of the one who has given me breath? How can I be ashamed of the one who continues to allow me to breath? How can I be ashamed of the one who sees me better than I see myself? If anything I should be intimidated beyond all means, but some how He gives me peace and whispers gently to me, "I am right here for you."

It's financially tight in our household right now and I look at the figures and each month I think I'm going to get a little ahead, and find myself spinning my wheels. We are not doing without. We are not hungry. We are just not getting ahead. Paul confirms God is for us in Philippians when he writes of his journey. In Philippians 4, Paul tells the church of Philippi that he is rejoicing in God, far happier than you would ever imagine. He says he has learned to be quite content whatever his circumstances. Paul has been hungry; he's been full; he's had plenty and done without, but still found contentment in all; even in difficult, tight situations. Paul knows that he can make it through anything, even sitting in a prison cell, because he is in the One who makes him who he is.

Let me repeat that one part... Paul is able to rejoice because he is in the One who makes him who he is.

Wow! So, as Paul states... when I am in the One, the One who makes me who I am and if I am ashamed of Him ~ I suppose, I am also ashamed of myself and who I am. I am a daughter of the king; Natalie is a daughter of the king! How could I be ashamed of being a daughter of the king of kings?!? What a privilege it is to me to be called a child of God. God doesn't need me to have His will fulfilled... it's an honor and a privilege that He allows me to be a part of his kingdom.

I recently read a passage in a book of a lady going through a cancer battle. God answered her prayers of healing and she listed a few things she learned in the process of believing. She learned that God's plan is better than our plan. She discovered prayer is powerful. She learned that God promises comfort, strength and divine peace in suffering times. She came to understand she can be grateful when God answers some prayers with a "no." And the one that stood out to me the most... she found that God does not need us, but he allows us to be a part of his purpose. Isn't that refreshing!!! God wants us to want Him. He wants us to call on Him in good times and in difficult times; rely on Him and with faith; expect Him to handle those difficult situations we think are out of our control.

Out of my faith in Him, He allows me to be a part of His purpose. Out of His faithfulness, He is there waiting for me to ask Him to be a part of me. In Him, I am who he made me to be! Through Him, He allows me to be part of His purpose. And that is the greatest reward and there's no way I could be ashamed of that!

Oh, precious Lord! Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your purpose! Thank you for your faithfulness and for showing me faith. Thank you for taking control of all situations ~ difficult or not. Help me to completely let go! Thank you for loving me! In Jesus' perfect name!

new pair of shoes

2009-09-26T20:36:00.006-05:00

There are things in life that I cannot understand why they happen. My mind cannot wrap around some concepts. Such things as children with serious illnesses. If an adult is diagnosed with a life threatening illness, sometimes (not always) the situation can be justified by a lifestyle or genetics and it's more tolerable to see an adult in a life threatening situation than a child with the same illness. The child is innocent... there's nothing justifying the means of the situation. Where's the fairness? In a meeting at work this week we talked about children with terminal illnesses. The statistics show when a terminally ill child is asked what their biggest fear is ~ the number one fear is recorded as "will I be remembered?" I think everyone, no matter the age wants to be known for something.

I don't know why some things happen and I'm sure I will not understand most things. I do know that God allows us to go through tough situations. And I know that He will never put anything in front of us that we're not capable of getting through. I know God is in control and He has brought me to the place I am today. I recall my eighth grade school year as being the toughest year of my life. My dad had a heart attack, followed by open heart triple by-pass. As a family, I know we went through some difficult financial situations because I recall my mom telling someone at one point it had been eighteen months since we brought home a paycheck. I also remember my family going through a time where mom and dad were working out some legal issues trying to get out from under a business partnership which I know was straining on them on top of the health and financial situations.

The summer before eighth grade, my best friend since kindergarten went on vacation to visit her grandparents in Nevada. Two weeks later, her mom and dad came back to box up their house and to place a "for sale" sign in their front yard. What happened to my best friend? Well, they left her at her grandparents in Nevada. There was never a "good-bye." We use to write each other every week. We've seen each other only twice since seventh grade; once in high school and another when I went to Nevada for her wedding in 1997. We call each other about once a year. Right now, I haven't spoken to her since last Christmas. (Okay, get this... literally as I am writing this paragraph ~ Would you believe it? As I was writing this about my friend, she just join facebook and requested me to be her friend!??!? ~ oh, the works of God! and His timing is perfect!)

My two older sisters had already started their adult lives; one with a baby and the other starting her career after college. The next summer, the rest of our family packed up and moved twelve miles out side of town where I chose to attend a smaller high school in another town. I thought it would be easier on the family since I could catch the bus to the next town over rather than having mom drive me to and from school each day. Down deep inside, I was doing it more for myself than mom. So my sister just older than me went to high school in our home town, while I started high school in another. This move was a new start, a new adventure ~ I wanted a new pair of shoes. I wanted to be known for something instead of walking in my sisters' footprints. I think the move did me good. I met new friends and although there were some quiet times, life was looking brighter at home and within me.

I was offered more opportunities at a smaller school than I would have had at a larger school. I wasn't outgoing ~ somewhat shy until you got to know me. Still that way today. But at my previous school and town, I wasn't known as "Suzanne." I was known by teachers, staff and church ministers as "so-in-so's little sister." It was as though I was walking in their footprints; not that it's completely bad, but I was already "marked" characteristically. So many times I heard, "You're the last of the Foust girls." Now, I would never change anything; I love my sisters, my family... and am proud of each of them. But being the youngest and the quietest, I never made a name for myself and I didn't want to pass through school being known as someone else's younger sister. It was as though I was handed a big pair of shoes and was told to wear them.

These shoes were just too big for my feet. They weren't a comfortable fit. I fumbled in them and even fell a few times. I never was quite like my sisters. They each have extrovert personalities and socialize well with others. I'm more of an introvert. But we each have our own talents, our own walk, and our own name. Some how I was told to continue what they had started and as quiet and clumsy as I was, it felt awkward at times. My feet weren't quite big enough to step into their shoes and walk in their footprints they had left behind. I wasn't a popular kid. I had friends, but we weren't the "cool" kids. Still today, I have this reservation that I don't fit into most crowds. I thrive in smaller groups with a few close friends.

One thing I have learned is that each of us wear our own shoes... Shoes that leave our own footprints everywhere we go. Footprints of how we will be remembered after we're gone. Now, I've long given up the idea of having a name for myself and making my own impressive footprints. My footprints are small, my name is not known. In fact, I carry a name that is not mine at all; I carry my daughter's name. When someone calls me "Ms. Holt," something inside me hesitates and I typically tell them to just call me "Suzanne." (At the time of the divorce, I thought it would be easier on Natalie to keep her last name rather than taking my maiden name back.) In fact, these days, my name is not even "Suzanne," since Natalie started school last year, I have become, "Natalie's mom;" and I'm okay with that. :)

For each of us, no matter the name and no matter the shoes ~ old or new, as Paul states in Philippians, the race of life is still the same and the footprints are still there. I just hope the footprints I have left have been graceful as each day, I continue to slip on my own pair of shoes.

Hebrews 10:23, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Lord, I ask You to help me walk in the right direction. Keep my path straight so that anyone within the walkway sees it is You who is guiding my feet. I pray that those footprints leave a positive impression. I pray that my journey is a journey in which Natalie can keep up with ~ a journey where she's not walking in my footprint, but side by side with me as we keep You as the primary focus in our walk. Thank you for already giving her feet with beautiful footprints. Thank you for the path in which you have lead us. Thank you for loving me and pursuing me. You are so mighty! You are so awesome! In Jesus' precious, loving name.

just wait a minute

2009-09-16T20:44:00.003-05:00

Habakkuk 2:2, 3 says that the Lord answered saying, "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness point to what's coming. It aches for the coming-it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time."

We live in a world of instant gratification. I want it and I want it now and if you can't deliver that to me now, I'll find someone who will and can. We've lost the gift of patience. I'm not saying anything we don't already know. We've lost the art of using an oven; now it's a microwave that will zap food in seconds. We've lost the art of reading with a wide range of audio books so we can listen while we multitask. We've lost the art of research. At our fingertips is the world wide web with anything and everything I need to know and some things I shouldn't. We've lost patience.

Although patience doesn't come to me naturally, it is not something I ask God to help me with. I know that's one thing I know He would send me through the stickiest trials if I want or need to learn more patience. We all have so much on our plates every day that a lesson in patience is not something I chose to endure at this time. I thank God for the patience He has graciously taught me in the past and praise Him that I understand patience.

Is it wise to live in a world of instant gratification? I'm not sure it is, but I'm not sure I have the answer to change it. I guess I would say I'm spoiled and partly it's my own fault for allowing it. Natalie turns seven tomorrow and we couldn't wait to get the trampoline set up in the back yard. With all the rain we have had lately, I'm starting to wonder if I should be building an ark and Natalie has been tested with patience because the rain won't let up long enough for her to get out there and bounce around.

