lost my sole

For the last couple of weeks, I've been searching for a story in my heart. I've been asking God if He has something for me to say to lay it on my heart and make it clear to me. I have never considered myself a writer at all. And I have a hard time writing if I'm not seeking Him whole heartedly. I cannot write ~ I've tried on my own and I sit there and stare at a blank screen, but if I ask God to guide my heart I feel I have something to say. He knows I'm not doing this blog for me, but for all His glory, so I don't want to post anything that I don't feel like God is all over it. I know I have a touch of creativity ~ God has given me that talent, but I am not a writer. However, lately I feel like I have writers block. I have about 15 "stories" in my draft folder, but none are ready to be posted. I don't feel like they are complete. This morning, I asked God if He wants me to continue this blog to give me something to write about. Well, wouldn't you know... He has planted something on my heart and in my step ~ sorta speak.

The other night Natalie and I attended an open house for my friend and neighbors' new salon in town. We entered the door prize drawings as we arrived, walked around, grabbed a piece of pizza and chatted with a few friends we knew. The drawings for the door prizes began. I really had my heart set on the grand prize which was a Chi flat iron... the best on the market right now.

In the midst of the clatter, "Natalie Holt" was called out from the front of the salon. She was sitting with my sister at the time her name was drawn, so she scuffled through the crowd to find me. She acted a bit embarrassed but I encouraged her to go up and claim her prize. She looked at me with those big eyes, shaking her head "no," and waving me on to come with her. So, I shuffled her back to the front where she for some reason, started resisting my nudge. We were both wearing boots that evening and just as we were nearing the front of the salon, she stopped her feet right under me, forcing me to drop her to the ground, stumble over her, skipping and hopping a couple of feet in my boots until I grabbed on to a nine year old boy where I caught my balance. Natalie hit the floor, however, I managed to refrain from completely falling. I curtsied and introduced myself as "ms. grace" to the crowd as I made Natalie gather her winnings. Natalie went home with shower gel and lotion. I went home with a wounded ego.

There are times that I feel really alone and experience fear... physically and spiritually. Sometimes I feel lost. I am actually embarrassed to admit I have those feelings, but I do have them. God has given us the ability to be sensitive and emotional. Sometimes I feel God doesn't hear my cry. I feel there's a void between my heart and the big open sky thus the feelings of "writers block". I know there are going to be times that I don't feel God in everything, but that doesn't change the fact that He is right here in everything. I know He goes with me. He is in me. Everything good in me is Him. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." I know my God is with me... He promised He wouldn't leave me. I just long to wrap the emotion around Him and feel him deep in my soul... to feel the burning, stirring and longing.

It wasn't until this morning that I realized I was not seeking and longing with all my heart and soul. I wore the boots I wore the other night to the salon and it wasn't until I had arrived at work and was putting my lunch in the break room that I truly realized I was lost. Sometimes things change without actually realizing it until its already done. When I hit the polished concrete floor in the break room, I went slipping and sliding like I was walking on ice. I caught my balance and examined the bottom of my boots. There's the problem... the sole of my left boot heel was completely missing. I had lost my sole! ...probably at the salon when I so gracefully skated to the front. On carpet or anything not slippery, I cannot feel that I lost the sole on my left foot, but I subconsciously know that it's not there, so I'm walking a little more gentle today... a little more effort to compose grace. When I walked around the building, my left boot sounds like a "clink" while the right sounds like "clank." Luckily, I currently have no meetings to attend today, so I can sit at my desk for the majority of the day. LOL

I chuckled all the way back to my desk while I said thanks to God for giving me a story to write. God has quite a sense of humor when it comes to getting my attention. I don't want to subconsciously "lose" my soul. I don't want to walk around when my heart has changed without even realizing it. I must constantly be on guard and not let things on this earth get me down. With God and I, I don't always see His little hints, so most of the time it requires me falling on my butt with a good laugh to come back to spirituality! Yes, I lost my sole, but not my soul. Every step I take today, I will definitely be reminded of God's grace because it's going to take a LOT of grace to walk around in this broken boot all day!

Lord, thank you for the sunshine today ~ what a beautiful view outside! Thank you for giving me laughter and allowing me to sense Your presence. Please continue to use me as your daughter and your servant. Take me places You want me to go. Thanks for your grace for if it were not for your grace and mercy, I would not be here today. You are such an awesome God! In your precious son, Jesus', name!

letter of the heart

II Corinthians 3:2-3 says, "You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not in ink, but with the Spirit of the the living God."

This week I had the sweetest blessing in the world! My dad and friend of the family came down and laid tile in my bathroom and hung the paneling on the walls. I bought this house almost three years ago and little by little trying to fix it up. It seems like when I have the money, I don't have the time. And when I have the time... I don't have the money. ...'tis life. The bathroom is coming along nicely! I finished the molding and baseboards today. I've already purchased a new counter top, but am waiting to purchase the sink. Soon it will be complete... little by little.

I saw my father exhaust himself on this project. He wasn't suppose to do much, but you can't stop him from doing something he has his mind set on. I breaks my heart to see him get frustrated with himself because daily he is realizing he cannot do the things he used to be able to do. His whole life he has supplied for the family; help neighbors; tended the yard; worked on the cars and house.. never stopped or slowed down. He told me this week that my tile floor was the last project he was going to conquer. He realized that he just doesn't have the stability to tackle another large project. I didn't ask him to help me on the bathroom. He insisted and wanted to bless me. ...and I'm ever grateful!

The life style Paul is talking about is unapologetic. It's a life filled of ministry. It's a servant hearted life. It's a selfless life; a clean and righteous life. The letter is the life each of us live. It's how people see us and it's who we are when no one is looking. Am I writing a beautiful letter?

