mold me with fresh grace

Yesterday I heard Natalie say, "oh, I'm stupid." 

Immediately I took her defense. "Don't say that, Natalie. You are not stupid. You are very intelligent and bright. Why would you say that?"

She started back paddling and could see that she didn't really mean it and was quoting something she saw on TV. 

Today, I listened to an incredible video that reassured what I have been battling inside. It starts out talking about Ephesians 2:10. This is where it hit home. I have been beating myself up the last couple of months because I can’t seem to get ahead of the ball. I throw that term out lightly, but it’s bounced from work to financials to physical strength to just about every area of my life. Here in Ephesians I'm told that I am his workmanship... created in Jesus. "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." 

I look at Natalie and see a beautiful creation of God. She’s sweet, charming and beautiful. People sing her praises for the kindness she shows and her intelligence. I clearly see that God has created a masterpiece!

When I got up this morning it was still dark. I opened the doors and windows to let the cool air in. I prepared Natalie's lunch and fed the cat before I took a good long look in the mirror ~ what did I see?

I saw me.  

I also saw an overweight, 30 something, single, broken woman who needs a haircut and a color to cover the grey. I am ashamed of what I see. I don't like the body that I'm in ~ I want the weight to fall off. I don't like the decisions I have made. I don't like the financial situation I am in. Ultimately, I saw me.  "I am stupid," is what I see... is what I hear.

It’s in the lowly, tired, lonely times that I tend to scream out to him. The work is not done. Every day there are more chips flying as he chisels ~ taking out all the things that do not pertain to him. The things that are dead weight...anger, pride, comparison of others instead of him, problem with lust, laziness, pretending to be too busy for God, vainly going to church, but not coming to me... God is not into playing games. He doesn't want me to just have him play God over certain areas of my life, but instead he wants to BE God in my life! He wants to be in every detail.

As I looked into the mirror I whispered, “God, how have I lost your love? How can I make you love me more? I know, I’ll sign up for another thing at church or take on that challenging project at work. I’ll keep fighting the fight…”

Just as I have heard time after time over the last couple of months… God says, "Stop! LET GO! Sit still and listen to me, this may even hurt. Listen, when you said, “Yes” to me… I never promised it would be easy."

My argument is, "but, God, I know I said “yes,” but in so many ways, I have let you down.”

God says, “No! You haven’t been holding me up! Let me have my way.”

Tearfully I plea, “If I let you have your way, you’re going to see the real me and you're not going to like what you find in me. Oh, Lord, it’s best if you don’t. Oh, please, be prepared of what you see... I'm scared. I’m ashamed. Be prepared for what you find in there, Lord. I'm sorry... I'm really scared that you won't like what you see. Oh, this hurts. There are areas in here that you are not fully invited. Oh, Lord, I know you think I'm stupid for some of the things you see in there. You’ll see I'm lazy. You might see that I'm prideful ~ that I try to do things on my own. You’ll see, Lord, that I’m stupid." 

God says, "Suzanne, you are beautiful!”

I cry, “Oh, Lord, I am not. I’m a mess! I'm not a good person.”

God laughs, “Suzanne, I don't make junk! You are beautiful! I am so madly in love with you! I want to romance you! I want to dance with you just as David dances. I want to give you all I have ~ my joy, my peace, my love. YOU are my masterpiece. Suzanne, You are my ORIGINAL Masterpiece. It’s in you I find favor! You bring me joy!" 

“Really? Me? I am a masterpiece. No… Lord, you must have me confused with someone else. Really?”

God replies, “How beautiful are those who bring good news! Now, get out there and let my glory shine!”

WOW! With the same tools he molds my beautiful Natalie... he molds me ~ chiseling me into what he wants me to be... a masterpiece. Oh, it hurts and it’s not an easy road and over and over I try to take control... I’m insane to think that I fall into the emptiness of trying to do things myself and expect different results. 

There is nothing I can do to pull me away from God’s love and grace. There is nothing more I can do to gain more of God’s love and grace. I cannot gain more of his love. Let me say that again... There is NOTHING I can do to gain more of God's love and grace and there is NOTHING that I can do that will pull me away from God's love and grace ~ nothing. It's there. 

I can only accept it.

And when I accept it… He has made me his masterpiece. Its through obedience that I grow into what he would have me become. When I look in the mirror I want to see him. I want him to use me and allow me to do his great things! He loves me too much to leave me beating myself up. But it is up to me to take the steps he has laid out for me. 

As the video showed me this morning, “I am God's original masterpiece. God does not make junk. You are an original masterpiece!” It’s so great to hear that the Lord loves us.