Lamentations 3:25 tells me that the Lord is good, but I knew that already. But said that the Lord is good to those that wait for him, to the soul that seeks him. The next verse tells me that it's good for me to both hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Our ultimate "waiting period" is life. It's the whole purpose of life, to win the crown and be with our everlasting saviour.

I have to admit the other day I was in a pickle. Nothing major, but the outcome was going to require a lot of work and a lot of my time. My time that I thought was valuable and should be spent elsewhere. I literally cried out to God and asked Him to send His son for our eternal homecoming. Why? Because I'm lazy. Grant it, that would have been the ultimate gift. But I wanted him to return so I wouldn't have this work to do. I Corinthians 1:7 speaks on waiting for the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Thessalonians 3 tells me that the Lord will direct my heart into the love of God and grant me patience waiting for Christ. But... I want Him to come now.

There are days that I feel closer to God than others. Sometimes I think He doesn't hear me at all. I think we all go through these times. Today I felt God's presence all around me. Our family had a victorious day. Over the last nine years my nephew has carried around a huge burden and pressure! Praise the Lord, we received a call that told us he walks a free man today! It's been a personal battle for our whole family, but we've stayed by his side through it all. There have been many times when I thought we would never see this day; this day of freedom! For nine years we've waited for this release. We always knew God was on our side, but sometimes waiting for the answers were the hardest part. It's easy to say, wait upon the Lord, but when you have to suffer through tough situations, that waiting becomes very difficult.

I think it's odd how God loves to throw things in our pathway. This morning there was a stirring in me to write something about waiting. I kept hearing and began writing... "Wait upon the Lord; write a vision down on tablet, make it known then wait on the Lord." Then, Praise The LORD! we received the phone call we've been waiting for for nine years! Seeing the waiting period that God has just sent us through with my nephew, makes me wonder: what is God's timing? What if our minutes are years to God? What if our years were merely minutes to God? What if God has said... hold on, just wait a minute.

After I had already began writing this blog, my dad called me and told me the great news. I couldn't stop crying tears of joy! I wanted to scream it to the mountain tops. I wanted to give praise and worship to God. I talked to my nephew on the phone and he was rejoicing with me. He said, "Sue, I don't know what to do now that I don't have this pressure hanging over my head." The only response I knew to say was, "God has been on our side this whole time. Use this situation for His glory and give Him all the glory! You gotta give Him the honor He deserves because if it were not for Him, we wouldn't be here today." We had our own little revival on the phone on the back porch of my work. I paced the floor in front of my sisters conference room until finally, I built up enough courage to break up the meeting to announce to her that her nephew was a free man. The bubbling inside of me wouldn't sit still. I wanted to shout it to the mountain tops!

I chatted with my dad on instant messenger after word was spread throughout the family. I told him I have felt like I have been in the dumps lately and this was the most excitement I have felt in a long time. Work isn't going all that great and wish things were a little different than they currently were. We started our conversation at the same time a lady walked into my cubical. I asked him to, "wait just a minute, I have someone in my cubical" but by the time I got back to the conversation, he was already gone to make some lunch.

Dads words read, "When I get in the dumps, I try to go the other way. I see people who are worse off than me and it doesn't seem as bad as I thought." He went on to say that he looks at his health and the heart ache he thinks he causes his family how that makes him sad. Then he realizes there are so many that don't even have a family. How he is very blessed to have a loving wife and four daughters and two of the greatest grandchildren anyone could ever want. Then he said, "Then I remember that Jesus died for ME and that I have never had to pay a price like that for anyone."

I feel like my nephew has paid some price, nothing like Christ has, but I think he understands what it means to be persecuted. Though I haven't talked to him about it, I believe he has a testimony to share with the world. I am blessed with a wonderful, loving family. A family, that I know without a doubt, has my back in any situation. I've seen each of us go through different battles and we all came out victorious and as one. Although sometimes it takes more time than we think it should and we have to wait out the storm, in the end, God is with us every step of the way. My dad ended our conversation as he normally does, "ALWAYS REMEMBER "I LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER."

Today, we have a reason to celebrate, and together we hope the celebration goes on for a very long time as it should. Though there will still be some waiting until all is over and said, we are certain that God is on our side and has worked miracles in our lives. We give Him all the praise and glory for everything even if we had to wait a few minutes.

Oh, Lord, You are an awesome God! Thank you for the amazing answers you have given us today. Thank you for this victorious day! Thank you for the having me wait for it has proven my faith in You even more! Thank you for taking care of my family and showing them your grace and mercy. I'm asking you now to continue to encompass us in your loving arms and continue to protect us as you always do. Thank you for allowing me to understand patience and thank you for allowing me to wait upon you. Thank you for hearing our prayers and more than anything... thank you for answering them so beautifully! In Jesus' precious, loving name.

i did this for you

2009-09-08T00:33:00.007-05:00

My Natalie is such a pleasure! She has been an easy kid. My parents brag on her all the time and have every reason to do so... she's amazing. She is an incredible artist. She painted a watercolor of a bunny a few months ago and it blew me away. She needed a little help getting started, but what she created was incredible. Here's a picture to show you her painting. She brought it to me and said, "do you like it? I did this for you."

Thursday morning I woke up before the sun was up and again, I opened up the house to let the cool air in... I opened the window in the bathroom to a dark backyard. As my morning routine continued in the bathroom, I looked over at the window and caught a glimpse of the sun rising. I could see the sky turning multiple shades of blues and oranges, but because of the awning, the trees and peering out this tiny window, I only caught a glimpse of it before it was completely light. I laugh now because I caught myself standing over the toilet, one knee on the lid, scrunched down, peering out the bottom corner of the window from a left angle... (got a mental picture?). ...just to see a glimpse of the glorious sight. I wasn't able to see the full sky, but enough to know it was gorgeous! It was like the sky was singing. It was as if God was saying... "Good morning, sunshine! You like it? I did this for you!"

We had an amazing visit at my parents house this weekend. Natalie had taken her baby bunny to show Mimi and Paw. On my home Monday night I saw the most amazing site. The moon was resting on the horizon which I've seen many times. But tonight when I saw the moon glowing in all its' amazing glory in the sky hopping over the trees as I drove, it was breathtaking! I've never seen the moon glowing with such vibrant red. A soothing peace rushed over me and it again was if God was saying... "I'm with you on your drive home. Do you like the moon tonight? I did this for you!"

Natalie and I had the most amazing conversation tonight. I always ask questions to help her build a relationship with God and to help show her the relationship I have with him. I want her to experience Him the way I do. I gave her a new children's' bible the other day. She's been carrying it around with her. She loves that it has the ten commandments listed in the back. I recently taught my 3rd and 4th grade Sunday school class how to easily memorize the 10 commandments by using their 10 fingers. So Natalie and I sang through the New Testament books of the bible song; then went through the meanings of the ten commandments.

I was surprised she understood them each so well, but when it came to "graven images" we had an amazing conversation. I was trying to explain to her how any person or thing could easily be a "graven image." How easy it is to place something in front of God; television, people, anything... how it becomes more important than worshiping and being obedient to God. My heart sang out when she said, "You know mom, even this bunny could be a graven image if I love it more than God."

"Yes, hon, you're absolutely right. If you decide to stay home to play with that rabbit rather than going to church or spending time with God you are placing that bunny as more importance than God. And commandment #1 says what?"

"You are the Lord my God!!"

"That's right! I think you understand the graven image." By this point I was gleaming!

"Mom, the way I have it organized in my mind is that God and Jesus are first," as she was drawing a circle in the air around her body. "Then my family ~ not lined up, but you are all right there," as she drew a larger imaginary circle outside of her first with her hands. "Then my bunny and cat and anything else I really like," in an even larger imaginary circle.

Natalie attends my Sunday school class the majority of the time. She's only in first grade, but she asked to join our class and I love the fact that I get to teach her along with other children. I loved it when starts asking questions. So tonight, I was smiling from ear to ear! She made me so proud. We talked about murder, adultery, taking God's name in vain, keeping the Sabbath holy, honoring and respecting your parents, lying, what coveting means, and then about stealing.

When we talked about honoring your father and mother she talked about respecting her teachers too. She is wise beyond her years. She gave me examples on how not to use God's name in vain and that she's heard people do that before. She says that even taking a paperclip from work for your own use is stealing. I explained to her how God looks into the heart and how if he sees hatred, He considers that displeasing just like murder. That we are commanded to love our neighbors, friends and the people in the check out line. She explained to me that if a married couple were not honest with each other and dated someone else that was adultery ~ (which I felt was enough of the concept at her age). We talked about just because someone might be a good person doesn't mean they are going to go to heaven. I had the opportunity to share with her how God requires us to keep his commandments and be obedient.