When Paul talks about the letters of the heart, I immediately think of my daddy. He's always been a giver and still is. He wants to help whenever able with friends, church, family... no matter the cost ~ no matter if he ends up in bed for several days. I see his generous lifestyle and the letter on his sweet heart is so beautifully written. ...and I'm eternally grateful and blessed to call him daddy!

Daddy ~ thank you for all the work you have done for me. I love you to infinity and beyond!

Lord, Thank you for my daddy! Thank you for giving him to me and being the servant hearted example I need. Touch his body and give him strength and endurance. Warm his soul this winter and bless him ten times more than he has blessed me. You are such a gracious God! In Jesus' precious name.

focus

Today I had the privilege to go on a field trip with Natalie and her class. We traveled a couple of towns over to watch a play. Twenty-one first graders are a lot of kids. The teacher led the line while I brought up the tail making sure all 21 first graders were following directions and accounted for. Let me just say, after those four hours, I came home exhausted. The best description I can think of for 21 first graders on a field trip is "herding cats." I can't recall how many times I said "let's go," "you need to listen," "keep your hands to yourself" or "shhhh, pay attention to the teacher" and also "stay in line." I was constantly redirecting their attention on what they should be doing and who they should be paying attention to. There was so much going on that everything "else" was the distraction.

In the same way, every day, all around me, I'm constantly shifting my attention to something I feel is more important. At work, it's what fire is burning the hottest and making the most flame and clatter. I jump from obstacle to the next just trying to stay afloat. I run to the ball field, to church, to gymnastics, to work, to school... without taking a breath. So chaotic, I have no time to sit still. Most days I feel like God is trying to tell me something and most days I feel like I've missed something. Almost every day, I feel like He is just trying to say, "shhhhhh, be quiet ~ focus." But I continue to abruptly interrupt Him with my schedule and everything "else" going on around me.

I've been studying the book of James. Sometimes my urgency to find out what God has planned for me, to see "big picture" and to understand everything right now, right this second... eliminates the soft, quiet times God really craves to experience with me. I don't take the time to really stop and listen to what's being said... and not only are my ears not hearing, but my eyes are not looking for His treasures. I can't seem to tame the tongue so I can open my ears. And more importantly, as James refers to in chapter 3, if I do see and hear and do not use those thing which I've seen and heard, what good is that?

I experience deja vu quite a bit. You know those times when you're in a situation that you feel like you been there before. So many times, I wonder if it's Him ~ I wonder if it's His way of showing me something right then and there. I get giddy like a child in a candy store imagining it's God penetrating the world around me to feel His presence in a new way. Like I've said before, I don't hear a big booming voice, I don't see a bright shining light. I see Him in my every day life, and speaks to me through the bible and I know it's Him by the Truth, by love and by His beauty of whatever it may be.

I heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago and it took me three days to finally figure out who sang it and the title. It touched my heart so much and put a smile on my face. You can look it up on youtube.com. Mandisa wrote a beautiful song called, "God Speaking."

Have you ever heard a love song that set your spirit free?
Have you ever watched a sunrise and felt you could not breathe?
What if it's Him. What if it's God speaking.
Have you ever cried a tear that you could not explain?
Have you ever met a stranger who already knew your name?
What if it's Him. What if it's God speaking
Who knows how He'll get a hold of us; get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to; to tell us "I love you"
and the song goes on...

Today, a friend of mine posted a cute saying on his status. He was driving on his way to work this morning and saw a church bulletin board that caught his attention. It read, "Jesus knows me, this I love!" ~ perfect!

There's not a day that goes by that I don't say these exact words to Natalie... "You know what?" She will respond with, "what?" I reply with, "I love you!" Sometimes she'll guess "I love you!" but every time she responds, "I KNEW you were going to say that!" Which is perfect. I don't want a day to go by that she doesn't hear those words from me!

God is the same way. He tells me every day that He loves me. He gives me everything around me to show me how much he loves me, but if my eyes and ears are not focused on hearing and seeing Him, I could just miss it. Shhhhhh.. listen.

In James 3, James talks about taming the tongue. He references a bit in the mouth of a horse and how that bit controls the whole horse ~ where the horse is led, which direction to turn, and when to stop. The bit also prevents the horse from eating much and makes it difficult to neigh (speak) and difficult to bite. In verse five, James says, "the words out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything-or destroy it." What's the bit in my mouth? What am I letting lead me?


The Message version of James 1:22-27 "Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like. But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action. Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."

Listen, focus... He's speaking.

Oh, Lord, help me to have ears to hear You. My ears cannot be open if my mouth is open. Help me control my tongue. Use me, do whatever you need to do to use me. Thank you for telling me you love me in everything! Help me to focus only on You. In Jesus' precious name.

hope like a rabbit

Natalie wrote a poem the other day... loved it!

Can you hope like a.....rabbit
Can you hop up and down!
Can you flip rawnd and rawnd intil you fall down!

Nope, those are not my typos :) She's just in first grade and spelling her words as best they sound. She is so creative. Yes, I'm a proud momma!

I love misspelled words that actually bring on a new meaning than what was intended. I've always thought that God makes us all creative and at some point, somewhere along the way, if not encouraged, it becomes "schooled" out of us. I recently read a book that contradicted these exact thoughts. The author says that, "we are born with or without talent; it is a gift from God." I'm still torn about whether we are born without it. My heart wants to think that we are all "created" in His image... and my God is the ultimate "creator." Genesis 1, "In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth.... ...Then God said, Let us make man in our image, in our likeness..."

