set back

Well, I made it... I am right now sitting here in my Hong Kong hotel room, on the other side of earth from everything I call "normal."  For Natalie, it's almost eight o'clock Saturday morning, but where I am sitting, it is past time for bed. There were many tasks that I needed to do the evening before I took flight. I made arrangements to have a new mattress and box springs delivered for Natalie's bed before heading out. Long story short, I had some set backs, both physically and spiritually.  I faced my "giant loss" that I had missed square in the eyes Thursday night.  Everything that I had worked so hard to let go of, surfaced and my emotions became too overwhelming to control the tears.  No, my loss is not back, but I feel like I had a spiritual set back. My courage turned into cowardliness.

I wanted so much to be back in my comfort zone and was grieving so much I began to weep.  I kept asking myself: how do I continually pick myself up and keep going?  How do I control the spiritual to over power the flesh? I think I just answered my own question.  "I" cannot but God can.  "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13

I'm reading a book called "Crazy Love." I think this book was written for me and my journey right now. Francis Chan, the author, walks you through different processes of simply denying yourself. As I was reading through this, there is so much of what I have been seeing, hearing and looking for in a relationship with God this last year.  He talks about the crazy love that God gives me even though I know I don't deserve to be loved.  He also talks about his journey being fearful of God ~ which is what I have done many times to the point of not communicating with God.  

Chan also talks about worry and stress. I believe he has some great points. If my trust and faith is in God, I should not worry. I am reminded many times in Matthew not to worry: about clothes, about food, about what tomorrow holds and I'm instructed to think on the things that are true, pure, just, etc. Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." I like the way Chan talks about worry.  He says "Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happing in our lives." Worry invites doubt and I begin asking myself why? and what? and when?. When it's not at all about "me" but ALL about God! Chan also says that "stress says that things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards other, or our tight grip of control." I constantly find myself worrying about or stressing over things that I most of the time have absolutely no control over and in turn, I'm not putting all my trust in God. 

Not fully trusting God and not turning everything over to Him only puts worry and unneeded stress in my life. Ultimately setting me back from the beautiful relationship God wants to have with me.  I'm so thankful for God's unchanging grace and setting me back on the right path.