I was appalled! While driving I began to ask myself... What gives her this knowledge of understanding at six years old? ...of course, God. Natalie has been pursued by my gracious God and already he is working in her. He has given her what she needs to know even at the age of six to start relying on him. It was as if God was smiling down at me saying, "don't you just love her? Oh, she is so beautiful! I did this for you!"

All around I am blessed with God's goodness! It's the simple things he likes to do for me. If we take notice His goodness is all around us. He did this for you!

Lord, thank you for you amazing beauty. Thank you for doing this for me! Thank you for my little Natalie and the love you have for her. I lift her up to you for she is yours. Help me to continue guiding her down the path towards you. Show me what you need me to show her. You are an incredible God! In Jesus precious name!

power in a single drop

2009-09-07T08:52:00.004-05:00

I drove up to visit my parents for Labor day weekend. I surprised them at church; dad and Kim knew we were coming that early, but they told mom that Natalie and I wouldn't be there until around 4pm. Mom saw us and gave me that, "you girls are sneaky" look. We hugged necks as the church sang out in worship songs. One song we sang that touched my heart is this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOY0mjjmx8Y

I love music. This song is a wonderful "get lost in His love" song for me. Reminds me how much He is here for me today and has paid the ultimate price. How no matter what I have done, He still loves me. He loved me before I was born. There's a line in the song At the cross I bow my knees, where your blood was shed from me. There's no greater love than this. I know He loves me.

It's great to know I'm loved ~ I know I say that a lot, but coming home for a family visit always reminds me how strong our family ties are. There's something powerful about a blood line and the love that connects us to one another.

I'm reading a book right now called "Tilling the Soul" by Denise George. I picked it at a garage sale this weekend. It's a daily devotional study, but I like to just read through them as a regular book. Denise's book is about how she has discovered the power of prayer and how prayer penetrates our pain. Her father had heart complications (just as mine has had) and through the first couple of devotions I could see and understand her pain from the experiences I have had.

This morning as we were in the backyard looking over dads garden when mom noticed dads elbow bleeding. He was letting Natalie pick his tomatoes and talked to her about caring for a garden. It was only a little scratch, but dad being on so much blood thinners, a little scratch can mean a big mess and a opportunity to lose a lot of blood. This happens a lot and dad sometimes doesn't realize he has even scratched himself.

I'll try not to get to graphic, but want to portray the picture I saw. The small drop of blood on his elbow caught moms' attention. Sometimes there's a trigger inside me that goes off when I hear of things that dad has to go through. He's tough, but fragile all in the same. The blood required a paper towel and a band aid ~ that's all. But the power that grabbed our attention was what made me think of the power in a single drop of blood.

There are so many diseases in our world. When I see blood the panic button goes off inside. Then I begin to think of all the ways to avoid touching or infecting each other with each other's blood ~ that's just how we are trained. If there are accidents in our job, home, whatever ~ if there is blood, there is caution in how to handle it (even written documentation on how to handle blood) ~ there is power in blood. It makes us act different ~ it makes our attitude switch to serious.

In that one drop of blood, I'm reminded of the many drops that fell from Jesus' brow the day He tore away the veil. The old hymn sings there is power in the blood. If it were not for the blood that was shed on the cross, we would not have the freedoms we do today. That day he knew that his actions would affect me over 2000 years later. In Colossians 1 all things were created by Him and for Him. In verses 18-20 of The Message it reads, He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—he is supreme in the end. From beginning to end he's there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross. All things are there, but still before Christ was willing to give his life, we were without harmony. It was all because of his death... the power in his blood that was poured out and down the cross that allows us to be free from the bandages of this world. Oh, the power in a single drop!

Lord, thank you for the power of the blood! Thank you for your goodness! Thank you for giving me this time with my family and the safety you give us from day to day. I love and praise you for loving me. In Jesus precious name.

answer it

2009-09-05T21:51:00.001-05:00

Tonight I had the privilege to be used. I had an internal battle for a few minutes, but then I said, "okay, I'll do it!"

Now, I don't hear God's voice. It's not a big man voice coming from the heavens. It's a gentle pull on my conscience and spirit. He uses all of us different, but this is how he uses me. I know it's him when I experience a couple of things. Typically whatever is being asked of me is not something I would normally just go do. When it is understood what's being asked of me, there's usually an internal battle I have with myself. There's been times I fight it and other times I've flat out ignored it. And then there are times I answer it.

So, tonight, I'm outside working in the yard. I had already trimmed my yard, front and back. I typically start mowing in the back and finish in the front, but tonight was different. For some odd reason, I wanted to start in the front. After trimming, I mowed the side... worked my way to the front. Within only a few lines left to mow, I happen to look up and see an elderly man tugging a suitcase out of the trunk of his car. I've seen him and his wife a few times. They are here visiting their daughter who lives on the other side of the street from me. I don't know their names, but I believe she has a disability. Her parents are probably in their 70s or 80s as he is walking with a cane.

So here I am mowing... I stop, walk down the street and casually ask, "is that the only bag you have?" He stopped in the driveway with his cane and red suitcase.

He said, "No. There's a couple of jackets and another bag..." As I walked closer, I could see the items along with two gallon ziploc bags of all kinds of medications. With ease, I grabbed up the items, closed the trunk and walked over to the man who had not even made it half way to the front door yet. I took the suitcase from his hands and followed him up the steps.

"You have your hands full now," he said.

"Yes, sir... glad I could help," I smiled as I laid all the items inside the door. I was thinking I sure hope someone is helping out my parents when they need it since I live this far away.

I walked back to my yard and finished mowing the small patch. God was tugging on my heart. The old man wasn't what caught my attention in the first place. In fact, I had been looking at this lady's yard all evening. Every strip I mowed and faced her house, I saw her yard and how the crab-grass was about three feet tall.

A few months ago, my next door neighbor blessed me by mowing my back yard. One morning I had gotten up and looked out and realized someone had mowed my lawn. No note, no call and no bill. I was ever grateful and finally after a few days realized who had done it and told him how blessed I felt. The day he had mowed was the day I had spent in Tulsa with my family at the hospital. Dad was having a new pacemaker and there was just a lot of things going on at that time and mowing wasn't at the top of my priorities. It wasn't out of control grass, I just hadn't found the time to mow.

I looked up at my neighbors yard again.

"Go mow her yard."

"Oh, man, I'm tired and I still need to mow the back."

"Go mow her yard."

"Augh... then, she might want me to mow her back yard too."

"Go mow her yard."

"But it's getting dark soon and I won't have time to finish mowing the back and I won't have time this next week to mow. I'm going to mom and dads tomorrow; get home probably too late on Monday. Tuesday, Natalie starts soccer..." I go through the whole week and see that it's going to be Thursday before I have a chance to mow and realize by then it's going to be so tall...

"Go mow her...."

"Okay, okay... I got it. I'll mow, but Lord ~ please... let her have a small backyard. please?"

I grabbed some gas from the shed, filled up and push my mower down the street to this lady's house and begin to mow. As I was mowing her front yard i saw that her backyard was already mowed. I started laughing ~ I'm serious! "Thanks, God! for the "small backyard" request!"

I was laughing and shaking my head. I'm about half way through the yard before the lady came out with a smile on her face and the way she was holding her arm and walking with a limp, I could tell at some point she had had a stroke. She was thankful and warned me of an extension cord in the yard. Then she told me that her mother had mowed most of the back yard, but that she shouldn't be out there mowing and asked if I would mind finishing it up. I told her that it was no problem ~ that I would take care of it. ...she was grateful.

I laughed to myself again. Her backyard was huge ~ about the size of mine if not bigger. Her fence backed up to an old church building and their field. But the area that needed to be mowed was very small. Her mother had mowed the majority of it already. "Thanks, God, for the little backyard," I said as I wrapped up the ten minutes of mowing in the backyard. As I was walking away I could see there were still a lot of trimming that needed to be done.

"Now trim."

"But.. you said just mow."

"When you mow your yard, do you use the weed eater?"

"Yes."

"Then mow it like it's your yard."

"Augh, okay."

So, I trekked back to the house, put the mower in the backyard; grabbed the weed eater line and went to trimming.

I got home just as it was getting dark. Needless to say that my backyard is not mowed, but when I looked at the back, it seemed like it wasn't as tall as the front yard before I began. It can wait until Thursday.

Now, I'm telling you this story not because I want a pat on the back nor an "atta-girl". I'm sharing this story because I'm so tickled that God used me and blessed me. I don't have money nor riches, but when I saw my neighbor tonight I realized that God has blessed me with something today that they do not have; strength.

There have been times that I ignore this tug. But, you know what? God doesn't punish me for not responding. Oh, but when I do answer it, he blesses me with a peaceful satisfaction.

Lord, thank you for giving me strength to answer your request. Thank you for using me and tugging at my spirit. Use the situation tonight to be a light to my neighbor. I don't know her situation, but allow her to associate my efforts as a blessing from You today! Thank you for all you've done for me. In Jesus precious name.

dose of joy

2009-09-03T00:44:00.004-05:00

I chatted with my mom last night for over an hour on instant messenger. She's so sneaky ~ I thought she was dad. They have their own individual languages.