In Natalie's little poem, I wonder what "hope" looks like to a rabbit. I know with Natalie's little bunny, any time we open the back door, she stands up on her back legs and looks to see if we are coming over to her cage to visit. The only thing that is really expected of us as rabbit owners is food and water. "Flower," Natalie's rabbit, has become part of of our little family. We've had her for a few months and try to handle her every day so she stays familiar with us and stays gentle. She's the type of bunny that actually seems to likes people. I think she likes her alone time, but is fine with kids petting and loving on her for a little while and even gives kisses when asked of her. Although her life consists of a cage and a young girls' hugs and squeezes and the occasional treats, I still can't help but wonder what a rabbit hopes for... or any animal for that matter. I asked Natalie if I could keep her writing and take it to work with me. :) She granted me permission. I feel honored to have this perfect little letter to remind me of Psalm 150:6, "Let everything that has breath (even rabbits) praise the Lord!" and have hope.

Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Oh, Lord, You're beautiful! Thank you for helping me understand what hope really means. Thank you for giving us something to hope for. It is You my heart longs for. Thank you for my family, for the gentleness and sweet spirit you have given Natalie. Thank you for continuing to do your beautiful work in her. I give you praise in Jesus' precious name!

lunchtime missionary

Natalie's teacher emailed me a few months ago. Her email went something like this... "Suzanne, I just wanted to email you and tell you what Natalie did in class today. We have been studying the laws of the land this week. I asked the class if anyone knew any of the laws. Natalie raised her hand and proudly said, "I know the ten commandments." I asked if she would like to share with the class. She stood up and rattled off the ten commandments. What a little missionary she is! Just thought you would want to know."

Proud momma right here... let me tell ya! We had just studied in my Sunday school class a simple way to remember the ten commandments. I guess it worked. I love the fact that children do not separate "God" and "State" or school for that matter. I love it that at age seven God, school, sports, church, work, play is all wrapped up in "living" and find it sad that we as a system, teach them to separate these things in their life instead of working them all in unity.

Natalie takes her lunch every day. I get up, start the daily routine... which includes packing her lunch. She carries a soft, fabric lunchbox with a clear pocket on the front. At our local Christian bookstore, I pick up the little business cards size cards with the little devotions. You know the Sunday school cards: "Keep Your Chin UP!" "God LOVES You." So, each day, I place a new daily card in her lunchbox pocket. For a while I would see these cards come back home or in her backpack. About three weeks into the school year, I realized once I packed the cards in the lunchbox pocket, it never returned home and I never saw it again. So, one day, out of curiosity, I asked Natalie if she enjoyed getting the little devotions in her lunchbox. Shes brightened up and said she loves ones with kittens and puppies on them.

Each Wednesday, I've been trying to surprise Natalie at school to spend lunch with her and her classmates. I started this a couple weeks ago. It gives me a chance to get to know the kids in her classroom and those she calls her friends. I have found that the kids love it when adults sit at their table. Each of them want to tell you about their day, their favorite foods, friends, families... their lives. I try to be very attentive and listen carefully to all of them, but in all honesty, sometimes I just hear a lot of little voices.

The first Wednesday I showed up to surprise her for lunch, I immediately noticed Natalie's card was already taken out of her lunchbox. So, I asked her, "What did you do with your card?" All of a sudden all the kids in her class sitting around us who heard me ask her started saying, "Natalie gave me one! I have one that Natalie gave me! Mines at my desk." I looked over at Natalie and grinned. She just shrugged her shoulders like, "what? I shared them!"

WOW! What a testimony to me! I love seeing God working in her little life with her classmates. She has no idea the impact she is having on those children's and possibly parents' lives. She is the little lunchtime missionary!

Lord, thank you for my little Natalie! Thank you for pursuing her heart. Thank you for keeping her safe. Continue to work in her life to keep her a walking missionary for you! Keep up the good work, Lord, I'm enjoying watching her grow in You so much! You are so gracious to me! In Jesus' spotless name.

that was easy

Every Monday morning, our local radio station plays a game called, "the easy button." You know the commercials from the office supply store "that was easy." The radio station announces they are going to play the easy button and if you're the fifth caller to call in when you hear the blurb, you win a prize for the day. This morning, Natalie snatched up the phone, waited in anticipation for the button, then pressed the green button to call.

"It's ringing mom! Someone answered, mom! They're talking... I think we won!" she screeched as she tossed me the phone.

Yep, we won... thanks to her speedy little fingers. Our gain totaled up to, one Kutless worship CD and a promo water bottle (oh, and one complimentary pen and pencil that I snatched off the receptionist desk when I picked up Natalie's winnings). Just back in September, the same radio station drew her name out of the hat for the birthday bash and she won a $15 gift certificate for a local restaurant.

So... soccer season is nearing the end. Along with the madness of a busy last few months; tonight we played our second game in the soccer tournament. We won last Thursday, which automatically qualified us to play tonight... and we won... again. Forth game in a row they've won; which I think is ironic since we didn't win a single game until half way through the season. So we play tomorrow night for the championship of the fall soccer season.

Some times being a single mom means sacrificing some personal choices. Some times it means being on a tight schedule ~ not always by choice. A few weeks ago Natalie had to be at a soccer game at 5:30, a book fair to attend by 6pm and I had a parent/teacher conference at 5:15. At 4:30 I started to feel panicky as I scooped up my items to head out from a days work. My mind ran through the check list... be here, stop there, grab that... cleets, shin guards, uniform, snacks... and checking them twice then it hit me ~ now how am I suppose to be in three places at once? I posted something on my facebook wall to the affect ..."soccer game at 5:30, parent teacher conference at 5:15, book fair by 6.... does anyone know where I can find the cloning formula or the placement of the easy button?" Although hoops were jumped through and some how we accomplished our tasks for the evening... some tasks we arrived early, some on time, some we were running late; just the thought of having an "easy button" helped.

