focus

Today I had the privilege to go on a field trip with Natalie and her class. We traveled a couple of towns over to watch a play. Twenty-one first graders are a lot of kids. The teacher led the line while I brought up the tail making sure all 21 first graders were following directions and accounted for. Let me just say, after those four hours, I came home exhausted. The best description I can think of for 21 first graders on a field trip is "herding cats." I can't recall how many times I said "let's go," "you need to listen," "keep your hands to yourself" or "shhhh, pay attention to the teacher" and also "stay in line." I was constantly redirecting their attention on what they should be doing and who they should be paying attention to. There was so much going on that everything "else" was the distraction.

In the same way, every day, all around me, I'm constantly shifting my attention to something I feel is more important. At work, it's what fire is burning the hottest and making the most flame and clatter. I jump from obstacle to the next just trying to stay afloat. I run to the ball field, to church, to gymnastics, to work, to school... without taking a breath. So chaotic, I have no time to sit still. Most days I feel like God is trying to tell me something and most days I feel like I've missed something. Almost every day, I feel like He is just trying to say, "shhhhhh, be quiet ~ focus." But I continue to abruptly interrupt Him with my schedule and everything "else" going on around me.

I've been studying the book of James. Sometimes my urgency to find out what God has planned for me, to see "big picture" and to understand everything right now, right this second... eliminates the soft, quiet times God really craves to experience with me. I don't take the time to really stop and listen to what's being said... and not only are my ears not hearing, but my eyes are not looking for His treasures. I can't seem to tame the tongue so I can open my ears. And more importantly, as James refers to in chapter 3, if I do see and hear and do not use those thing which I've seen and heard, what good is that?

I experience deja vu quite a bit. You know those times when you're in a situation that you feel like you been there before. So many times, I wonder if it's Him ~ I wonder if it's His way of showing me something right then and there. I get giddy like a child in a candy store imagining it's God penetrating the world around me to feel His presence in a new way. Like I've said before, I don't hear a big booming voice, I don't see a bright shining light. I see Him in my every day life, and speaks to me through the bible and I know it's Him by the Truth, by love and by His beauty of whatever it may be.

I heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago and it took me three days to finally figure out who sang it and the title. It touched my heart so much and put a smile on my face. You can look it up on youtube.com. Mandisa wrote a beautiful song called, "God Speaking."

Have you ever heard a love song that set your spirit free?
Have you ever watched a sunrise and felt you could not breathe?
What if it's Him. What if it's God speaking.
Have you ever cried a tear that you could not explain?
Have you ever met a stranger who already knew your name?
What if it's Him. What if it's God speaking
Who knows how He'll get a hold of us; get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to; to tell us "I love you"
and the song goes on...

Today, a friend of mine posted a cute saying on his status. He was driving on his way to work this morning and saw a church bulletin board that caught his attention. It read, "Jesus knows me, this I love!" ~ perfect!

There's not a day that goes by that I don't say these exact words to Natalie... "You know what?" She will respond with, "what?" I reply with, "I love you!" Sometimes she'll guess "I love you!" but every time she responds, "I KNEW you were going to say that!" Which is perfect. I don't want a day to go by that she doesn't hear those words from me!

God is the same way. He tells me every day that He loves me. He gives me everything around me to show me how much he loves me, but if my eyes and ears are not focused on hearing and seeing Him, I could just miss it. Shhhhhh.. listen.

In James 3, James talks about taming the tongue. He references a bit in the mouth of a horse and how that bit controls the whole horse ~ where the horse is led, which direction to turn, and when to stop. The bit also prevents the horse from eating much and makes it difficult to neigh (speak) and difficult to bite. In verse five, James says, "the words out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything-or destroy it." What's the bit in my mouth? What am I letting lead me?


The Message version of James 1:22-27 "Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like. But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action. Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."

Listen, focus... He's speaking.

Oh, Lord, help me to have ears to hear You. My ears cannot be open if my mouth is open. Help me control my tongue. Use me, do whatever you need to do to use me. Thank you for telling me you love me in everything! Help me to focus only on You. In Jesus' precious name.

hope like a rabbit

Natalie wrote a poem the other day... loved it!

Can you hope like a.....rabbit
Can you hop up and down!
Can you flip rawnd and rawnd intil you fall down!