When I see them logged in (they share a user name), nine times outta ten it's dad and i say, "hi daddy!" His response is usually, "hi baby." If it's my mom, she usually types, "Hi Suzanne."

I typed my typical introduction, "hi daddy." She typed "Hey Babe." (I should have known... she used upper and lower case). When daddy and I type-chat, we use lower case... it's just easier.

So, I started to ask him, "how are you feeling today?" but I already knew his typical response would have been, "with my fingers. how do you feel?" I thought I'd throw him off track a little and ask if he was able to eat anything today since he has been having some problems the last couple of days. She couldn't take her joke too long ~ she caved. "Believe it or not its MOM," she typed; "I was just pulling your chain." Even from two hours driving distance away, I could hear her little giggle as she thought she had pulled a good one over on me. ...sneaky woman! We chatted about a few things and how she broke her toe yesterday (ouch) and that she was getting ready for bed... over an hour later, we finally said goodnight.

I chatted to her about the different things that have been on my heart lately. One being my interpretation of joy. Ecclesiastes 3 states there's a time for everything... I like this chapter a lot. It sure makes sense on a lot of life situations. God pretty much lists out that there's is a time for whatever I may possibly think about going through in my life. Yes, there's a time to be born, to die, to heal, to kill, to tear down, to build up, to laugh, to weep, to mourn to dance, to scatter, to gather, time to embrace, to refrain, to search, to give up, to keep, to throw away, tear, to mend, to love... you get the picture. There is really not a whole lot more ~ our lives are going to pass along one of these times at some point. With all these different times coming and going, there is a consistency. There is joy in the midst.

In 1 Thessalonians 5:16 it reads simply, "be joyful always." That's it. Be joyful. The next verse, "pray continually." Joy, pray.

No matter what I go through, there is joy. It's mine.

I can still hear mom giggling in my mind. She said we had the sleepy sillies. Little did she know I was up writing this blog. :)

So, Let me try to explain how I see joy from a different angle. Joy is typically associated with an emotion or physical expression; such as an outage for happiness. But sometimes I find that joy is not always a feeling; nor an emotion. Now, don't get me wrong... I've been abundantly happy but also there have been times I've been terribly sad. I know joy can come along with happiness and to grasp on to the offering God gives us there is contentment in Him knowing that he is in control. I can still have joy in the sad times too.

Joy is listed in Galatians 5:22 as fruit of the spirit along with love, peace, patience, goodness, kindness and faithfulness. On Wednesday nights, we're studying the book of Philippians and how Paul still finds joy in some very difficult times. He talks in the first chapter about how he is in chains for Christ, but because of his suffering, others have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly. 1 Peter 1:8, "...joy unspeakable and full of glory..."

Think of joy as low bearing fruit. God offers it to me anytime, anywhere, for any occasion. It's just there. I just have to take it ~ like fruit. Oh, and is it ever sweet! In everything we should find joy. It's kind of like contentment without settling. It's not so much that "I feel this, or I feel that" ~ but that there's a safe, quiet peace that puts a smile on my face. It's one of God's gift to me.

Joy also comes with a dose of peace, and a splash of love. It comes with the faith of knowing that God is here and dwelling among us, protecting me. It's like Paul said, knowing I'm alive with Him, but even if death takes me ~ I'm even more alive with Him. It's a "win-win" situation. It's not just a "lack of tears." There may be occasions I'm going to cry in joyous times. Joy is mine ~ just like love, it's there.

Take it. It's yours. If you don't ~ it's still there just waiting on you. Then if you need a little more ~ a new dose will be there as the sun comes up along with your mercy and grace and love. It takes faith knowing it's there for us to accept ~ so pull up a chair and let's embrace it. Let's partake ~ however you want... sip it, slurp it, eat it with a fork ~ however you want it, enjoy your dose of joy! I prefer mine with a cup of coffee. :)

"We just have to accept it." Nicely said, mom. :)

Lord, you are my strength. Just as the sweetness of ripe fruit, I receive your sweet, sweet joy, wrapped up with unconditional love and perfect peace. I'm especially thankful for my mom today. When you created her, you knew she would be my mom ~ hand picked for me... and I am ever grateful! Thank you for her strength for I know she too relies on you. Lord, I pray a special blessing to whoever is reading this today. Give them an abundance of joy; wrap it up in your amazing love and cover it with your comforting peace. Lord, let me be your waitress and help serve your goodness to them. Help me to let them know, just as Paul conveyed in Philippians, no matter the situation, no matter the pain; You are still the one who gives this amazing love. Graciously and joyously You have already picked up our bill! You still amaze me! In Jesus precious name.

ask, seek and knock real loud

2009-09-02T19:22:00.001-05:00

Natalie told me we needed a "door ringer thingy. You know, mom... to put on the front door. We don't have one of those."

"Uh, a doorbell?"

"Yah! That's what they call it," she confirmed.

I giggled as I knew what she was thinking and talking about, but I let her try to figure it out. I was thinking about this conversation I had with her as we pulled out of the church parking lot tonight on our way home. Some reason it struck me as odd ~ out of the blue. Why would she be thinking about a doorbell?

Anyway... I'm preparing for bed and I keep hearing a song play in my head. "Ask and seek and knock real loud, that's what faith is all about. Situations turning 'round and I know you'll start believing, asking and receiving." I think it's from an old Accappella CD.

(Mom, remember our chat? We talked about this ~ believe ...I told you I hadn't quite figured it out at the time, but I knew there was something there.)

The doorbell. No, we don't have a doorbell, but then again our house is just a small, two bedroom, cozy house. As you walk through the house, with hard wood floors everyone in the house knows someone is moving about. When you come to visit, you just have to knock. Sometimes you have to knock real loud.

God tells us to believe. Matthew 7:7, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

I have recently been reunited with a friend from high school via the Internet. I can call her friend now, but about twenty years ago, I'm pretty sure I would not have consider her a friend. We both feel that way. But today, I'm so blessed to hear her story how she found Jesus five years ago. Hearing the pain she went through while we were in high school broke my heart. She was in a dark place back then. She was very rough around the edge. Now, understanding what she went through, she had every reason to be the way she was. Sometimes I take things for granted, her childhood was very different than mine. Her mother was not active in her life as mine was.

I think back in high school. We resonated on separate sides of the hall. She was part of the "rough crowd." I was part of the "too good for you" crowd. We were different.

I asked for her forgiveness. She was dumbfounded. I asked her to forgive me for giving up on her. I should have at least prayed. I should have tried to witness. Instead, I shamefully turned my back on her and others. No, I'm not proud of it, but that's what I did then. I'm not sure even at the time if I would have been strong enough to stand up to her anyway.

She was so sweet. She reassured me that there was nothing I could have done to change who she was back then... that it took all that to get where she is today. She believes in the merciful, powerful, amazingly loving God I do!

Everyones walk is different. Every "knock" is different. How we get to God is all different. God hears all of us, but just as seeds planted near the pathway, they are watered by cracked pots and eventually grow into beautiful flowers. When we do knock, sometimes softly... sometimes we knock real loud, He is faithful to open His arms and invite us in.

As the song plays in my head, "ask and seek and knock real loud..." I'm so glad we have the opportunity to knock on God's door. I'm so glad that he embraces us no matter the circumstance. I'm so glad He is ever faithful and answered my friends knock.

Oooh, I have an idea....maybe we can ask for mansions near each other. Mansions? Oh yah! My God has gone to prepare a place for us! Hey... come on over... be sure and knock real loud! ...I don't have a doorbell.

mold me with fresh grace

2009-08-31T09:13:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I heard Natalie say, "oh, I'm stupid."

Immediately I took her defense. "Don't say that, Natalie. You are not stupid. You are very intelligent and bright. Why would you say that?"

She started back paddling and could see that she didn't really mean it and was quoting something she saw on TV.

Today, I listened to an incredible video that reassured what I have been battling inside. It starts out talking about Ephesians 2:10. This is where it hit home. I have been beating myself up the last couple of months because I can’t seem to get ahead of the ball. I throw that term out lightly, but it’s bounced from work to financials to physical strength to just about every area of my life. Here in Ephesians I'm told that I am his workmanship... created in Jesus. "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them."

I look at Natalie and see a beautiful creation of God. She’s sweet, charming and beautiful. People sing her praises for the kindness she shows and her intelligence. I clearly see that God has created a masterpiece!

When I got up this morning it was still dark. I opened the doors and windows to let the cool air in. I prepared Natalie's lunch and fed the cat before I took a good long look in the mirror ~ what did I see?

I saw me.

I also saw an overweight, 30 something, single, broken woman who needs a haircut and a color to cover the grey. I am ashamed of what I see. I don't like the body that I'm in ~ I want the weight to fall off. I don't like the decisions I have made. I don't like the financial situation I am in. Ultimately, I saw me. "I am stupid," is what I see... is what I hear.