The next morning when I arrived at work, someone had placed an "easy button" on my desk. I've used it a few times, but haven't really seen the magical affects from it yet. hehehehe Someone was trying to help out. And although a little pun, it is still appreciated.

I reeeally wish my "easy button" rattled off Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" ...now that is easy! Knowing that with God in charge ~ I can move that mountain. No one ever promised this life would be easy. And there's no magical "easy button" to push in emergency situations. But... the thought that God is in charge makes the thought of life a little less difficult. My "easy button" in life could easily become the direct line I have with the Father... prayer. Now.. that was easy.

Lord, thanks for the strength you give me. Oh, Lord, you know I'm not perfect.. thanks, for well, working on me. Thanks for not giving up on me and not allowing me to give up. Thanks for the direct line and for allowing me to be in Your presence with just one small request. Thanks for the accomplishments you allowed me to fulfill today. Thanks for keeping us safe and walking with me. It's in your precious sons' name.

to run

Last week we had a tragedy in the town we live. It's a small town so a tragedy such as this, affects all of us. A young man in high school decided to take his life after his girlfriend broke up with him. At sixteen years old, he decided life wasn't worth living anymore; that his race was just too much to run any further. Rumors have it that he was part of a church family here in town; that he was involved with sports; and was loved by everyone around. Obviously, I can't help but think there was a deeper pain that no one noticed. There was a void... It seems we go through stages in our life when we begin losing those people closest around us. We all know this is the circle of life. We all know there is a time to die, but when those times come ~ expected or not, we grieve each in our own way. What was once there, is no longer and our emotions tell us there's a void. I can't help but think of Mandisas' song, "Voice of a Savior." One line in the song "you are I are not that different, we got a void and we're just trying to fill it up. Something that will give a little peace...all we want is a hand to reach to, open arms to run to. We'd give anything to hear a voice of a Savior." Whatever that "savior" looks like ~ bottom of a bottle, needle in an arm, money in a pocket, in anothers arms, victory, some place no one else has gone. But at the end of the day... it's still in the same place ~ right in the middle of Jesus' arms ~ something to call savior... something to save me from this world.

A couple of weeks ago, I lost a very dear aunt. She was my father's last living sibling. Over a couple of phone calls and a few IM chats, I could tell that my dad was taking the loss pretty hard. My dad is the middle of five children; two younger brother twins who had already passed on; an older brother and his oldest, his sister who just passed. I packed up and traveled with some of my family two states over to attend my aunt's funeral. I learned on this trip that my dad was one of six, but he had lost a brother at around nine months old along with his mother having multiple miscarriages.

At the end of day two, I wrapped my arms around my dad and asked him, "you doing okay? You look pretty tired."

He reply, "I'm just sad. I just lost my only sister."

I've never lost a sibling, but I saw the loss in his eyes. I felt his loss with him. The funeral was nice; a lot of older country church hymns. Her oldest grandson, my second cousin, spoke for a while of the memories he had built with his grandmother over the years. He seemed to gleam when he talked about his own kids building and cherished the memories they had with Vera as well... baking, quilting, her love of bingo, always building memories. She lived a full life with her family as the center of her attention. The legacy she left behind was her family and the love she taught them and undoubtedly showed them.

From my cousins' speech, I couldn't help but think about Paul's journey and the letter he wrote the Philippi church. Several times Paul refers to life as a race. In those days, Rome could relate to physical, athletic games; it was their culture. Still today, the metaphor of a race is ran by all of us. Paul knew his life was nearing the end. Timothy's letters were the last letters preparing Timothy to take on the baton; to continue the work that he had began and carry it through. Aunt Vera had left a baton of love, family, laughter, and of beauty to her family.

A lady brought a writing into our Wednesday night class that she found on a website that gave me a new perspective of how that baton is to be passed. "As Bishop Michael Baughen depicts, 'The relay runner is pounding around the track, using every ounce of energy, heading for the hand-over point. Ahead of him is the next runner in the relay, feet beginning to move in anticipation, eyes on the runner coming towards him, his hand now outstretched to take the baton at the appropriate moment and then to run and run, while the man he took the baton from collapses breathless on to the grass. Paul is pounding towards the end. His 'time of departure has come' and Paul is urging Timothy to take the baton from him and to run with commitment and determination."

My baton of life was crafted by my forefathers; passed down from generation to generation. As in most families, through each generation the baton is sometimes easy to carry, but sometimes the baton is worn or broken or just needs to be dusted off and refined. My parents took the baton at a very young age and continue to run the race of life to the fullest; standing by each other with God as their primary focus. Through the years, they have polished this baton and through their lives they have made their baton breath-takingly beautiful. The baton, although, I know will be fumbled in my hands at times, one day it will be held with pride and little refining and hopefully with God's help, I will continue to hold it firmly so it will ready to pass on to Natalie when that times comes. My parents have done a great job preparing me for the baton. I know my feet are waiting with anticipation to grab it and continue the race for Christs' sake.

Although, as in Paul's situation, we don't typically pass the baton on until we are ready to pass on, I should keep in mind that I shouldn't be wait for the passing of my loved ones to grab the baton. It's my responsibility to carry my own baton... to continue the work that has already began; to prepare my Natalie to be ready to accept the baton at a moments' notice. Paul could see the end of his race and knew his reward was waiting for him.

