answer it

Tonight I had the privilege to be used. I had an internal battle for a few minutes, but then I said, "okay, I'll do it!"

Now, I don't hear God's voice. It's not a big man voice coming from the heavens. It's a gentle pull on my conscience and spirit. He uses all of us different, but this is how he uses me. I know it's him when I experience a couple of things. Typically whatever is being asked of me is not something I would normally just go do. When it is understood what's being asked of me, there's usually an internal battle I have with myself. There's been times I fight it and other times I've flat out ignored it. And then there are times I answer it.

So, tonight, I'm outside working in the yard. I had already trimmed my yard, front and back. I typically start mowing in the back and finish in the front, but tonight was different. For some odd reason, I wanted to start in the front. After trimming, I mowed the side... worked my way to the front. Within only a few lines left to mow, I happen to look up and see an elderly man tugging a suitcase out of the trunk of his car. I've seen him and his wife a few times. They are here visiting their daughter who lives on the other side of the street from me. I don't know their names, but I believe she has a disability. Her parents are probably in their 70s or 80s as he is walking with a cane.

So here I am mowing... I stop, walk down the street and casually ask, "is that the only bag you have?" He stopped in the driveway with his cane and red suitcase.

He said, "No. There's a couple of jackets and another bag..." As I walked closer, I could see the items along with two gallon ziploc bags of all kinds of medications. With ease, I grabbed up the items, closed the trunk and walked over to the man who had not even made it half way to the front door yet. I took the suitcase from his hands and followed him up the steps.

"You have your hands full now," he said.

"Yes, sir... glad I could help," I smiled as I laid all the items inside the door. I was thinking I sure hope someone is helping out my parents when they need it since I live this far away.

I walked back to my yard and finished mowing the small patch. God was tugging on my heart. The old man wasn't what caught my attention in the first place. In fact, I had been looking at this lady's yard all evening. Every strip I mowed and faced her house, I saw her yard and how the crab-grass was about three feet tall.

A few months ago, my next door neighbor blessed me by mowing my back yard. One morning I had gotten up and looked out and realized someone had mowed my lawn. No note, no call and no bill. I was ever grateful and finally after a few days realized who had done it and told him how blessed I felt. The day he had mowed was the day I had spent in Tulsa with my family at the hospital. Dad was having a new pacemaker and there was just a lot of things going on at that time and mowing wasn't at the top of my priorities. It wasn't out of control grass, I just hadn't found the time to mow.

I looked up at my neighbors yard again.

"Go mow her yard."

"Oh, man, I'm tired and I still need to mow the back."

"Go mow her yard."

"Augh... then, she might want me to mow her back yard too."

"Go mow her yard."

"But it's getting dark soon and I won't have time to finish mowing the back and I won't have time this next week to mow. I'm going to mom and dads tomorrow; get home probably too late on Monday. Tuesday, Natalie starts soccer..." I go through the whole week and see that it's going to be Thursday before I have a chance to mow and realize by then it's going to be so tall...

"Go mow her...."

"Okay, okay... I got it. I'll mow, but Lord ~ please... let her have a small backyard. please?"

I grabbed some gas from the shed, filled up and push my mower down the street to this lady's house and begin to mow. As I was mowing her front yard i saw that her backyard was already mowed. I started laughing ~ I'm serious! "Thanks, God! for the "small backyard" request!"

I was laughing and shaking my head. I'm about half way through the yard before the lady came out with a smile on her face and the way she was holding her arm and walking with a limp, I could tell at some point she had had a stroke. She was thankful and warned me of an extension cord in the yard. Then she told me that her mother had mowed most of the back yard, but that she shouldn't be out there mowing and asked if I would mind finishing it up. I told her that it was no problem ~ that I would take care of it. ...she was grateful.

I laughed to myself again. Her backyard was huge ~ about the size of mine if not bigger. Her fence backed up to an old church building and their field. But the area that needed to be mowed was very small. Her mother had mowed the majority of it already. "Thanks, God, for the little backyard," I said as I wrapped up the ten minutes of mowing in the backyard. As I was walking away I could see there were still a lot of trimming that needed to be done.

"Now trim."

"But.. you said just mow."

"When you mow your yard, do you use the weed eater?"

"Yes."

"Then mow it like it's your yard."

"Augh, okay."

So, I trekked back to the house, put the mower in the backyard; grabbed the weed eater line and went to trimming.

I got home just as it was getting dark. Needless to say that my backyard is not mowed, but when I looked at the back, it seemed like it wasn't as tall as the front yard before I began. It can wait until Thursday.