In Lamentations 3:22-24 I’m told that because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is his faithfulness! The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. I love The Message version. It reads, “God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left.” Wow! Isn’t it wonderful to know that God offers the same love and mercy and grace to me daily? And from day to day, it never changes nor dries up! This is what I have been hearing lately.

Accept his fresh grace.  It’s enough EVERY single day to get me through the day… and to top it all off, he offers me his unconditional love.

Lord, Today I’m releasing it all. I cannot continue to hold on to these things. I cannot continue to do it on my own.  I want to be your masterpiece. Please do what you need to do to make me all you want me to be. Mold me, shape me, work on me until you are satisfied with what you have done; then in me, shine through me so that all may see your glory. Continue to chisel out the things that are just taking up residence and do no good. For it is you I want to shine in me. When I look in the mirror, I want to see you.

keep me out

Lord, take me where you want me to go;

Let me meet who you want me to meet,

Tell me what you want me to say,

And then... keep me out of the way.

Couldn't have said any better than that. Thank you, Dwight Edwards.

move my feet

"Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet."  I read this somewhere and it hit home.

Every day I ask for God's direction, understanding and vision for what He has for me. But some days, I not sure I'm really willing to take that next move to let him use me, to direct me or help me to understand exactly His will for my life. It's one thing to ask, but another to actually move to the call.

Several times this last week, I have found myself in a situation where I need to die. Not in a physical way ~ in a mental, fleshly way. My fleshly desires want to take over and take charge of my every move, my step... and ultimately my mind.  As simple as it is... I lose track. I lose focus on the ultimate goal. The path looks foggy, disturbed and I not sure what lies in wait for me up ahead. I can't see clearly, the things I should be doing. And can't see what lies in wait for my passing. I begin to doubt what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I need... Ultimately I begin to fear. I begin to retreat back to my comfort zone, less striving, less attentive to God's voice. Although I consistently asked God to lead me.

But, what good is it if I'm not willing to go and do what is needed of me ~ if I'm not willing to move my feet?

The other night, Natalie in tears crawled in bed with me. As a mother, I comforted her in my arms and asked what was going on. She responded simply, "I'm scared." She had a nightmare that was detailed and too real in her mind. She said she couldn't stop thinking about it and it just scared her so much. I wrapped my arms around her, held her tight and told her to think about her favorite cartoon. It became relevant to me at that point... I'm scared too.  And probably too much to do with where my focus is right now. It's in my Father's arms where I feel most comforted.  From the time I was a kid in Missionettes, I constantly reflect back to Philippians 4:8, whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, good report, think of these things. 

When I think about these things, my feet want to move. I want to make an impact in the world, in my own, quiet way. God gives me choices. ...some times I wished He didn't, but He does. He gives me the choice to let him guide my steps or try to make it on my own.  I don't want to be in my comfort zone... I want to stay hungry... I want to seek God to feed my soul. I want to seek God to move my feet. 

Romans 10:14-15 reads: How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15 And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"

Lord, take control of my feet... help me to get up and move to your calling, to be a servant to fulfill your need, your will. Use me for your glory, for your kingdom. I'm reminded of a prayer by Chuck Oodegard at church: "Lord, give me eyes to see the world as you see it. Lord, give me ears to hear the world as you hear it. Lord, break my heart with the things that break your heart. Lord let me serve you in the joy that only you can give." In Jesus precious name.

parental love

God loves me. I don't think I really knew how that statement was true until the experience of raising Natalie. As a parent, I can't imagine my child ever doing anything to me, against me that would cut the ties of love I have for her. Even imagining her as adult and making choices of her own that would change her life for good or bad ~ I still can't imagine not loving her. Nor can I think of anything that I wouldn't do to show her my parental love. It's unconditional. It's indescribable. It's parental love.

God, in the same sense, has called me as his own child. He has no grandchildren, no aunts, no uncles, no step children... He has children and I am His child.  When I obey Him I am rewarded; I am blessed. When I do not obey ~ guess what? He still loves me so very much. So much more than I can ever imagine. It is a parental, patient, forgiving, unconditional, unfailing, trusting, hoping, protecting love as in I Corinthians 13.

The blood of Christ shouts once and for all on behalf of the Father, "I love you! There's nothing bad you can do to make Me love you less, and nothing good you can do to make Me love you more–it's impossible to love you more than I already do and always will." from Releasing the Rivers Within by Dwight Edwards.

God does not punish me for my sins... sin is, in itself, punishment ~ sin devours me from the inside. It is not God's purpose to punish me for it, but He receives joy when He has cured me from it. I cannot gain God's love. No matter what I do (or don't do, for that matter) I cannot gain more love from God. He loves me ~ He truly loves me. No matter what mess I get myself in... no matter what steps I have taken. God is what He is... no matter how I've preconceived notions and ideas in my mind. I only need to accept what it is; what He is ~ Love.