I can't help but ask myself, am I running the race of life in such a way to gain the prize? Will I be remembered in such a way that is pleasing from one generation to the next? I hope so. Probably not after a couple of generations, but I'm okay with that. So I can't help but ask, how's your daily race going? Are you stretching each day towards the finish line? Are you preparing another young Timothy to pass the baton to when you finish your race of life? Will they be fully prepared to accept it with a firm grip and to run when that time comes?

Lord, thank you for crafting such a beautiful baton my parents carry. Thank you for the legacy my parents have given us already. Thank you for the time I had on this earth with my sweet, Aunt Vera. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your kingdom. I understand You don't need me, but I'm grateful You allow me to be a part of Your will. Continue to work in me, refine me, sculpt me, chisel me until You are satisfied with what you see. Grant those extra peace during this time of loss. Show them the best place to run is in the comfort of your arms. In Jesus precious, loving name.

forgive it

I recently received a junk email. You know the "friend" emails or the "tag, you're hugged ~ pass it on" emails... Typically, I skim through them quickly and file most of them in the deleted folder, but for some reason, this particular email jumped off the screen. I think it was the floating balloons that caught my attention... It read: "Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it..." and it goes on.

I stumbled over the line, "Forget about the one's who don't [treat you right]" several times. I'm not suppose to forget about the ones who don't treat me right. It's been nailed into me so much to love your neighbor as yourself; and I've always been taught that Christ instructs us to love our neighbor just as He has loved me. And if there is rivalry, to pray for our brother. Matthew 18:12-20 tells me to go to my brother and resolve whatever issue is between us and if you can listen to one another, you have gained a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest. Verses 18-20 keep me in check. I'm instructed to take this seriously because what I say to one another in prayer is eternal and where two are more are gathered because of God, He is there as well.

The Message has a great passage for Matthew chapter five. In verse 43-47 it states, "You're familiar with the old written law, "love your friend." and its' unwritten companion, "hate your enemy." I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best-the sun to warm and the rain to nourish-to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anyone can dot that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that." I love how verse 48 is summed up in the Message. It reads, "In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. (hehehe! I love that!) You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you." Could He be more forward? Awesome!

Luke 6:39-41 was a recent study at church. I felt it was right in line with what is on my heart. The Message, verse 41-42: "It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this I-know-better-than-you mentality again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your own part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."

It's so easy for me to judge those around me; to think I'm better than that or that's beneath me... But Jesus clearly tells us not to judge our neighbor for I have no idea what their heart is going through ~ only God can see the heart. I remember a time my mother went through when I was younger. She was confronted by a lady in our church instructing my mother to be more involved with the church. The lady claimed that God told her that she needed to tell my mom this and that. I remember my mother looking at that lady and telling her if God needed her to know these things, that He would tell her these things Himself. This little story reminds me of the parable in Luke 6: 41-42, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brothers eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" This clearly tells me that I have no right to judge, especially when I know I can't even get it right.

Now, I believe God talks to each us in our own special way. I believe He works with me and allows me to see things for me. I can't answer for anyone else. I don't have the ability to tell someone "you're doing it wrong or you need to change that" because each of us are walking our own path with God. I have not been put on this earth to judge my neighbor, but I am to love them unconditionally. My mother followed up her conversation with this lady with this simple statement: "Why don't you walk in my shoes for a mile and see if you still feel the same way." My mother was not on a victim; it was not a "woe is me" party. She was defending the fact that she was a busy mother of four. Setting timers, bells and whistles to remind her to pick one daughter up from school while drop another one off for basketball practice. Then off to take another to piano lessons while the other one needed to be at the church for a bake sale. Only to pick up the one from basketball practice and drop her off at the softball fields as she changed uniforms in the car on the way. Meanwhile, the bake sale just ended and the other one is ready to be picked up from piano. ...You get the picture ~ she was a busy mom. She did an excellent job raising us girls along with Daddy who faithfully dropped us off at school every morning on his way to work to supply for the family. I'm grateful for them being such a vital part of my life.



If I were to title this chapter in my life, I would have to call it, "The Tired Years" and I know it's only going to get worse in the next couple of years, but there's no better way to describe it. Running Natalie to soccer practice, games, gymnastics, school, church... Oh.. yah, I have a more than 40 hour a week job. There are times that I am flat out tired. The other day Natalie and I were in the kitchen. We carved the pumpkin, made pumpkin bread and was cleaning up the kitchen when she asked me, "am I in your way?" I admit, I was tired and a little grumpy. To my surprise, instead of saying yes-move, I heard myself reply "no, you're in my life." She is my life. Yes, there are times I hurdle over her because every time I turn around she's right there. She keeps me so busy... and tired., but there's not a day goes by that I don't count it a blessing she is in my life. .

What I'm getting at is ~ if I am this busy, I imagine most everyone else is busy too and are all walking different miles in different shoes. It's in those times that I am tired, that I think about how my life is easy compared to others. James 1. Paraphrased: "Consider it sheer gifts when tests and challenges come your way because it's pressure from all sides that faith is forced into the open to show its true colors." I don't know what my neighbor is going through. I don't know the burdens of their heart. If they have done me wrong and I chose to forget about them, they could be doomed for eternity. And if I choose not to forgive them... I am doomed for eternity. Yes ~ you read that correctly. If I do not forgive someone who has done me wrong, I am dooming myself. And even more importantly, if I do not resolve that issue, I may be allowing them to be doomed. It's a big pill to swallow, but the best gift you can give someone is forgiveness. And the best gift you can give yourself... is forgiveness.

So... let me rewrite this email: Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Pray for those who don't and believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance to reconcile differences, grab it and thank God for changing you and for giving you a soft heart. Noone promised this life would be easy, but some did say it would be worth it. Stay strong and forgive just as God has forgiven us.