Nope, those are not my typos :) She's just in first grade and spelling her words as best they sound. She is so creative. Yes, I'm a proud momma!

I love misspelled words that actually bring on a new meaning than what was intended. I've always thought that God makes us all creative and at some point, somewhere along the way, if not encouraged, it becomes "schooled" out of us. I recently read a book that contradicted these exact thoughts. The author says that, "we are born with or without talent; it is a gift from God." I'm still torn about whether we are born without it. My heart wants to think that we are all "created" in His image... and my God is the ultimate "creator." Genesis 1, "In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth.... ...Then God said, Let us make man in our image, in our likeness..."

In Natalie's little poem, I wonder what "hope" looks like to a rabbit. I know with Natalie's little bunny, any time we open the back door, she stands up on her back legs and looks to see if we are coming over to her cage to visit. The only thing that is really expected of us as rabbit owners is food and water. "Flower," Natalie's rabbit, has become part of of our little family. We've had her for a few months and try to handle her every day so she stays familiar with us and stays gentle. She's the type of bunny that actually seems to likes people. I think she likes her alone time, but is fine with kids petting and loving on her for a little while and even gives kisses when asked of her. Although her life consists of a cage and a young girls' hugs and squeezes and the occasional treats, I still can't help but wonder what a rabbit hopes for... or any animal for that matter. I asked Natalie if I could keep her writing and take it to work with me. :) She granted me permission. I feel honored to have this perfect little letter to remind me of Psalm 150:6, "Let everything that has breath (even rabbits) praise the Lord!" and have hope.

Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Oh, Lord, You're beautiful! Thank you for helping me understand what hope really means. Thank you for giving us something to hope for. It is You my heart longs for. Thank you for my family, for the gentleness and sweet spirit you have given Natalie. Thank you for continuing to do your beautiful work in her. I give you praise in Jesus' precious name!

lunchtime missionary

Natalie's teacher emailed me a few months ago. Her email went something like this... "Suzanne, I just wanted to email you and tell you what Natalie did in class today. We have been studying the laws of the land this week. I asked the class if anyone knew any of the laws. Natalie raised her hand and proudly said, "I know the ten commandments." I asked if she would like to share with the class. She stood up and rattled off the ten commandments. What a little missionary she is! Just thought you would want to know."

Proud momma right here... let me tell ya! We had just studied in my Sunday school class a simple way to remember the ten commandments. I guess it worked. I love the fact that children do not separate "God" and "State" or school for that matter. I love it that at age seven God, school, sports, church, work, play is all wrapped up in "living" and find it sad that we as a system, teach them to separate these things in their life instead of working them all in unity.

Natalie takes her lunch every day. I get up, start the daily routine... which includes packing her lunch. She carries a soft, fabric lunchbox with a clear pocket on the front. At our local Christian bookstore, I pick up the little business cards size cards with the little devotions. You know the Sunday school cards: "Keep Your Chin UP!" "God LOVES You." So, each day, I place a new daily card in her lunchbox pocket. For a while I would see these cards come back home or in her backpack. About three weeks into the school year, I realized once I packed the cards in the lunchbox pocket, it never returned home and I never saw it again. So, one day, out of curiosity, I asked Natalie if she enjoyed getting the little devotions in her lunchbox. Shes brightened up and said she loves ones with kittens and puppies on them.

Each Wednesday, I've been trying to surprise Natalie at school to spend lunch with her and her classmates. I started this a couple weeks ago. It gives me a chance to get to know the kids in her classroom and those she calls her friends. I have found that the kids love it when adults sit at their table. Each of them want to tell you about their day, their favorite foods, friends, families... their lives. I try to be very attentive and listen carefully to all of them, but in all honesty, sometimes I just hear a lot of little voices.

The first Wednesday I showed up to surprise her for lunch, I immediately noticed Natalie's card was already taken out of her lunchbox. So, I asked her, "What did you do with your card?" All of a sudden all the kids in her class sitting around us who heard me ask her started saying, "Natalie gave me one! I have one that Natalie gave me! Mines at my desk." I looked over at Natalie and grinned. She just shrugged her shoulders like, "what? I shared them!"

WOW! What a testimony to me! I love seeing God working in her little life with her classmates. She has no idea the impact she is having on those children's and possibly parents' lives. She is the little lunchtime missionary!