It’s in the lowly, tired, lonely times that I tend to scream out to him. The work is not done. Every day there are more chips flying as he chisels ~ taking out all the things that do not pertain to him. The things that are dead weight...anger, pride, comparison of others instead of him, problem with lust, laziness, pretending to be too busy for God, vainly going to church, but not coming to me... God is not into playing games. He doesn't want me to just have him play God over certain areas of my life, but instead he wants to BE God in my life! He wants to be in every detail.

As I looked into the mirror I whispered, “God, how have I lost your love? How can I make you love me more? I know, I’ll sign up for another thing at church or take on that challenging project at work. I’ll keep fighting the fight…”

Just as I have heard time after time over the last couple of months… God says, "Stop! LET GO! Sit still and listen to me, this may even hurt. Listen, when you said, “Yes” to me… I never promised it would be easy."

My argument is, "but, God, I know I said “yes,” but in so many ways, I have let you down.”

God says, “No! You haven’t been holding me up! Let me have my way.”

Tearfully I plea, “If I let you have your way, you’re going to see the real me and you're not going to like what you find in me. Oh, Lord, it’s best if you don’t. Oh, please, be prepared of what you see... I'm scared. I’m ashamed. Be prepared for what you find in there, Lord. I'm sorry... I'm really scared that you won't like what you see. Oh, this hurts. There are areas in here that you are not fully invited. Oh, Lord, I know you think I'm stupid for some of the things you see in there. You’ll see I'm lazy. You might see that I'm prideful ~ that I try to do things on my own. You’ll see, Lord, that I’m stupid."

God says, "Suzanne, you are beautiful!”

I cry, “Oh, Lord, I am not. I’m a mess! I'm not a good person.”

God laughs, “Suzanne, I don't make junk! You are beautiful! I am so madly in love with you! I want to romance you! I want to dance with you just as David dances. I want to give you all I have ~ my joy, my peace, my love. YOU are my masterpiece. Suzanne, You are my ORIGINAL Masterpiece. It’s in you I find favor! You bring me joy!"

“Really? Me? I am a masterpiece. No… Lord, you must have me confused with someone else. Really?”

God replies, “How beautiful are those who bring good news! Now, get out there and let my glory shine!”

WOW! With the same tools he molds my beautiful Natalie... he molds me ~ chiseling me into what he wants me to be... a masterpiece. Oh, it hurts and it’s not an easy road and over and over I try to take control... I’m insane to think that I fall into the emptiness of trying to do things myself and expect different results.

There is nothing I can do to pull me away from God’s love and grace. There is nothing more I can do to gain more of God’s love and grace. I cannot gain more of his love. Let me say that again... There is NOTHING I can do to gain more of God's love and grace and there is NOTHING that I can do that will pull me away from God's love and grace ~ nothing. It's there.

I can only accept it.

And when I accept it… He has made me his masterpiece. Its through obedience that I grow into what he would have me become. When I look in the mirror I want to see him. I want him to use me and allow me to do his great things! He loves me too much to leave me beating myself up. But it is up to me to take the steps he has laid out for me.

As the video showed me this morning, “I am God's original masterpiece. God does not make junk. You are an original masterpiece!” It’s so great to hear that the Lord loves us.

In Lamentations 3:22-24 I’m told that because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is his faithfulness! The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. I love The Message version. It reads, “God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left.” Wow! Isn’t it wonderful to know that God offers the same love and mercy and grace to me daily? And from day to day, it never changes nor dries up! This is what I have been hearing lately.

Accept his fresh grace. It’s enough EVERY single day to get me through the day… and to top it all off, he offers me his unconditional love.

Lord, Today I’m releasing it all. I cannot continue to hold on to these things. I cannot continue to do it on my own. I want to be your masterpiece. Please do what you need to do to make me all you want me to be. Mold me, shape me, work on me until you are satisfied with what you have done; then in me, shine through me so that all may see your glory. Continue to chisel out the things that are just taking up residence and do no good. For it is you I want to shine in me. When I look in the mirror, I want to see you.

keep me out

2009-08-05T13:21:00.002-05:00

Lord, take me where you want me to go;

Let me meet who you want me to meet,

Tell me what you want me to say,

And then... keep me out of the way.

Couldn't have said any better than that. Thank you, Dwight Edwards.

move my feet

2009-08-05T10:15:00.002-05:00

"Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet." I read this somewhere and it hit home.

Every day I ask for God's direction, understanding and vision for what He has for me. But some days, I not sure I'm really willing to take that next move to let him use me, to direct me or help me to understand exactly His will for my life. It's one thing to ask, but another to actually move to the call.

Several times this last week, I have found myself in a situation where I need to die. Not in a physical way ~ in a mental, fleshly way. My fleshly desires want to take over and take charge of my every move, my step... and ultimately my mind. As simple as it is... I lose track. I lose focus on the ultimate goal. The path looks foggy, disturbed and I not sure what lies in wait for me up ahead. I can't see clearly, the things I should be doing. And can't see what lies in wait for my passing. I begin to doubt what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I need... Ultimately I begin to fear. I begin to retreat back to my comfort zone, less striving, less attentive to God's voice. Although I consistently asked God to lead me.

But, what good is it if I'm not willing to go and do what is needed of me ~ if I'm not willing to move my feet?

The other night, Natalie in tears crawled in bed with me. As a mother, I comforted her in my arms and asked what was going on. She responded simply, "I'm scared." She had a nightmare that was detailed and too real in her mind. She said she couldn't stop thinking about it and it just scared her so much. I wrapped my arms around her, held her tight and told her to think about her favorite cartoon. It became relevant to me at that point... I'm scared too. And probably too much to do with where my focus is right now. It's in my Father's arms where I feel most comforted. From the time I was a kid in Missionettes, I constantly reflect back to Philippians 4:8, whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, good report, think of these things.

When I think about these things, my feet want to move. I want to make an impact in the world, in my own, quiet way. God gives me choices. ...some times I wished He didn't, but He does. He gives me the choice to let him guide my steps or try to make it on my own. I don't want to be in my comfort zone... I want to stay hungry... I want to seek God to feed my soul. I want to seek God to move my feet.

Romans 10:14-15 reads: How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15 And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"

Lord, take control of my feet... help me to get up and move to your calling, to be a servant to fulfill your need, your will. Use me for your glory, for your kingdom. I'm reminded of a prayer by Chuck Oodegard at church: "Lord, give me eyes to see the world as you see it. Lord, give me ears to hear the world as you hear it. Lord, break my heart with the things that break your heart. Lord let me serve you in the joy that only you can give." In Jesus precious name.

parental love

2009-08-03T11:04:00.001-05:00

God loves me. I don't think I really knew how that statement was true until the experience of raising Natalie. As a parent, I can't imagine my child ever doing anything to me, against me that would cut the ties of love I have for her. Even imagining her as adult and making choices of her own that would change her life for good or bad ~ I still can't imagine not loving her. Nor can I think of anything that I wouldn't do to show her my parental love. It's unconditional. It's indescribable. It's parental love.

God, in the same sense, has called me as his own child. He has no grandchildren, no aunts, no uncles, no step children... He has children and I am His child. When I obey Him I am rewarded; I am blessed. When I do not obey ~ guess what? He still loves me so very much. So much more than I can ever imagine. It is a parental, patient, forgiving, unconditional, unfailing, trusting, hoping, protecting love as in I Corinthians 13.

The blood of Christ shouts once and for all on behalf of the Father, "I love you! There's nothing bad you can do to make Me love you less, and nothing good you can do to make Me love you more–it's impossible to love you more than I already do and always will." from Releasing the Rivers Within by Dwight Edwards.

God does not punish me for my sins... sin is, in itself, punishment ~ sin devours me from the inside. It is not God's purpose to punish me for it, but He receives joy when He has cured me from it. I cannot gain God's love. No matter what I do (or don't do, for that matter) I cannot gain more love from God. He loves me ~ He truly loves me. No matter what mess I get myself in... no matter what steps I have taken. God is what He is... no matter how I've preconceived notions and ideas in my mind. I only need to accept what it is; what He is ~ Love.

our piece

2009-07-26T01:05:00.005-05:00

I should be a sleep right now... but I've been reading. I picked up a book the other day that's titled "What does the Bible say about DIVORCE." I was hoping it would give better insight than what it did. Primarily, it gave me great verse reference, but most of the references seemed to be chosen out of it's context from what it really meant. ...a little disappointed ~ wouldn't recommend the book, but oh well. :)

This week has been hard on me. I've thought a lot about this Sunday coming up for a while. This calendar day marks a few items down in history for me. It marks the anniversary date of my ex-husband and I wedding twelve years ago. It also marks the anniversary date of the day I filed for a divorce five years ago. I know I made those decisions. Both decisions were not easy, but they are what they are. I don't believe God wants us to be unhappy and the situation I was in prior to five years ~ I had lost my joy and peace. I felt alone.