Now, I'm telling you this story not because I want a pat on the back nor an "atta-girl". I'm sharing this story because I'm so tickled that God used me and blessed me. I don't have money nor riches, but when I saw my neighbor tonight I realized that God has blessed me with something today that they do not have; strength.

There have been times that I ignore this tug. But, you know what? God doesn't punish me for not responding. Oh, but when I do answer it, he blesses me with a peaceful satisfaction.

Lord, thank you for giving me strength to answer your request. Thank you for using me and tugging at my spirit. Use the situation tonight to be a light to my neighbor. I don't know her situation, but allow her to associate my efforts as a blessing from You today! Thank you for all you've done for me. In Jesus precious name.

dose of joy

I chatted with my mom last night for over an hour on instant messenger. She's so sneaky ~ I thought she was dad. They have their own individual languages. 

When I see them logged in (they share a user name), nine times outta ten it's dad and i say, "hi daddy!" His response is usually, "hi baby." If it's my mom, she usually types, "Hi Suzanne." 

I typed my typical introduction, "hi daddy." She typed "Hey Babe." (I should have known... she used upper and lower case). When daddy and I type-chat, we use lower case... it's just easier. 

So, I started to ask him, "how are you feeling today?" but I already knew his typical response would have been, "with my fingers. how do you feel?" I thought I'd throw him off track a little and ask if he was able to eat anything today since he has been having some problems the last couple of days. She couldn't take her joke too long ~ she caved. "Believe it or not its MOM," she typed; "I was just pulling your chain." Even from two hours driving distance away, I could hear her little giggle as she thought she had pulled a good one over on me. ...sneaky woman! We chatted about a few things and how she broke her toe yesterday (ouch) and that she was getting ready for bed... over an hour later, we finally said goodnight. 

I chatted to her about the different things that have been on my heart lately. One being my interpretation of joy. Ecclesiastes 3 states there's a time for everything... I like this chapter a lot. It sure makes sense on a lot of life situations. God pretty much lists out that there's is a time for whatever I may possibly think about going through in my life. Yes, there's a time to be born, to die, to heal, to kill, to tear down, to build up, to laugh, to weep, to mourn to dance, to scatter, to gather, time to embrace, to refrain, to search, to give up, to keep, to throw away, tear, to mend, to love... you get the picture. There is really not a whole lot more ~ our lives are going to pass along one of these times at some point. With all these different times coming and going, there is a consistency. There is joy in the midst. 

In 1 Thessalonians 5:16 it reads simply, "be joyful always." That's it. Be joyful. The next verse, "pray continually." Joy, pray.

No matter what I go through, there is joy. It's mine. 

I can still hear mom giggling in my mind. She said we had the sleepy sillies. Little did she know I was up writing this blog. :)

So, Let me try to explain how I see joy from a different angle. Joy is typically associated with an emotion or physical expression; such as an outage for happiness. But sometimes I find that joy is not always a feeling; nor an emotion. Now, don't get me wrong... I've been abundantly happy but also there have been times I've been terribly sad. I know joy can come along with happiness and to grasp on to the offering God gives us there is contentment in Him knowing that he is in control. I can still have joy in the sad times too.  

Joy is listed in Galatians 5:22 as fruit of the spirit along with love, peace, patience, goodness, kindness and faithfulness. On Wednesday nights, we're studying the book of Philippians and how Paul still finds joy in some very difficult times. He talks in the first chapter about how he is in chains for Christ, but because of his suffering, others have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly. 1 Peter 1:8, "...joy unspeakable and full of glory..." 

Think of joy as low bearing fruit. God offers it to me anytime, anywhere, for any occasion. It's just there. I just have to take it ~ like fruit. Oh, and is it ever sweet! In everything we should find joy. It's kind of like contentment without settling. It's not so much that "I feel this, or I feel that" ~ but that there's a safe, quiet peace that puts a smile on my face. It's one of God's gift to me.

Joy also comes with a dose of peace, and a splash of love. It comes with the faith of knowing that God is here and dwelling among us, protecting me. It's like Paul said, knowing I'm alive with Him, but even if death takes me ~ I'm even more alive with Him. It's a "win-win" situation. It's not just a "lack of tears." There may be occasions I'm going to cry in joyous times. Joy is mine ~ just like love, it's there. 