Lord, thank you for my little Natalie! Thank you for pursuing her heart. Thank you for keeping her safe. Continue to work in her life to keep her a walking missionary for you! Keep up the good work, Lord, I'm enjoying watching her grow in You so much! You are so gracious to me! In Jesus' spotless name.

that was easy

Every Monday morning, our local radio station plays a game called, "the easy button." You know the commercials from the office supply store "that was easy." The radio station announces they are going to play the easy button and if you're the fifth caller to call in when you hear the blurb, you win a prize for the day. This morning, Natalie snatched up the phone, waited in anticipation for the button, then pressed the green button to call.

"It's ringing mom! Someone answered, mom! They're talking... I think we won!" she screeched as she tossed me the phone.

Yep, we won... thanks to her speedy little fingers. Our gain totaled up to, one Kutless worship CD and a promo water bottle (oh, and one complimentary pen and pencil that I snatched off the receptionist desk when I picked up Natalie's winnings). Just back in September, the same radio station drew her name out of the hat for the birthday bash and she won a $15 gift certificate for a local restaurant.

So... soccer season is nearing the end. Along with the madness of a busy last few months; tonight we played our second game in the soccer tournament. We won last Thursday, which automatically qualified us to play tonight... and we won... again. Forth game in a row they've won; which I think is ironic since we didn't win a single game until half way through the season. So we play tomorrow night for the championship of the fall soccer season.

Some times being a single mom means sacrificing some personal choices. Some times it means being on a tight schedule ~ not always by choice. A few weeks ago Natalie had to be at a soccer game at 5:30, a book fair to attend by 6pm and I had a parent/teacher conference at 5:15. At 4:30 I started to feel panicky as I scooped up my items to head out from a days work. My mind ran through the check list... be here, stop there, grab that... cleets, shin guards, uniform, snacks... and checking them twice then it hit me ~ now how am I suppose to be in three places at once? I posted something on my facebook wall to the affect ..."soccer game at 5:30, parent teacher conference at 5:15, book fair by 6.... does anyone know where I can find the cloning formula or the placement of the easy button?" Although hoops were jumped through and some how we accomplished our tasks for the evening... some tasks we arrived early, some on time, some we were running late; just the thought of having an "easy button" helped.

The next morning when I arrived at work, someone had placed an "easy button" on my desk. I've used it a few times, but haven't really seen the magical affects from it yet. hehehehe Someone was trying to help out. And although a little pun, it is still appreciated.

I reeeally wish my "easy button" rattled off Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" ...now that is easy! Knowing that with God in charge ~ I can move that mountain. No one ever promised this life would be easy. And there's no magical "easy button" to push in emergency situations. But... the thought that God is in charge makes the thought of life a little less difficult. My "easy button" in life could easily become the direct line I have with the Father... prayer. Now.. that was easy.

Lord, thanks for the strength you give me. Oh, Lord, you know I'm not perfect.. thanks, for well, working on me. Thanks for not giving up on me and not allowing me to give up. Thanks for the direct line and for allowing me to be in Your presence with just one small request. Thanks for the accomplishments you allowed me to fulfill today. Thanks for keeping us safe and walking with me. It's in your precious sons' name.

to run

Last week we had a tragedy in the town we live. It's a small town so a tragedy such as this, affects all of us. A young man in high school decided to take his life after his girlfriend broke up with him. At sixteen years old, he decided life wasn't worth living anymore; that his race was just too much to run any further. Rumors have it that he was part of a church family here in town; that he was involved with sports; and was loved by everyone around. Obviously, I can't help but think there was a deeper pain that no one noticed. There was a void... It seems we go through stages in our life when we begin losing those people closest around us. We all know this is the circle of life. We all know there is a time to die, but when those times come ~ expected or not, we grieve each in our own way. What was once there, is no longer and our emotions tell us there's a void. I can't help but think of Mandisas' song, "Voice of a Savior." One line in the song "you are I are not that different, we got a void and we're just trying to fill it up. Something that will give a little peace...all we want is a hand to reach to, open arms to run to. We'd give anything to hear a voice of a Savior." Whatever that "savior" looks like ~ bottom of a bottle, needle in an arm, money in a pocket, in anothers arms, victory, some place no one else has gone. But at the end of the day... it's still in the same place ~ right in the middle of Jesus' arms ~ something to call savior... something to save me from this world.