After I browsed through the topics of my newly purchased book, (which I have to point out it was on the clearance table) I read some of the references, I thought to myself "I'll just shelf this book." A while back I had rearranged some nick-knacks in the bookshelf so I could add a few more things. My mother has the matching shelf in her house. She and dad gave me this shelf and a dresser about twelve years ago. I opened the door and a crash hit the hard wood floor shattering into a hundred pieces. My heart was saddened to see a sweet "prayer" ceramic pot hit the floor. This prayer jar was given to me by my mother about five years ago. I started picking up some of the papers that fell with the crash laying among the pile. They were small pieces of paper, typed and cut out perfectly. I had a small pile of different size papers in my hands when I realized these were not just any papers... I was holding written prayers that had fallen out of the cork sealed pottery piece which was now in a hundred pieces.

I gathered them all up and started reading them one at a time, each one being more special than the one before. These were not just any prayers ~ these papers definitely came out of the crashed pot... These written prayers were my mother's prayers... NO... these prayers are the prayers she prays ...for me. I started crying. I started boo-hooing like a big baby! Not because I'm sad, but because it just hit me ~ she has prayed me through some very difficult times. Because it hit me ~ she is still praying these prayers for me today.

The first one reads, "My prayer for you is: That God will lead you and protect you. MOM".

The next, "I pray that you will give God the glory in all things and you will come out victorious".

Another ~ "My prayer for you is: (Health) Beloved, I wish above all things that you mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth. III John 2"

I began to weep... "I pray that God will send someone your way to love you and Natalie like you have never known!"

At this point, tears were rolling... "My Prayer for you is: That God will supply all your needs & keep you from harm. MOM"

"I pray that you will teach your children about the ways of God!" ~ I'm trying momma... I really am.

"My prayer for you is that Dad and I have instilled in you the love of God!" ~ thank you for doing this! He is an incredible God!

"My prayer for you is: (Fear) God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7" ~ Yes!

"My prayer for you is: That God will heal the broken heart. MOM" ~ wow, momma! He's still working on this one with me. It's been hard, but I'm doing good.

"My prayer for you is: Psalm 91:1 If we dwell in the secret place of the most High we shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. This is a great chapter to stand on when we are going through trials." ~ This is a great chapter to stand on every day! I pray He continues to show me mercy... I have found joy in His shadows.

"I pray God will give you joy and laughter." ~ It's time to rejoice!

The last one couldn't have come at a better time. And although my mother typed a grammar mistake it reads absolutely perfect! I read it through my tears, "I know things are tough right now but God is our piece & our refuge. Love, MOM". Things have been tough. I know God is my peace. I know God is my refuge! He is our "state of tranquillity or quiet" as Webster defines it. And just as my mom typed it... He is also my piece, "as part of a whole." He is the piece who makes me complete ~ who makes me whole. Without Him, I am nothing.

Though I'm saddened I have lost my prayer jar, I will still have the memories of the sweet, sweet prayers my mother typed for me. By this jar breaking, it reminded me that indeed, someone is praying for me. Thank you, Mom and Dad ~ for instilling in me the piece I need to make it through any situation. It is through His grace and mercy I am where I am today.

Now, before I grab a broom and dustpan and pick up all of the pieces off the floor, I want to say, mom and dad, "My prayer for you is:"

May you both find peace in knowing you have instilled in me the loving God you serve is also the precious, loving God I too serve; And together we can share the joy that only comes from having our piece of God!

a day in June

2009-07-24T11:05:00.002-05:00

I recently ran to the local grocery store to pick up milk. My dad was in town and I knew we would need some breakfast goodies for the next morning and with the long hours at work that week I wasn’t able to make it to the grocery store. So... I'm standing in line with my gallon of milk, a platter of sausage patties, a box of Natalie's favorite "honey bunches" (of oats) cereal and two cans of Grands flaky biscuits. Natalie and Dad both love biscuits and gravy so I thought I would surprise them with a nice little breakfast in the morning.

So, I'm standing in line. There's one checker ~ which I'm not complaining... it is 11pm and the people in front of me are there for only for a few items as myself. But I'm watching the checkout lady. Her name badge reads "June B." That struck me as familiar since Natalie and I have been reading through the Barbara Park's series of "Junie B. Jones" books the last couple of months.

June, the cashier, is probably about my age, but seems like life hasn't been quite as easy for her. Her teeth are a bit aged and may be a sign of a few bad choices in her life, but what caught my attention is her interaction with the customer. I'm standing there watching her smile and how she easily, with grace, encourages the lady in line. Two customers in front of me, June carries on conversation as though this customer was the most important thing in June's job. The customer walked off with a smile and June still in her pleasant demeanor waved her goodbye with the words "have a great night."

At that moment, her attention immediately shifted to the lady in front of me in the checkout with the question "how are you doing tonight?" Her customer service attitude still gleamed and now the comfort and well being of the customer in front of me became the most important part of June B's job. The customer was telling her about her day, but talking softly so I didn't catch all. June courteously reminded the customer not to forget her bag of ice on her way out.

Then it was my turn. There was no one was behind me. Natalie had stayed at the house with Paw as I made my quick dash to pick up my few breakfast items. June commented on my items and in a round about way complimented me by being prepared for the morning. I made a little comment to down play the "compliment" saying something to the effect... "oh, I should have gone last night, but I've been working too much and haven't found time." I suppose I was looking for a little sympathy... She again complimented me ... and I think the conversation went a little like this:

June: Hi

Me: Hi

June: How are you?

Me: I'm good.

June: Well, this is great that you're preparing for morning.

Me: oh, thanks ~ I should have gone last night, but I was working too late and didn't have time to get to the store... thought I would surprise the little one with biscuit and sausage in the morning... now i just have to get up and fix it in the morning.

June: then you could say, 'oh, honeyyyy.... I'm tired, I picked up breakfast... why don't you...

I stopped her in her tracks while both of us smiling at her cute come back and replied, "Oh, I'm a single mom."

...now what kind of response is that? As soon as I heard myself say that, I suddenly thought to myself ~ are fishing for a compliment? or sympathy? That was pathetic.

Now... her comeback was better than my sympathetic sarcasm. She jokingly said with a smile, "you're lucky!" Her come-back stopped me in my tracks! She didn't buy into my sympathetic behavior at all... I laughed all the way to the car, but it made me think. …thank you June!

I’m “lucky?” Maybe more along the lines of “blessed”… Life didn’t turn out how “I” thought it would, but this “life” isn’t mine to plan. God is molding me and making me something stronger than I could ever dreamed of being. If I’m patient and willing to listen to God’s voice, my path becomes His. I humbly accept the servant role that He commands of me. I’m not perfect… nor does He expect that of me. I know that it is my failures that make my faith stronger and my failures that keep me running back to Him.

I have been working long days... 17 and 19 hour days and I'm not the happiest camper in the park right now. I've been in the middle of meltdowns a couple of times this week. But my experience with June... was one of the most joyful experiences I have had in a while.

I don’t know if June realizes what she does. Nor do I know if she realizes she touched my life. I don’t know if June knows God’s love, but I do know her compassion for others bring me joy. June wouldn’t let me bring myself down… instead of she added a smile to my long day.

Lord, thank you for June. I ask you to touch her life in a way that she knows it comes from You. Continue to put a song in her heart and a smile on her face so that she blesses more people. Help me to be more compassionate towards people especially those whom I have an opportunity to make a lasting impression. There are pressures of life that bring me down constantly, but Lord, you gave me your yoke; your lighter load and even with that, you offer to carry it for me too. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your grace and mercy. I praise you for you are so worthy of all praise. In your son’s precious name.

pursue

2009-07-23T16:35:00.002-05:00

I am blessed to be raised in a household of praying parents.

A while back my parents brought to my attention that there are times I, as Natalie's mother, do too much for Natalie ~ and planted a nibble in me that she needs to be more responsible with chores and morning routine. Out of that, I have seen Natalie's independence blossom. I find areas in her life that she is asking less of me and my help. Part of me still wants to do those things for her, but more of me understands the learning and growing experience that she needs to obtain from me backing off on some of her chores and hold her more accountable. My sister kept her for about two weeks a while back and I remember her telling me of an incident where her husband looked at my sister and said, "I'm sure Suzanne doesn't do every little thing for Natalie; relax and let Natalie figure a few things out on her own."

There are stages of life when we do things for our children that they cannot do for themselves. Out of love we don't stop doing those things, but we teach them how to do those things for themselves. In a round about way, I'm responsible to let Natalie succeed (or fail) on her own. Should she succeed, she grows, but should she fail, she also grows.