Lord, thank you for forgiving me. It's by your grace, I can call you my Lord. Help me to have a tender heart for others. Help me to be quick to forgive and even quicker to forget. Thank you for your countless blessings in my life including my sweet Natalie. Thank you for using her as a teaching tool for me and for graciously pursing her little heart. Thank you for showing her your love and peace and for already using her as part of your mission. You are an amazing God! In Jesus' precious name.

allow me

In the last verse of Mark 8, Jesus tells us that if we are ashamed of him and the gospel, upon his return, He too will be ashamed of me. I think in my younger years, this statement was harder to overcome than today. Today, I am proud of the fact that the God of the universe admires and loves me beyond belief, but it has taken faith and trials to bring me to this point in my relationship with God. 

Lately, I've been trying to help Natalie understand how and why we shouldn't be ashamed of the ultimate God of the universe. Up until a few weeks ago, Natalie would not publicly pray. I never forced it on her, but continually encourage and ask her if she would like to pray. So, the other day, I asked if she would like to pray over the meal. To my surprise, she said, "yes, I would." The two of us held each others hand, bowed our heads and turned our thoughts toward God and for the first time, I listened to the words being launched to God by my daughter in her small voice. I was so proud of her. She thanked our Heavenly Father for the day, for keeping us safe, for the food and asked Him to bless the food to the nourishment of our bodies and all these things were asked and thought of "in Jesus' name." I commended her for her prayer and thanked her. She could tell I was proud of her. 

A few weeks ago, she and I had a discussion about perception and how God loves us, but if we are ashamed to talk to Him or share things we know about Him with other people, then He is going to be ashamed of us too. But if we are zealous in our sharing the news, God too is going to have favor toward us. 

I think that discussion may have triggered her thinking. Over the last couple of weeks she has wanted to pray over every meal. I imagine God getting tickled and smiling down at her, with her sweet little voice and tender, young spirit. I'm reminded of the verse that Matthew 10:32 whoever acknowledges me, I will also acknowledge him before my father. 

This morning while jumping through our morning routine, Natalie at the breakfast table, myself at the ironing board, we were listening to a local radio station. A comment was made upon the thought that when we are in difficult situations we shift our focus to God and ask for His help and strength to get us through another day.  I looked over at Natalie as she asked, "Mom, do we do that?" I smiled and said, "Yes, I do. Do you ask God to help you?" She gave me that look like you're the momma,  you're suppose to take care of those things for us. 

I asked her when she's in difficult times if she asked God to help her; if she forgot to do homework or if someone gave her a hard time at recess or someone said something not nice to her. I explained to her how God hears our thoughts and looks at our heart and that it's okay to take a few minutes in a quiet, silent prayer asking God for help and strength. I could see her little wheels churning on that comment. 

Job 11:7-9 ~ Job asks us, "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? God is far higher than you can imagine, far deeper than you can comprehend, stretching farther than earth's horizons, far wider than the endless ocean." I cannot put into words how mighty and amazing and endless my God is, but I ask myself how can I be ashamed of the one who has given me breath? How can I be ashamed of the one who continues to allow me to breath? How can I be ashamed of the one who sees me better than I see myself? If anything I should be intimidated beyond all means, but some how He gives me peace and whispers gently to me, "I am right here for you."

It's financially tight in our household right now and I look at the figures and each month I think I'm going to get a little ahead, and find myself spinning my wheels. We are not doing without. We are not hungry. We are just not getting ahead. Paul confirms God is for us in Philippians when he writes of his journey. In Philippians 4, Paul tells the church of Philippi that he is rejoicing in God, far happier than you would ever imagine. He says he has learned to be quite content whatever his circumstances. Paul has been hungry; he's been full; he's had plenty and done without, but still found contentment in all; even in difficult, tight situations. Paul knows that he can make it through anything, even sitting in a prison cell, because he is in the One who makes him who he is.  

Let me repeat that one part... Paul is able to rejoice because he is in the One who makes him who he is.

Wow! So, as Paul states... when I am in the One, the One who makes me who I am and if I am ashamed of Him ~ I suppose, I am also ashamed of myself and who I am. I am a daughter of the king; Natalie is a daughter of the king! How could I be ashamed of being a daughter of the king of kings?!? What a privilege it is to me to be called a child of God. God doesn't need me to have His will fulfilled... it's an honor and a privilege that He allows me to be a part of his kingdom.

I recently read a passage in a book of a lady going through a cancer battle. God answered her prayers of healing and she listed a few things she learned in the process of believing. She learned that God's plan is better than our plan. She discovered prayer is powerful. She learned that God promises comfort, strength and divine peace in suffering times. She came to understand she can be grateful when God answers some prayers with a "no." And the one that stood out to me the most... she found that God does not need us, but he allows us to be a part of his purpose. Isn't that refreshing!!! God wants us to want Him. He wants us to call on Him in good times and in difficult times; rely on Him and with faith; expect Him to handle those difficult situations we think are out of our control. 

Out of my faith in Him, He allows me to be a part of His purpose. Out of His faithfulness, He is there waiting for me to ask Him to be a part of me. In Him, I am who he made me to be! Through Him, He allows me to be part of His purpose. And that is the greatest reward and there's no way I could be ashamed of that!