A couple of weeks ago, I lost a very dear aunt. She was my father's last living sibling. Over a couple of phone calls and a few IM chats, I could tell that my dad was taking the loss pretty hard. My dad is the middle of five children; two younger brother twins who had already passed on; an older brother and his oldest, his sister who just passed. I packed up and traveled with some of my family two states over to attend my aunt's funeral. I learned on this trip that my dad was one of six, but he had lost a brother at around nine months old along with his mother having multiple miscarriages.

At the end of day two, I wrapped my arms around my dad and asked him, "you doing okay? You look pretty tired."

He reply, "I'm just sad. I just lost my only sister."

I've never lost a sibling, but I saw the loss in his eyes. I felt his loss with him. The funeral was nice; a lot of older country church hymns. Her oldest grandson, my second cousin, spoke for a while of the memories he had built with his grandmother over the years. He seemed to gleam when he talked about his own kids building and cherished the memories they had with Vera as well... baking, quilting, her love of bingo, always building memories. She lived a full life with her family as the center of her attention. The legacy she left behind was her family and the love she taught them and undoubtedly showed them.

From my cousins' speech, I couldn't help but think about Paul's journey and the letter he wrote the Philippi church. Several times Paul refers to life as a race. In those days, Rome could relate to physical, athletic games; it was their culture. Still today, the metaphor of a race is ran by all of us. Paul knew his life was nearing the end. Timothy's letters were the last letters preparing Timothy to take on the baton; to continue the work that he had began and carry it through. Aunt Vera had left a baton of love, family, laughter, and of beauty to her family.

A lady brought a writing into our Wednesday night class that she found on a website that gave me a new perspective of how that baton is to be passed. "As Bishop Michael Baughen depicts, 'The relay runner is pounding around the track, using every ounce of energy, heading for the hand-over point. Ahead of him is the next runner in the relay, feet beginning to move in anticipation, eyes on the runner coming towards him, his hand now outstretched to take the baton at the appropriate moment and then to run and run, while the man he took the baton from collapses breathless on to the grass. Paul is pounding towards the end. His 'time of departure has come' and Paul is urging Timothy to take the baton from him and to run with commitment and determination."

My baton of life was crafted by my forefathers; passed down from generation to generation. As in most families, through each generation the baton is sometimes easy to carry, but sometimes the baton is worn or broken or just needs to be dusted off and refined. My parents took the baton at a very young age and continue to run the race of life to the fullest; standing by each other with God as their primary focus. Through the years, they have polished this baton and through their lives they have made their baton breath-takingly beautiful. The baton, although, I know will be fumbled in my hands at times, one day it will be held with pride and little refining and hopefully with God's help, I will continue to hold it firmly so it will ready to pass on to Natalie when that times comes. My parents have done a great job preparing me for the baton. I know my feet are waiting with anticipation to grab it and continue the race for Christs' sake.

Although, as in Paul's situation, we don't typically pass the baton on until we are ready to pass on, I should keep in mind that I shouldn't be wait for the passing of my loved ones to grab the baton. It's my responsibility to carry my own baton... to continue the work that has already began; to prepare my Natalie to be ready to accept the baton at a moments' notice. Paul could see the end of his race and knew his reward was waiting for him.

I can't help but ask myself, am I running the race of life in such a way to gain the prize? Will I be remembered in such a way that is pleasing from one generation to the next? I hope so. Probably not after a couple of generations, but I'm okay with that. So I can't help but ask, how's your daily race going? Are you stretching each day towards the finish line? Are you preparing another young Timothy to pass the baton to when you finish your race of life? Will they be fully prepared to accept it with a firm grip and to run when that time comes?

Lord, thank you for crafting such a beautiful baton my parents carry. Thank you for the legacy my parents have given us already. Thank you for the time I had on this earth with my sweet, Aunt Vera. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your kingdom. I understand You don't need me, but I'm grateful You allow me to be a part of Your will. Continue to work in me, refine me, sculpt me, chisel me until You are satisfied with what you see. Grant those extra peace during this time of loss. Show them the best place to run is in the comfort of your arms. In Jesus precious, loving name.