Just today I read an insert on a magazine I receive in the mail. This little story about a father and daughter fishing brought back memories of fishing with my dad and recent memories of Natalie fishing at the creek. The story was about the little girl praying for God to help her catch a fish. The father was hesitant to ask God for help... felt like his daughter was putting God on trial and knowing there has been times in his life such prayers or requests have not been answered. He didn't want to set false hope in his daughter. What if God thought this request was one not as important as others and decided not to answer it at this moment ~ thus setting false hope. But before he could explain to his daughter, she launched her prayer, "Jesus, please help me get a fish. Amen."

I feel the same way this father felt sometimes with Natalie... is that want or need really grant a prayer or request from God? What if He doesn't feel this as important as what Natalie does?

As a parent I want Natalie to grow in God and walk right next to Him. I feel it is my responsibility to pull that relationship together. The end of this story opened my eyes to the responsibility of motherhood. Needless to say, the little girl caught a fish. Several things here stand out to me... One being ~ there is no request or conversation "too big" for God. Although I may not justify all requests, God still looks and knows the desires of our heart and uses these to draw us closer to Him.

I cannot can pull Natalie closer to God. Today I have learned God pursues Natalie. He has a way of showing her His indescribable grace... by wooing her heart... by answering the little requests she launches ...in His own special way. It seems I have been trying to say and do all the right things in showing her the importance of a relationship with God; the walk; the talk... when it isn't my doing at all. I can and will continue to do all those things. Ultimately it is only our heavenly Father who will teach her to trust Him and grow her faith in His own special way just as He has done for me.

I'm so excited to see the life God has planned for Natalie and how she already has began a relationship with Him. But am more energized to see Natalie being pursued by my gracious, tender, child-loving God.

yoke

2009-07-20T12:47:00.001-05:00

Matthew 11: 28-30 28Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

We all have seasons in our life when we are tired... physically & more importantly spiritually.

Lately I see myself walking around with a wooden bar or frame on my shoulders much like an oxen... how easily I am defeated! Now, on this bar it reads: work, family, bills, responsibilities, worry, stress... all sitting heavily on the back of my neck. ...no wonder I am tired.

We all carry around some type of pressure, and it's easy to allow those pressures to take us down physically and spiritually.

Christ offered something different; something less burdensome, less heavy, less straining to what the Pharisees were accustomed to in that time.

Francis Chan, the author of "Crazy Love," describes "stress" and "worry" perfectly. He says, "STRESS says that things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control." He says, "WORRY implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives."

Still today, Christ offers such a sweet, gentle invite for each of us to take His yoke, for His yoke is easy and His burden is so much lighter than the pressures of the world. I'm so glad that Christ still offers this to me today. I know I can't carry all of this on my own.

the usual

2009-07-13T11:56:00.004-05:00

The other day Natalie and I decided on McDonald's for dinner. Since I have been requiring her to put in as many hours as I have at work, I thought she could use a little break and a deserving treat. I wouldn't say that McDonald's is her favorite fast food restaurant, but I would say that eating in the dinning area of McDonald's seems to be a huge treat to her. We don't have a play area at our Micky-Dee's, nor is there anything "wonderful" about the inside of the greasy joint, but for some reason, it's a treat to her. Maybe it's because she picks the table, brings the ketchup, straws, napkins and items to the table... Or maybe it's just sitting across the table with my undivided attention... whatever the cause, it's just not the same when we bring the food home in a bag.

Anyway, we head to our local dive, pull into the parking space and I ask... "so have you thought about what you're going to order for dinner?" She responds with "I'll just have the usual." Her 'usual' consists of one cheeseburger, plain happy meal with fries and white milk, a four piece chicken nugget, sometimes a side of apple dippers and a vanilla cone to top it off.

For some reason when she said, "the usual," it struck me from a religious aspect. Webster defines usual as "a habit; ordinarily used or course of events." I know 'the usual' is a comfort zone... something I'm typically routinely doing ~ even in my relationship with God.

How is it that the God I serve is completely unchanging from every aspect, never falls in the category of "the usual"? His mercies are new every morning... His blessings are unending from every aspect. Every day He shows me in a new way how He loves and cares for me by supplying my needs. Lamentations 3:22-25, after wondering how much more torment could go on, they still state that "The Lord's compassions never fail. They are new every morning. The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. 25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him..."

When Natalie said "I'll have the usual," my thoughts focused toward God and I apologized for the times when I only give Him "the usual." My relationship with the indescribable merciful God should be anything but usual... He should be my every breath, thought and movement. He gives me more than I can imagine and ~ I in return should give Him my everything.

Sunday, we talked about the action of fasting and how fasting was a part of the cultural in biblical times and typically people would fast on the Sabbath and in the middle of the week. Fasting was just one way of worshipping God. I've heard people use fasting in a way to get something or waiting for God to answer a prayer ~ in fact, I've done that myself. Many places in the bible, fasting is clearly stated as an act to show your love towards God expecting nothing in return ~ another way of worship. It's a sacrificial act just as Jesus did for me ~ which is nothing in the realm of what I consider "usual" today.

I love God and want to find new ways to express my love to God. I don't want to be stuck in "the usual." I want to give Him all I have... not just the usual.

Lord, thank you for this beautiful day! The sun is shining and I feel your warmth on my skin. Thank you for not being just the usual God... thank you for being the indescribable, exceptional, merciful, lovable God! I worship You for You give me the strength, peace, comfort and love that could only come from You! I pray for you protective hand to be on my family this week. Touch them in a way only You can. I humbly give You the praise and glory for I know there are times I don't deserve to be in Your presence! In your precious son, Jesus' name.

glorious freedom!

2009-07-08T01:42:00.003-05:00

I'm standing on Romans 8 today! I'm proclaiming Freedom in everything! Rebuking the bonds that tie and the chains that keep us down. For if God is on my side, His Spirit lives in me and there is absolutely nothing that can be against me nor can separate me from His love!

Romans 8 ~ ¹Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ²because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. ³For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, ⁴in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.

⁵Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. ⁶The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; ⁷the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. ⁸Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.

⁹You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. ¹⁰But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. ¹¹And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

¹²Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it.¹³For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, ¹⁴because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. ¹⁵For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." ¹⁶The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. ¹⁷Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. 26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ³⁰And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

³¹What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³²He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶As it is written:"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." ³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

WOW! Freedom! I need it!

Lord, Today I am proclaiming FREEDOM and I claim it! I'm asking You to lift the chains, unlock the barrier for me and my family. You are more than on my side ~ You are the Spirit that lives in me! Use me for Your glory! There is absolutely nothing that can separate me from Your incredible, undying love in Christ Jesus! If You are on my side ~ then who can be against me? You predestined, You called, You justified & You glorified me because I am Yours! You are an incredible merciful God and it is my daily honored reward just to be in your presence! In Your precious son, Jesus' name.

purge your conscience

2009-06-29T16:25:00.004-05:00

Hebrews 9:14 ~ is what I read in my hand writing on the edge of a piece of paper. I think I remember writing that reference down in church, but I don't recall why.... so I looked up Hebrews 9:14.

"How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?" Hebrew 9:14

Wow!

I'm reading a book called Releasing the Rivers Within by Dwight Edwards. It's pretty powerful. In fact, as I'm reading, I'm finding myself going back every few paragraphs and reading it again just to be sure that was what I just read. There is affirmation going on... Edwards talks briefly about fear, then a stirring, bearing different fruit, strong roots and I just read about giving up the easy road and go where Christ went. Jesus was in the streets, in the crowds, with the sick, healing, touching mingling with the lepers. I see as a Christian how easy it is to be intertwined in a world of what might be called "safe and easy." In this safe bubble... I would think that I primarily have friends who call themselves "Christians". It hits me... how do I reach the lost and share God's word if all my acquaintances and friends already know of the God I love?

In this book, Edwards says, "An inevitable part of the life of Christ flowing out through us will be fishing for men and seeking the lost." ...fishing for men... hhmmm ~ I've been hearing this quite a bit.

This morning I read a friends blog who talked about trees extending up praise and how it is the roots that give strength. It made me smile! So I'm reading along in my book this afternoon about how God has rooted us and gives us strength... How our branches should not only be intertwined with only other Christians, but stretched out to the world. It is the life of Christ flowing through me... using me to touch the world... not just my world. These are not my doings... this is God working through us.

...Oh, I love it when He does this! It is clear what God wants me to do... purge my conscience of dead works and work for the One who offers eternal life.