Oh, precious Lord! Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your purpose! Thank you for your faithfulness and for showing me faith. Thank you for taking control of all situations ~ difficult or not. Help me to completely let go! Thank you for loving me! In Jesus' perfect name!

new pair of shoes

There are things in life that I cannot understand why they happen. My mind cannot wrap around some concepts. Such things as children with serious illnesses. If an adult is diagnosed with a life threatening illness, sometimes (not always) the situation can be justified by a lifestyle or genetics and it's more tolerable to see an adult in a life threatening situation than a child with the same illness. The child is innocent... there's nothing justifying the means of the situation. Where's the fairness? In a meeting at work this week we talked about children with terminal illnesses. The statistics show when a terminally ill child is asked what their biggest fear is ~ the number one fear is recorded as "will I be remembered?" I think everyone, no matter the age wants to be known for something.

 

I don't know why some things happen and I'm sure I will not understand most things. I do know that God allows us to go through tough situations. And I know that He will never put anything in front of us that we're not capable of getting through. I know God is in control and He has brought me to the place I am today. I recall my eighth grade school year as being the toughest year of my life. My dad had a heart attack, followed by open heart triple by-pass. As a family, I know we went through some difficult financial situations because I recall my mom telling someone at one point it had been eighteen months since we brought home a paycheck. I also remember my family going through a time where mom and dad were working out some legal issues trying to get out from under a business partnership which I know was straining on them on top of the health and financial situations. 

The summer before eighth grade, my best friend since kindergarten went on vacation to visit her grandparents in Nevada. Two weeks later, her mom and dad came back to box up their house and to place a "for sale" sign in their front yard. What happened to my best friend? Well, they left her at her grandparents in Nevada. There was never a "good-bye." We use to write each other every week. We've seen each other only twice since seventh grade; once in high school and another when I went to Nevada for her wedding in 1997. We call each other about once a year. Right now, I haven't spoken to her since last Christmas. (Okay, get this... literally as I am writing this paragraph ~ Would you believe it? As I was writing this about my friend, she just join facebook and requested me to be her friend!??!? ~ oh, the works of God! and His timing is perfect!)

My two older sisters had already started their adult lives; one with a baby and the other starting her career after college. The next summer, the rest of our family packed up and moved twelve miles out side of town where I chose to attend a smaller high school in another town. I thought it would be easier on the family since I could catch the bus to the next town over rather than having mom drive me to and from school each day. Down deep inside, I was doing it more for myself than mom. So my sister just older than me went to high school in our home town, while I started high school in another. This move was a new start, a new adventure ~ I wanted a new pair of shoes. I wanted to be known for something instead of walking in my sisters' footprints. I think the move did me good. I met new friends and although there were some quiet times, life was looking brighter at home and within me. 

I was offered more opportunities at a smaller school than I would have had at a larger school. I wasn't outgoing ~ somewhat shy until you got to know me. Still that way today. But at my previous school and town, I wasn't known as "Suzanne." I was known by teachers, staff  and church ministers as "so-in-so's little sister." It was as though I was walking in their footprints; not that it's completely bad, but I was already "marked" characteristically. So many times I heard, "You're the last of the Foust girls." Now, I would never change anything; I love my sisters, my family... and am proud of each of them. But being the youngest and the quietest, I never made a name for myself and I didn't want to pass through school being known as someone else's younger sister. It was as though I was handed a big pair of shoes and was told to wear them.  

These shoes were just too big for my feet. They weren't a comfortable fit. I fumbled in them and even fell a few times. I never was quite like my sisters. They each have extrovert personalities and socialize well with others. I'm more of an introvert. But we each have our own talents, our own walk, and our own name. Some how I was told to continue what they had started and as quiet and clumsy as I was, it felt awkward at times. My feet weren't quite big enough to step into their shoes and walk in their footprints they had left behind. I wasn't a popular kid. I had friends, but we weren't the "cool" kids. Still today, I have this reservation that I don't fit into most crowds. I thrive in smaller groups with a few close friends.

One thing I have learned is that each of us wear our own shoes... Shoes that leave our own footprints everywhere we go.  Footprints of how we will be remembered after we're gone. Now, I've long given up the idea of having a name for myself and making my own impressive footprints. My footprints are small, my name is not known. In fact, I carry a name that is not mine at all; I carry my daughter's name. When someone calls me "Ms. Holt," something inside me hesitates and I typically tell them to just call me "Suzanne." (At the time of the divorce, I thought it would be easier on Natalie to keep her last name rather than taking my maiden name back.) In fact, these days, my name is not even "Suzanne," since Natalie started school last year, I have become, "Natalie's mom;" and I'm okay with that. :) 

For each of us, no matter the name and no matter the shoes ~ old or new, as Paul states in Philippians, the race of life is still the same and the footprints are still there. I just hope the footprints I have left have been graceful as each day, I continue to slip on my own pair of shoes. 

Hebrews 10:23, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Lord, I ask You to help me walk in the right direction. Keep my path straight so that anyone within the walkway sees it is You who is guiding my feet. I pray that those footprints leave a positive impression. I pray that my journey is a journey in which Natalie can keep up with ~ a journey where she's not walking in my footprint, but side by side with me as we keep You as the primary focus in our walk. Thank you for already giving her feet with beautiful footprints. Thank you for the path in which you have lead us. Thank you for loving me and pursuing me. You are so mighty! You are so awesome! In Jesus' precious, loving name.

just wait a minute

Habakkuk 2:2, 3 says that the Lord answered saying, "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness point to what's coming. It aches for the coming-it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time."

We live in a world of instant gratification. I want it and I want it now and if you can't deliver that to me now, I'll find someone who will and can. We've lost the gift of patience. I'm not saying anything we don't already know. We've lost the art of using an oven; now it's a microwave that will zap food in seconds. We've lost the art of reading with a wide range of audio books so we can listen while we multitask. We've lost the art of research. At our fingertips is the world wide web with anything and everything I need to know and some things I shouldn't. We've lost patience.