Take it. It's yours. If you don't ~ it's still there just waiting on you. Then if you need a little more ~ a new dose will be there as the sun comes up along with your mercy and grace and love. It takes faith knowing it's there for us to accept ~ so pull up a chair and let's embrace it. Let's partake ~ however you want... sip it, slurp it, eat it with a fork ~ however you want it, enjoy your dose of joy! I prefer mine with a cup of coffee. :) 

"We just have to accept it." Nicely said, mom. :)

Lord, you are my strength. Just as the sweetness of ripe fruit, I receive your sweet, sweet joy, wrapped up with unconditional love and perfect peace. I'm especially thankful for my mom today. When you created her, you knew she would be my mom ~ hand picked for me... and I am ever grateful! Thank you for her strength for I know she too relies on you. Lord, I pray a special blessing to whoever is reading this today. Give them an abundance of joy; wrap it up in your amazing love and cover it with your comforting peace. Lord, let me be your waitress and help serve your goodness to them. Help me to let them know, just as Paul conveyed in Philippians, no matter the situation, no matter the pain; You are still the one who gives this amazing love. Graciously and joyously You have already picked up our bill! You still amaze me! In Jesus precious name.

ask, seek and knock real loud

Natalie told me we needed a "door ringer thingy. You know, mom... to put on the front door. We don't have one of those." 

"Uh, a doorbell?"

"Yah! That's what they call it," she confirmed.

I giggled as I knew what she was thinking and talking about, but I let her try to figure it out.  I was thinking about this conversation I had with her as we pulled out of the church parking lot tonight on our way home. Some reason it struck me as odd ~ out of the blue. Why would she be thinking about a doorbell?

Anyway... I'm preparing for bed and I keep hearing a song play in my head. "Ask and seek and knock real loud, that's what faith is all about. Situations turning 'round and I know you'll start believing, asking and receiving." I think it's from an old Accappella CD. 

(Mom, remember our chat? We talked about this ~ believe ...I told you I hadn't quite figured it out at the time, but I knew there was something there.)

The doorbell. No, we don't have a doorbell, but then again our house is just a small, two bedroom, cozy house. As you walk through the house, with hard wood floors everyone in the house knows someone is moving about. When you come to visit, you just have to knock. Sometimes you have to knock real loud. 

God tells us to believe. Matthew 7:7, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." 

I have recently been reunited with a friend from high school via the Internet. I can call her friend now, but about twenty years ago, I'm pretty sure I would not have consider her a friend. We both feel that way. But today, I'm so blessed to hear her story how she found Jesus five years ago. Hearing the pain she went through while we were in high school broke my heart. She was in a dark place back then. She was very rough around the edge. Now, understanding what she went through, she had every reason to be the way she was. Sometimes I take things for granted, her childhood was very different than mine. Her mother was not active in her life as mine was. 

I think back in high school. We resonated on separate sides of the hall. She was part of the "rough crowd." I was part of the "too good for you" crowd. We were different. 

I asked for her forgiveness. She was dumbfounded. I asked her to forgive me for giving up on her. I should have at least prayed. I should have tried to witness. Instead, I shamefully turned my back on her and others. No, I'm not proud of it, but that's what I did then. I'm not sure even at the time if I would have been strong enough to stand up to her anyway. 

She was so sweet. She reassured me that there was nothing I could have done to change who she was back then... that it took all that to get where she is today. She believes in the merciful, powerful, amazingly loving God I do! 

Everyones walk is different. Every "knock" is different. How we get to God is all different. God hears all of us, but just as seeds planted near the pathway, they are watered by cracked pots and eventually grow into beautiful flowers. When we do knock, sometimes softly... sometimes we knock real loud, He is faithful to open His arms and invite us in. 

As the song plays in my head, "ask and seek and knock real loud..." I'm so glad we have the opportunity to knock on God's door. I'm so glad that he embraces us no matter the circumstance. I'm so glad He is ever faithful and answered my friends knock.  

Oooh, I have an idea....maybe we can ask for mansions near each other. Mansions? Oh yah! My God has gone to prepare a place for us! Hey... come on over... be sure and knock real loud! ...I don't have a doorbell. 

mold me with fresh grace

Yesterday I heard Natalie say, "oh, I'm stupid." 

Immediately I took her defense. "Don't say that, Natalie. You are not stupid. You are very intelligent and bright. Why would you say that?"

She started back paddling and could see that she didn't really mean it and was quoting something she saw on TV. 