Okay, Lord...

how?

lipstick

2009-06-27T22:02:00.002-05:00

Several months ago, I began this blog site thinking that lipstick was the start and ending of each day... Just yesterday I pulled a tube of lip balm out of the damp washing machine... just glad I grabbed it before it reached the dryer! So many things in my life remind me of Natalie. Even when she's not sitting next to me on the sofa, I think about her. When she's at her dads for a weekend, I long for her return. She is somewhat of a lifeline to me ~ she keeps me grounded and in check ~ more than she will ever know. The other night I forgot to give thanks for our meal. She reached out her hand across the table for mine, smiled, bowed her head and waited for me to give grace. :)

The few times in my life when she's not near me, I still think about her. In the same realm, God is near me. It is a consistent conscience effort to acknowledge His presence, but it is becoming more natural. There was an incident today while mowing that I laughed out loud. I was listening to my ipod and found myself praising and worshiping Him. He makes me smile. :)

Just as lipstick, God should be so much a part of my every day. In fact, God should be applied as lipstick... metaphorically speaking. He is the one who should always guard my lips. It's like applying lipstick... apply God ...to my lips. If my heart is longing to be in His presence and be relying on Him, my lips should only speak of the goodness of Him. Some times I'm terrible at this ~ especially at work. It's difficult to not get frustrated and easy to use the tongue of negativity.

Proverbs 21:23 says, He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity (KJV says: keepeth his soul from troubles).

Colossians 3 where it talks about holy living, verse 8 says, but now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

In Hebrews 13:15, Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that confess his name.

I have to remind myself constantly to watch what I say and keep God on the tip of my tongue. I John 4 keeps me and my soul in check :) I am told that I live in him and He lives in me. Why? Because he had given me His Spirit. I'm reassured that if I acknowledge Jesus is the son of God, God lives in me and I live in God. It's easy to keep my lips singing His praises when I remind myself to love my brother... to "live in love because God is love and whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him." I am so glad I am born in love because I know that love comes from God. Oh, that's so refreshing!

Lord, Thank you for the song in my heart. Thank you for the love you give me every day, and how each day you show me You are here. Just as lipstick, protect my lips and guard my tongue to only speak of you. Thank you for holding me, loving me, showing me. You are an incredible God! Thank you for never changing! In your sons' precious name.

fear itself

2009-06-23T17:01:00.006-05:00

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing to fear is fear itself." Whom shall I fear? Over and over I am commanded to “fear not” ~ by Christ, by angels, by God.

Fear has been on my mind a lot lately and for quite some time now. I think that there is definitely fear in many areas of my life. But the things I fear about are really not mine to fear.

So, what do I fear? Fear of failing... failing in my job, failing God, failing as a mother. Fear of letting go. Fear of losing Natalie. I have been working on “letting it go and giving my all.” It seems all my life, I have broken promises to God. I know I have let Him down. I know I've failed Him. I’m reminded of a song by Third Day, “Take it all, ‘cause I can’t take it any longer. All I have I can’t make it on my own; take the first, take the last, take the good and take the rest...”

There are times when I think I'm in the middle of a storm. I would love to think that my valley's are not deep and in reality ~ they are very shallow valleys. God will not give me more than I can handle. What will it take to overcome these fears? In saying the words "God, you can have it all. I turn it all over to you." My gut feeling instantly pulls back and I say to myself "except Natalie ~ she's all I have." I want to turn everything over... but I don't want to give up certain things because I fear loss. Matthew 10:36-38, "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." Do I love Natalie more than I love God? In Mark 12, Jesus said that the widow has put more into the treasury than all of the others although she gave very little. Why did he say that? He says that everyone gave out of their own wealth, but the widow, out of her poverty put everything she had in. She gave him her all ~ everything she had.

I'm also reminded of the story in Genesis 22 when Abraham took Isaac to the alter for sacrifice because God told him to. Abraham was obedient and without hesitation built the altar, laid Isaac on top of the wood and as he reached for the knife to slay his son, an angel of the Lord called out to him and told him to not lay a hand on the boy. "I know you fear God because you have not withheld from me your only son." God was gracious and merciful and because Abraham was obedient. I know God isn't asking me to give up Natalie... nor is that in the plans. But I understand the love I gain from her and I know God wants me to love Him the way I love her. God knows the desires of my heart. With God, when I let go ~ I gain everything!

The antidote for fear is love ~ bottom line. For perfect love casts out fear! I John 4:18 reads, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment..” The enemy, Satan, loves to torment and is the author of all fear. This verse goes on to say, “The one who fears is not made perfect in love." I know love Him, Christ, because He first loved me.

It's hard not to fear. I'm in “waiting” right now. There's something big in the works... I'm letting go, I'm waiting, listening and trying to understand without fearing.

One of Natalie’s favorite songs “I’m letting Go” by Francesca Battistelli speaks what my heart is saying right now. My heart beats, standing on the edge • But my feet have finally left the ledge • Like an acrobat • There’s no turning back • I’m letting go • Of the life I planned for me • And my dreams • I’m losing control • Of my destiny • It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe • So I’m letting go • This is a giant leap of faith • Trusting and trying to embrace • The fear of the unknown • Beyond my comfort zone • Giving in to your gravity • Knowing You are holding me • I’m not afraid • Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe • Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me. It's scary to think that I am not in control of my life, but in the same breath refreshing to know that my life is in the hands of a wonderful, merciful God! From here on out it's not my destiny, Lord; the life I have planned for myself now belongs to You! I do feel like I'm falling and giving in to your gravity! For it is just fear itself that I fear...

Lord, thank you for Natalie ~ she is truly a blessing in my life and is a desire of my heart. Thank you for Your grace and mercy and your patience with me as I journey with You! Thank you for the path you lay ahead and for the helping me overcome my fears. Thank you for your protection over me and my little family. Thank you for your consistency! Your love endures forever! In Jesus' precious name!

middle of living

2009-06-08T23:00:00.002-05:00

"Let it go. It's time... are you ready? I'm waiting. everything..."

I can't stop thinking about Sunday's lesson. Pastor Jay talked about the story of Simon Peter lending his boat to Jesus. Then Jesus telling Peter to go back on the water and cast your nets again. Even though Peter had no success fishing the previous night. He was tired. He was finishing his routine; washing out his nets. As I read the dialog, I'm guessing that he probably had some hesitation, maybe even a little burdened that someone wanted to use his boat. The dialog proves he didn't argue the point to not go back out to sea, but definitely made a point to mentioned to Jesus they had worked all night and still caught nothing (Luke 5:5). Probably a bit under his breath... as though Jesus didn't already know this. But Peter followed Jesus request with no hesitation "because you say so, I will let down my nets." Those are powerful words. Am I willing to surrender and let my nets down?

Can you imagine the feelings that Simon Peter had when he tugged on his nets and could not pull them in by himself because his nets were so full. I wonder if he thought for a split second that maybe his nets had hung up on a limb or rock or something. I know he believe in Jesus. He had already referred to him as Master once on this day before casting his nets. I can imagine there being glee in his heart... like pride while he was pulling his nets... I know I would. I would imagine for a few minutes, he got caught up in the tugging and joy of pulling in the catch.

In verse 8, it states that Peter realizes what has just happened ~ how Jesus has supplied his boats with over flowing fish. Peter falls to his knees... praising Jesus ~ seeing all of the sin in his life. He humbly tells Jesus, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" Peter sees what the Lord has done... another miracle.

Now, I imagine Peter feeling embarrassed and ashamed of his actions ~ first hesitation and probably a little doubt, then it turning into pride. I would imagine Peter was probably thinking to himself... I'm such a fool. Jesus calmly said, "do not be afraid, from this point on, you will be fishers of men."

Simon Peter did not hesitate... It says in verse 11 that they pulled up their boats, and left everything to follow Jesus. They had just hit the jackpot. They were at the peak of their fishing career. Their boats were overflowing. They had plenty ~ enough and then some!

This is exactly what I've been hearing... I'm in a place in life where I have everything I need and most everything I could want. I'm very comfortable where I'm sitting ..good career, good car, a little cozy house, a wonderful family, an amazing daughter... I can say that life is good. ...but I'm hearing... "turn everything over to me. Are you willing to walk away for me?" Now, I'm not saying I hear "walk away from my responsibilities..." I'm hearing "don't just lean on me... let me hold you. I want you to depend solely on me."

Jay put it so clear Sunday (paraphrased) ~ "just because you are comfortable... you are in the middle of life... are you ready to give that up... to fulfill God's purpose?"

Peter wasn't out looking for a journey or career with Jesus. Jesus gave him the opportunity to trust him and Peter did just that. Peter was living life... He was in the middle of a work day... cleaning his nets as routinely I'm sure he had done many times. Just as I am... wrapped up in my every day life of work, chores, etc.

Is God calling me to give it all? Yah, I believe He is... This is only the beginning... there's so much more in store. Right in the middle of living life I see how I am just now starting to live.

Lord, you are an incredible God! Each day you continue to give me more than what I had yesterday. Every day is a new morning, feels like I'm living for the very first time in my life. Your love is more real than anything! I have a feeling in my soul and I pray that I'm not wrong ~ that it is all You! The life that I have now is only the beginning! Lord, use me; send me! Thank you for finding me and realizing that I am not broken beyond repair. You give me breath, you give me everything I have! I cry out to you ~ for you are hope for the hopeless and strength to the weak. Blessed is the name of Jesus! In Christ precious name I praise you!