Although patience doesn't come to me naturally, it is not something I ask God to help me with. I know that's one thing I know He would send me through the stickiest trials if I want or need to learn more patience. We all have so much on our plates every day that a lesson in patience is not something I chose to endure at this time. I thank God for the patience He has graciously taught me in the past and praise Him that I understand patience. 

Is it wise to live in a world of instant gratification? I'm not sure it is, but I'm not sure I have the answer to change it. I guess I would say I'm spoiled and partly it's my own fault for allowing it. Natalie turns seven tomorrow and we couldn't wait to get the trampoline set up in the back yard. With all the rain we have had lately, I'm starting to wonder if I should be building an ark and Natalie has been tested with patience because the rain won't let up long enough for her to get out there and bounce around.

Lamentations 3:25 tells me that the Lord is good, but I knew that already. But said that the Lord is good to those that wait for him, to the soul that seeks him. The next verse tells me that it's good for me to both hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Our ultimate "waiting period" is life. It's the whole purpose of life, to win the crown and be with our everlasting saviour. 

I have to admit the other day I was in a pickle. Nothing major, but the outcome was going to require a lot of work and a lot of my time. My time that I thought was valuable and should be spent elsewhere. I literally cried out to God and asked Him to send His son for our eternal homecoming. Why? Because I'm lazy. Grant it, that would have been the ultimate gift. But I wanted him to return so I wouldn't have this work to do.  I Corinthians 1:7 speaks on waiting for the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Thessalonians 3 tells me that the Lord will direct my heart into the love of God and grant me patience waiting for Christ. But... I want Him to come now. 

There are days that I feel closer to God than others. Sometimes I think He doesn't hear me at all. I think we all go through these times. Today I felt God's presence all around me. Our family had a victorious day. Over the last nine years my nephew has carried around a huge burden and pressure! Praise the Lord, we received a call that told us he walks a free man today! It's been a personal battle for our whole family, but we've stayed by his side through it all. There have been many times when I thought we would never see this day; this day of freedom! For nine years we've waited for this release. We always knew God was on our side, but sometimes waiting for the answers were the hardest part.  It's easy to say, wait upon the Lord, but when you have to suffer through tough situations, that waiting becomes very difficult.

I think it's odd how God loves to throw things in our pathway. This morning there was a stirring in me to write something about waiting. I kept hearing and began writing... "Wait upon the Lord; write a vision down on tablet, make it known then wait on the Lord." Then, Praise The LORD! we received the phone call we've been waiting for for nine years! Seeing the waiting period that God has just sent us through with my nephew, makes me wonder: what is God's timing? What if our minutes are years to God? What if our years were merely minutes to God? What if God has said... hold on, just wait a minute.

After I had already began writing this blog, my dad called me and told me the great news. I couldn't stop crying tears of joy! I wanted to scream it to the mountain tops. I wanted to give praise and worship to God. I talked to my nephew on the phone and he was rejoicing with me. He said, "Sue, I don't know what to do now that I don't have this pressure hanging over my head." The only response I knew to say was, "God has been on our side this whole time. Use this situation for His glory and give Him all the glory! You gotta give Him the honor He deserves because if it were not for Him, we wouldn't be here today." We had our own little revival on the phone on the back porch of my work. I paced the floor in front of my sisters conference room until finally, I built up enough courage to break up the meeting to announce to her that her nephew was a free man. The bubbling inside of me wouldn't sit still. I wanted to shout it to the mountain tops!

I chatted with my dad on instant messenger after word was spread throughout the family. I told him I have felt like I have been in the dumps lately and this was the most excitement I have felt in a long time. Work isn't going all that great and wish things were a little different than they currently were. We started our conversation at the same time a lady walked into my cubical. I asked him to, "wait just a minute, I have someone in my cubical" but by the time I got back to the conversation, he was already gone to make some lunch. 

Dads words read, "When I get in the dumps, I try to go the other way. I see people who are worse off than me and it doesn't seem as bad as I thought." He went on to say that he looks at his health and the heart ache he thinks he causes his family how that makes him sad. Then he realizes there are so many that don't even have a family. How he is very blessed to have a loving wife and four daughters and two of the greatest grandchildren anyone could ever want. Then he said, "Then I remember that Jesus died for ME and that I have never had to pay a price like that for anyone." 

I feel like my nephew has paid some price, nothing like Christ has, but I think he understands what it means to be persecuted. Though I haven't talked to him about it, I believe he has a testimony to share with the world. I am blessed with a wonderful, loving family. A family, that I know without a doubt, has my back in any situation. I've seen each of us go through different battles and we all came out victorious and as one. Although sometimes it takes more time than we think it should and we have to wait out the storm, in the end, God is with us every step of the way. My dad ended our conversation as he normally does, "ALWAYS REMEMBER "I LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER."

Today, we have a reason to celebrate, and together we hope the celebration goes on for a very long time as it should. Though there will still be some waiting until all is over and said, we are certain that God is on our side and has worked miracles in our lives. We give Him all the praise and glory for everything even if we had to wait a few minutes.  

Oh, Lord, You are an awesome God! Thank you for the amazing answers you have given us today. Thank you for this victorious day! Thank you for the having me wait for it has proven my faith in You even more! Thank you for taking care of my family and showing them your grace and mercy. I'm asking you now to continue to encompass us in your loving arms and continue to protect us as you always do. Thank you for allowing me to understand patience and thank you for allowing me to wait upon you. Thank you for hearing our prayers and more than anything... thank you for answering them so beautifully! In Jesus' precious, loving name.