Today, I listened to an incredible video that reassured what I have been battling inside. It starts out talking about Ephesians 2:10. This is where it hit home. I have been beating myself up the last couple of months because I can’t seem to get ahead of the ball. I throw that term out lightly, but it’s bounced from work to financials to physical strength to just about every area of my life. Here in Ephesians I'm told that I am his workmanship... created in Jesus. "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." 

I look at Natalie and see a beautiful creation of God. She’s sweet, charming and beautiful. People sing her praises for the kindness she shows and her intelligence. I clearly see that God has created a masterpiece!

When I got up this morning it was still dark. I opened the doors and windows to let the cool air in. I prepared Natalie's lunch and fed the cat before I took a good long look in the mirror ~ what did I see?

I saw me.  

I also saw an overweight, 30 something, single, broken woman who needs a haircut and a color to cover the grey. I am ashamed of what I see. I don't like the body that I'm in ~ I want the weight to fall off. I don't like the decisions I have made. I don't like the financial situation I am in. Ultimately, I saw me.  "I am stupid," is what I see... is what I hear.

It’s in the lowly, tired, lonely times that I tend to scream out to him. The work is not done. Every day there are more chips flying as he chisels ~ taking out all the things that do not pertain to him. The things that are dead weight...anger, pride, comparison of others instead of him, problem with lust, laziness, pretending to be too busy for God, vainly going to church, but not coming to me... God is not into playing games. He doesn't want me to just have him play God over certain areas of my life, but instead he wants to BE God in my life! He wants to be in every detail.

As I looked into the mirror I whispered, “God, how have I lost your love? How can I make you love me more? I know, I’ll sign up for another thing at church or take on that challenging project at work. I’ll keep fighting the fight…”

Just as I have heard time after time over the last couple of months… God says, "Stop! LET GO! Sit still and listen to me, this may even hurt. Listen, when you said, “Yes” to me… I never promised it would be easy."

My argument is, "but, God, I know I said “yes,” but in so many ways, I have let you down.”

God says, “No! You haven’t been holding me up! Let me have my way.”

Tearfully I plea, “If I let you have your way, you’re going to see the real me and you're not going to like what you find in me. Oh, Lord, it’s best if you don’t. Oh, please, be prepared of what you see... I'm scared. I’m ashamed. Be prepared for what you find in there, Lord. I'm sorry... I'm really scared that you won't like what you see. Oh, this hurts. There are areas in here that you are not fully invited. Oh, Lord, I know you think I'm stupid for some of the things you see in there. You’ll see I'm lazy. You might see that I'm prideful ~ that I try to do things on my own. You’ll see, Lord, that I’m stupid." 

God says, "Suzanne, you are beautiful!”

I cry, “Oh, Lord, I am not. I’m a mess! I'm not a good person.”

God laughs, “Suzanne, I don't make junk! You are beautiful! I am so madly in love with you! I want to romance you! I want to dance with you just as David dances. I want to give you all I have ~ my joy, my peace, my love. YOU are my masterpiece. Suzanne, You are my ORIGINAL Masterpiece. It’s in you I find favor! You bring me joy!" 

“Really? Me? I am a masterpiece. No… Lord, you must have me confused with someone else. Really?”

God replies, “How beautiful are those who bring good news! Now, get out there and let my glory shine!”

WOW! With the same tools he molds my beautiful Natalie... he molds me ~ chiseling me into what he wants me to be... a masterpiece. Oh, it hurts and it’s not an easy road and over and over I try to take control... I’m insane to think that I fall into the emptiness of trying to do things myself and expect different results. 

There is nothing I can do to pull me away from God’s love and grace. There is nothing more I can do to gain more of God’s love and grace. I cannot gain more of his love. Let me say that again... There is NOTHING I can do to gain more of God's love and grace and there is NOTHING that I can do that will pull me away from God's love and grace ~ nothing. It's there. 

I can only accept it.

And when I accept it… He has made me his masterpiece. Its through obedience that I grow into what he would have me become. When I look in the mirror I want to see him. I want him to use me and allow me to do his great things! He loves me too much to leave me beating myself up. But it is up to me to take the steps he has laid out for me. 

As the video showed me this morning, “I am God's original masterpiece. God does not make junk. You are an original masterpiece!” It’s so great to hear that the Lord loves us.

In Lamentations 3:22-24 I’m told that because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is his faithfulness! The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. I love The Message version. It reads, “God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left.” Wow! Isn’t it wonderful to know that God offers the same love and mercy and grace to me daily? And from day to day, it never changes nor dries up! This is what I have been hearing lately.

Accept his fresh grace.  It’s enough EVERY single day to get me through the day… and to top it all off, he offers me his unconditional love.

Lord, Today I’m releasing it all. I cannot continue to hold on to these things. I cannot continue to do it on my own.  I want to be your masterpiece. Please do what you need to do to make me all you want me to be. Mold me, shape me, work on me until you are satisfied with what you have done; then in me, shine through me so that all may see your glory. Continue to chisel out the things that are just taking up residence and do no good. For it is you I want to shine in me. When I look in the mirror, I want to see you.

keep me out

Lord, take me where you want me to go;

Let me meet who you want me to meet,

Tell me what you want me to say,

And then... keep me out of the way.

Couldn't have said any better than that. Thank you, Dwight Edwards.

move my feet

"Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet."  I read this somewhere and it hit home.

Every day I ask for God's direction, understanding and vision for what He has for me. But some days, I not sure I'm really willing to take that next move to let him use me, to direct me or help me to understand exactly His will for my life. It's one thing to ask, but another to actually move to the call.

Several times this last week, I have found myself in a situation where I need to die. Not in a physical way ~ in a mental, fleshly way. My fleshly desires want to take over and take charge of my every move, my step... and ultimately my mind.  As simple as it is... I lose track. I lose focus on the ultimate goal. The path looks foggy, disturbed and I not sure what lies in wait for me up ahead. I can't see clearly, the things I should be doing. And can't see what lies in wait for my passing. I begin to doubt what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I need... Ultimately I begin to fear. I begin to retreat back to my comfort zone, less striving, less attentive to God's voice. Although I consistently asked God to lead me.

But, what good is it if I'm not willing to go and do what is needed of me ~ if I'm not willing to move my feet?

The other night, Natalie in tears crawled in bed with me. As a mother, I comforted her in my arms and asked what was going on. She responded simply, "I'm scared." She had a nightmare that was detailed and too real in her mind. She said she couldn't stop thinking about it and it just scared her so much. I wrapped my arms around her, held her tight and told her to think about her favorite cartoon. It became relevant to me at that point... I'm scared too.  And probably too much to do with where my focus is right now. It's in my Father's arms where I feel most comforted.  From the time I was a kid in Missionettes, I constantly reflect back to Philippians 4:8, whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, good report, think of these things. 

When I think about these things, my feet want to move. I want to make an impact in the world, in my own, quiet way. God gives me choices. ...some times I wished He didn't, but He does. He gives me the choice to let him guide my steps or try to make it on my own.  I don't want to be in my comfort zone... I want to stay hungry... I want to seek God to feed my soul. I want to seek God to move my feet. 

Romans 10:14-15 reads: How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15 And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"

Lord, take control of my feet... help me to get up and move to your calling, to be a servant to fulfill your need, your will. Use me for your glory, for your kingdom. I'm reminded of a prayer by Chuck Oodegard at church: "Lord, give me eyes to see the world as you see it. Lord, give me ears to hear the world as you hear it. Lord, break my heart with the things that break your heart. Lord let me serve you in the joy that only you can give." In Jesus precious name.

parental love

God loves me. I don't think I really knew how that statement was true until the experience of raising Natalie. As a parent, I can't imagine my child ever doing anything to me, against me that would cut the ties of love I have for her. Even imagining her as adult and making choices of her own that would change her life for good or bad ~ I still can't imagine not loving her. Nor can I think of anything that I wouldn't do to show her my parental love. It's unconditional. It's indescribable. It's parental love.

God, in the same sense, has called me as his own child. He has no grandchildren, no aunts, no uncles, no step children... He has children and I am His child.  When I obey Him I am rewarded; I am blessed. When I do not obey ~ guess what? He still loves me so very much. So much more than I can ever imagine. It is a parental, patient, forgiving, unconditional, unfailing, trusting, hoping, protecting love as in I Corinthians 13.

The blood of Christ shouts once and for all on behalf of the Father, "I love you! There's nothing bad you can do to make Me love you less, and nothing good you can do to make Me love you more–it's impossible to love you more than I already do and always will." from Releasing the Rivers Within by Dwight Edwards.

God does not punish me for my sins... sin is, in itself, punishment ~ sin devours me from the inside. It is not God's purpose to punish me for it, but He receives joy when He has cured me from it. I cannot gain God's love. No matter what I do (or don't do, for that matter) I cannot gain more love from God. He loves me ~ He truly loves me. No matter what mess I get myself in... no matter what steps I have taken. God is what He is... no matter how I've preconceived notions and ideas in my mind. I only need to accept what it is; what He is ~ Love.